Tuesday, May 27

Anybody Know a Cure for Toddler Mouth?

It was a long weekend. Actually, I take that back. It was a really long weekend. What should have been an opportunity to spend some valuable extra time with Alexis instead turned out to be a continuous test of just how patient Mr. Husband and I can be with her. She was suffering from a very severe case of Toddler Mouth all weekend, and it wasn't pretty. It was sort of like dealing with a toddler version of Paris Hilton, minus the sex tape and with an extra dose of I'll-Do-What-I-Want-Because-I-am-Invicible-itis.

She threw fits when we suggested that she eat something. Then she threw more fits when we suggested she not eat something. She yelled at us when we asked her to stop climbing on the table. She yelled at us when she fell off the table. Her head spun round like Linda Blair in The Exorcist when I asked her to pick up her toys. Her head spewed hatred when she couldn't find any of her toys because I took them away.

Conversations like this were the norm:

Me: Alexis, please stop hitting the dog.
Alexis: NO!
Me: ALEXIS, THAT'S ENOUGH.
Alexis: That's not nice. Say sorry.
Me: That's right. Stop hitting the dog and say sorry.
Alexis: (hitting dog harder) NO! YOU SAY SORRY!

I wish I could say it was just a few isolated incidents, but that's not the case. It was more like her fun moments were isolated. The Toddler Mouth was constant, and it was mean. I think the only cure for Toddler Mouth is to suture the toddler's mouth shut, but unfortunately I couldn't find a needle, heavy gauge wire, and a padlock anywhere. In fact, late Monday morning, after she yelled at me to "Go away" because I told her to stop breaking her crayons, I found myself just plain not liking her. I know I shouldn't admit that, but at that moment, she was not my friend. Which is interesting, because she followed up "Go away" by saying, "You not my friend."

Toddler Mouth sucks.

Perhaps the worst violation, however, came Saturday while we were grabbing bubble bath for her at Target. We always let her pick which kind she wants. She usually goes for Dora or Mr. Bubble, but her Toddler Mouth was MAJORLY acting up. As she pointed to the bottle she wanted, she uttered a word I had never heard her say before--one that I didn't even realize she knew.

She said, "Princess."

I can only hope that is the last time that vile word comes out of her mouth.

72 comments:

  1. Honestly? I'm glad I don't have to deal with princess ick.

    THAT said...

    Perhaps she and BigBrother were channeling one another. I mean, yeah, BB was sick but, oof, the Toddler Mouth. I also got, "Go Away!" But it was followed by, "I play with Yia Yia, not Mommy."

    Nothing like being benched in favor of grandma.

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  2. Oh yeah! Dora will be ditched for the Disney Divas. There are so many more of them for her to collect, life will be so fun.

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  3. Oh my, if she starts liking princesses, and you don't like princesses, this will get ugly...fast.

    My girls are Disney Princess fanatics. I don't mind it. But when they go through the phase where they want to wear the same princess dress every single day, for an entire year (no, I am not exaggerating), it gets just a tad old.

    So, um....Good luck with that!

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  4. I'm trying hard to think of something wise or witty, but the only princess in our house can cause physical harm while I sleep. Best to keep mute on this one (there's always a first). ;)

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  5. Ah, and the fun begins. Good luck, mom! It doesn't get any better the bigger the kid, the bigger the attitude.

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  6. lol okay so I was totally waiting for an F-bomb or something to be dropped. BUT IT WAS WORSE. I am so, so sorry. heehee

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  7. This post CRACKED me up! I love it. And let me just add... I just found your blog... and I love it. Plus, my husband is from Pittsburgh. SO basically... he loves your blog too! :) He's from Pleasant Hills... !!
    - Audrey

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  8. My 9 year old shocked me this year. She has a Cinderella alarm clock. She asked for a "grown-up" clock. The Cinderella clock is now considered "childlish" and beneath her.

    Let the burgh baby be a princess! :-)

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  9. Haha! Alexis is awesome. I really want to meet her one day.

    Toddler Mouth cracks me up. I was convinced she was going to have said an F or S word of some variety, but Princess may top that list.

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  10. Ooooh. I'm so sorry. Maybe she's coming down with something. My children are the nastiest just before a nasty cold or flu. But sometimes they're just being ugly. She's how old? :D

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  11. YOu and I can have Princess support group!!! We are in over load around here and have been for a few years...right around the time Gracie discovered that word.

    I'm afraid to find out what she's been whispering in Evie's ear when I'm not looking. Ev is going to learn EARLY.

    That picture? Awesome.

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  12. Oh you are SO in for it now.

    But don't you want your independent girl growing up and waiting for some dude to save her helpless self?

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  13. EWWWW!!!! Princess!!! YUCK!

    well...at least the toddler with the todder mouth is super adorable!

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  14. This made me laugh and that picture is adorable.
    But, I must protest.
    There is nothing wrong with 'Princess'.

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  15. lol. such a funny post! xo Britt :-)

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  16. Guess what? I'M LAUGHING AGAIN!!! I'm laughing because this is completely normal infuriating 2-3year old behavior and there's almost nothing you can do!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

    And guess what else? My cousin just complained about her 2-yr old son (my godson) doing the same sort of stuff as Alexis and I LAUGHED AT HER TOO!

    I laugh because Gavin is slowly coming out of that phase and I've got another year before Cooper hits it. But when Cooper starts that business, if he's not already bigger than me, I will just lock him in his room and shove food under the door. Oh, and wear ear plugs because he's got my big friggin' set o' lungs.

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  17. Uh oh. I feel a new care package coming on! That Bippidy Boppidty Doo place is next.....hah haha hahah.

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  18. I can sense Sumo approaching Toddlerhood - and I'm bracing myself for it mentally. Already he arches his back and kicks me in the throat and punches the air in fury when I try to do something terrible to him - like remove poo from his butt. Worse yet, at the rate he's growing he'll be bigger than I am by the time he's 2 and able to kick my ass.

    But thankfully I don't have to deal with princess. EWW! *gag*

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  19. Kinda makes you wonder why we try so hard to teach them to talk in the first place, doesn't it?

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  20. You are going to be praying for the days of Dora to return if she starts in on the Disney Princesses...Lord have mercy on your soon to be Disney loving soul.

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  21. Princess I understand. I can talk the talk. I can "get with that" but the stuff that comