Friday, January 11

Put Down the Coffee and Get Ready to Shop

A few weeks ago, I received a catalog in the mail. That catalog has provided me with HOURS of entertainment, so I thought I would share a few of my favorite products. (All images totally stolen from http://www.onestepahead.com.)

First of all, I have always dreamt of having a urinal in my kitchen. Dreams DO come true, just look!



Speaking of dreams, I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night and have the need to go, I would positively love encountering this thing:



There's nothing like trying to pry open the toilet at 3:00am to put you in a great mood. Although, having to figure out how the heck to get some toilet paper might make things all better:



It's OK if you have an accident while you're trying to wake up enough to overcome your Toddler-proofing because you can just buy these:



Just hook those microscopic wipes up to your waistband and you'll be all prepared. To clean up one or two drops.

The Toddler thinks it's time to potty train and I positively can't wait until she starts asking to go thirty seconds after we take off in the car. I will be prepared, however, because I'll have this:



Check that sucker out when it's all folded up:



I'm totally making Alexis carry her own toilet around with her everywhere. The thing costs $25 and requires special refill things, but don't worry, there are options for those of you that are too cheap for such things:



Why, yes, that is an inflatable toilet. Your Toddler will positively glow with appreciation while he or she waits for you to blow it up, slap the maxi pad looking absorber in a bag, and attach the plastic bag that catches the good stuff. You'll glow with appreciation on the second use when you finally get a chance to put your lips right where you Toddler last dropped a deuce, just like you've always wanted to. Both of you will appreciate that at least that photo isn't of you. Well, except maybe this kid. He's going to wish he had modeled the blow-up version of the portable potty:



Now THAT'S a photo to be saved for later girlfriends.

If you don't need a portable potty for on the go, but rather one for your living room, may I suggest this model?



While the toilet paper stash is genius, I'm digging the "boy blocker" myself.

Speaking of "boy blockers", I nearly wet myself when I saw this:



The product description is AWESOME: "Another diaper change, another shower? You need a Wee Block! Just cover baby before diapering, and let the soft, absorbent dome catch your little guy's geysers. 100% cotton, machine wash. (Buy two, so you're never caught without.). Imported. Colors may vary. Due to health reasons, we are unable to accept returns on any opened packages."

Since I don't have a boy, I have to say I've never had the joy of a yellow shower. But I'm thinking a wash cloth might just serve the same purpose and I know exactly how I would clean that up in case of actual usage. Oh, and that whole "no returns" thing? That's new. I know for a fact that line was recently added to the description. You just know that means somebody returned a used Wee Block.

Here's another product description that made me snark: "Learning to crawl? Starting to walk? When baby is accident prone, the Bumper Bonnet prevents bumps, bruises, and tears. The soft, thickly-padded head covering acts as a protective cushion, shielding that delicate little head. Lightweight, with an adjustable chinstrap. Machine wash. One size fits babies 6-36 months. Imported. Colors may vary."

I'm trying to think . . . have I ever met a baby that ISN'T accident prone? Hmmm . . . well then, helmets for all!



Speaking of preventing accidents, this thing could be handy:



EXCEPT, it's inflatable. So it's basically a balloon. Yeah, that's going to keep Alexis in her bed. She won't roll into it and knock it down at all.

While we are Alexis-proofing the house, perhaps we should consider this TV Protector. It mounts over all the fun buttons so that Toddler hands stay out:



However, upon closer inspection, maybe it's not such a good idea:



Yeah, it attaches with Velcro. Never before has a child pulled apart a couple of pieces of Velcro, but I'm pretty sure Alexis would figure out a way. Then she would use the TV Protector as some sort of dangerous weapon. I can absolutely see her chasing the Bulldog around, waving it like a sword.

While she's chasing Meg, I think Alexis should wear these:



You know, so she can stop and install some tile while she's in the kitchen. I only wish I would have worn knee pads when I was installing tile.

I also wish I would have had this as a kid:



It absolutely must be a form of child abuse that I didn't have a tray and footrest for my carseat when I was a kid. Somebody call Child and Youth Services.

While you're at it, report anybody that has this:



Here's the product description: "Lull baby back to sleep on her own, with our voice-activated crib light! It not only turns on when baby cries, but plays authentic womb sounds that soothe baby back to sleep . . ." I can tell you why that baby is crying, because the stupid light won't quit turning on. It's like the Clapper, but for a crib.

Also in the category of inventions that seem like a good idea gone bad is this pacifier that checks your baby's temperature:



Here's the best part of the description: "Soothing to a fussy baby, it can monitor your child's temperature every five minutes for up to 25 minutes. Plays a gentle lullaby when fever exceeds 99.5 degrees." Yep, nothing says soothing like, "HOLY CRAP! There's music coming out of my mouth! Oh, it stopped. Wait, it's back! WHY IS THERE MUSIC COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?"

Another maybe it's OK product:



It's touted as a portable diaper changing station for use when a clean changing table just isn't available. You know what? Anytime I'm in a Denny's and I'm all sorts of mad that there's nowhere to change the Toddler, I so badly wish I had a contraption that would allow ME to sit on the pristine bathroom floor and change her.

This $80 contraption is intriguing:



I'm pretty sure it's the most effective thumb-sucking deterrent available. After all, who can suck their thumb when they are busy staring at it wondering, "What the hell is that?"

Another WTH moment is the "Nursing Stool":



Yeah, um, I don't have any idea what it's use might be. I do know that every time I look at it, I think of a farmer sitting on a stool milking a cow.

Lastly, I have found the perfect gift for Father's everywhere:



People, that is not just a jacket. Let's allow One Step Ahead to explain: "Dads love carrying their babies around, but diaper bags? Not so much! That's why two can-do fathers invented this amazing "wearable diaper bag." It's comfortable, stylish, and remarkably sleek, thanks to nine ingeniously-placed pockets. No one will know dad's carrying diapers, wipes, and even two bottles! Another secret: it includes a slim profile changing pad, hidden in a back panel. Dad invented, of course."

I need to meet the Dads that invented this so that I can drop-kick them each in the man parts and tell him to grow up and carry the freakin' diaper bag already. 'Nuff said.

There are TONS more fun products in the catalog, but I'm out of time. Let me just leave you with this one little birthday idea:



That, my friends, is the most useful thing in the whole catalog and I COVET IT! My forearms look like I was a victim of some sort of horrible torture since I am constantly burn them on the racks in the stove. I'm totally serious when I say you can send those suckers to me for my birthday in two weeks.

40 comments:

  1. The catalog provides me with a form of cheap entertainment, too!! Most of the stuff I think is stupid.

    The oven rack things? On their way to me. I have a fear of burning my arm...a bad fear!

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  2. I've never looked that closely when I get one of their catalogs, looks like I'll have to pay closer attention next time.

    Happy early birthday.

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  3. WAY too funny. I just emailed the link to several friends. Hope you don't mind. :)

    Where were these things when my babies were young? My boys were accident prone! In fact, I took my middle boy to the doctor when he was nearly 3 because he kept running into doorknobs and falling over when he'd bend over to pick up things (lots of bruises on the forehead). I thought he had an ear infection that was affecting his balance. Nope - he was just growing so fast that he couldn't keep up with himself. He needed a helmet is all.

    Thanks for the laugh!

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  4. First, thank God Dylan didn't have to wear THAT helmet out in public, or we would have never left the house.
    Second, potty training already scares the Bejesus out of me - before I saw these products! When I got the catalog I actually looked twice at the urinal! I don't understand why we train little boys to pee sitting down in the beginning, so this was somewhat logical - until envisioning where exactly to put it in my home!
    P.S. A tip for the future - it really is a good idea to have a spare potty chair to keep in the trunk of your car. Another good tip is to pack a whole bunch of grocery bags to put inside to catch the loveliness, so you just pitch and go, and don't have to clean it, which is GROSS!

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  5. I nearly died laughing reading this. Thankyou!

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  6. I don't have that catalog. I feel left out as a first time mother. Man, I could've used that cup over the little man's wee-wee when we first brought him home. Golden shower all over the place....my hubby would thank me as he suffered the first consequences of us not buying a cone for our son's privates!

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  7. OMG...that was really funny. My mom gave me the #3...toilet paper wrangler thingy that was way too complicated for me to use and a kid magnet resulting in much bathroom chaos. I like the oven thing too, but am wondering if they make an additional "cookie sheet" edition which seems to be the cause of all my oven trauma.

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  8. Oh you are too funny! I love your commentary! You have great insight!

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  9. I laughed so hard my husband had to tell me to shut up or I'd wake the kid! That's some funny stuff! The portable pottys crack me the heck up! What useless stuff it all is, but you can bet they sell it!

    I can, however, speak for the nursing stool, as I've tried one - they elevate your legs, so your lap is flatter, thus making it easier to get your baby into the proper position when you're starting out nursing - a good tool for a first time breastfeeder who is having trouble positioning the baby.

    But other than that one product...hilarious! I think I need to get my hands on one of those catalogues. Reminds me of Skymall!

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  10. Now that was funny, thanks for the laugh! I remember when my kids were small and I would get those catalogs. Endless eye rolling! Have a great weekend!

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  11. You crack me up! I've seen this catalog too and I just love the "mom invented" stuff. Like I'm really going to take a blow up potty and put it in the van for my kid. I remember when we were on a long trip with our oldest and she needed to go "badly". She was about six. We were in the middle of nowhere. We pulled to the side of the highway, open the sliding door on the van, and leaned her out. When you gotta go that badly it comes out fast and far!

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  12. Oh that is SO funny. I think I laughed out loud at every one! You should send your comments to One Step Ahead!
    Maria

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  13. red pen mama10:53 PM

    First of all, hold up: my birthday is in about 2 weeks. Freaky. Are you an Aquarius?

    Second, laughed so hard, wanted to pee my pants. Bun loves her binky, and I just pictured her with the temp takin' one. As far as the portable potty: Monkey was going on the big potty by week three, so I'm thinking you don't really need to go through all that.

    Oh, and those knee pads. I could have used those when Bun was knee walking. And the helmet: when I was pregnant, we used to joke about bubble wrapping the baby. 'Cause I am so not graceful, it would be humorous if I didn't have bruises everywhere.

    thanks for the giggles.

    ciao,
    rpm

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  14. red pen mama10:56 PM

    PS: I don't know about you, but my little girls managed to pee everywhere as infants when I was changing their diapers. It just didn't squirt.

    ciao,
    rpm

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  15. All the best people were born in January. I'm January 23rd and Alexis is January 27th. Besides you, RPM, we also have Karen of Rocking Pony in our club. And tons more, I might add.

    All you peeps who knew about this catalog should be ashamed of yourselves for not telling me about it sooner. That thing has been more fun for me that the 75% off aisle of Christmas lights at Target. I'm not kidding--just thinking about the inflatable potty can put me in a good mood. I just can't help but picture Alexis doing the Pee Pee Dance as I huff and puff to blow the thing up. And the fact that I'd never use it a second time because I would never put my mouth where her buns had been cracks me up, too.

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  16. Funny products. Now, do you think they are able sell enough of those to actually make a profit??

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  17. Hey- my birthday is January 23rd! I knew you were one great chick! Too bad we don't get to celebrate together....or at least with a Super Bowl run.

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  18. We've laughed hysterically at that catalog for years.

    The dad jacket? Like nobody would EVER wonder why dad wore the same thing every time he had the baby out and about. And what about summertime? He still gonna wear that?

    I'm thinking I could have a potty for every room of the house, and each vehicle. Honey, would you like to go on the inflatable or the fold-up one today?

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  19. Oh, Burgh. This is why you are the word. HA. I love the catalog, too.

    And, having a boy, I've actually thought about getting the urinal. Potty training is such a nightmare. When SD actually sits, he pulls the "boy" blocker off and holds his ding-a-ling like it's broken. Oy vey is this not one of the joys of parenthood.

    The wee blocker thing actually might be worth it, cause I have been sprayed. But, I have seen them called Pee Pee TeePees. Which is a MUCH better name.

    Burgh told us her b-day? MOOOHOOHAHAH. This is gonna be fun!

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  20. And, I totally forgot to mention the rail that looks like a huge tube? Did the guy who puts the bumpers on at the bowling alley invent those?

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  21. Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!

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  22. You are AWESOME! Your snarky remarks made those completely riduculous products even better. I want that catalog!!!

    That portable urinal would have been PERFECT for Gracie!! You know since she liked them better...

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  23. I absolutely love this post! I couldn't stop laughing... mostly because I just know that had Coach gotten hold of one of those catalogs when our boys were younger we would have ended up with two of everything! :)

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  24. OMG, those are hilarious. My favorite are the portable potties and the microscopic wipes. With my luck there'd be pee (or worse) all over the car. And those microscopic wipes? Who thought THAT was a good idea?

    And that helmet thingy looks like it would affect their balance and make them fall MORE.

    And your response to the man too embarrassed to carry a diaper bag? PRICELESS!

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  25. OMG! I love the One Step Ahead catalog for all of those reasons! Every time it comes I ask hubby if I can get the kids matching helmets . . . he is not a fan. Amen on the diaper bag for daddies, and I may have to look into the arm guards.

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  26. OMGosh, I snorted I laughed so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  27. Those are hilarious!!! I used to get that catalog, it was very funny to read. They are ingenious, you have to admit.

    But the wee block? OMG. Too much. I didn't have any boys, but if I did...maybe....

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  28. Oh my goodness I was rolling with this post! TOO funny!

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  29. oh. my. gawd.

    i am absolutely CRYING here.

    hi-freakin-larious.

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  30. This post is quite possibly the funniest post I have EVER read in my blogging career. Holy cow, what chuckles I got! Thanks for the laugh :-)

    Though, I do have to admit I have the nursing stool. It's made just to have your feet rest in a comfy position while rocking/nursing, I guess? Especially for short people like me, it helps to actually reach the ground ;-)

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  31. The penis cozy and thumb chastity belt are priceless!

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  32. Ha Ha Ha! I love that catalog. I can explain the nursing stool, it's for people with short legs so your feet can rest on something, but what's wrong with any old stool? Or sitting Indian style?

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  33. $30 for a special stool for use when breastfeeding. Insteresting. I think I'll stick to putting my feet up on the dog.

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  34. too funny!

    oh, and those wee-man pee-blocker often become airborne if the little man has, um, strong urine stream. that might be why someone tried to return it...the damn thing went flying and helped spread pee everywhere. Washcloths are MUCH more reliable and easier to wash, etc.
    and you're joking about the nursing stool, right? I mean, I never bought one because I already had an otoman with my glider, or just sat on the bed and nursed my babies...but it is nice to get your feet propped up to help your back and such while nursing the baby.
    And yeah, I thought that weird potty chair with the TP stashed was pretty funny. We removed the boy-blocker from our potty chairs so that Gavin didn't do permanent damage to his boy-parts. We just taught him to "point down" (and hold down).
    And my b-day is the 24th!!! Knew I liked you! :D Except I suspect you are younger than me, so maybe I don't like you quite as much now. ;)

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  35. Stumbled across your blog today and had one of the best laughs in a long time. My son probably wishes we had that wee blocker as he tended to hit himself with the showers more than he got us.

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  36. Hysterical! I can't figure out how old this post is--what year is it from? For the record, the nursing stool keeps your feet at the right level and angle to support the baby properly. Amazing how so many people manage without.

    Things have "improved" a lot since my first baby but my favorite then was the electric baby wipe warmer.

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  37. OH. MY. GOD! That was the funniest post I've read in a LONG time! I used to get that catalog and thought many of the items silly but never really spent the time READING about them and THINKING about them. This...what YOU did here...THIS could be a PARTY GAME! :)

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  38. ImpostorMom9:38 AM

    You're awesome! so damn funny

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  39. I kid you not. The people who sold us this house put those damn toilet wands on every can in this house!! And I don't know how to take them off! Now every lid is always up. Just. in. case...

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  40. So I was totally ROTFLOL until I got to the inflate-a-potty bit. Then I had to comment. We have that. We love it. We would marry it if we could (note to self: move to California). It has saved us so.many.times. I tell everyone to buy it.

    Don't 'dis my inflate-a-potty!

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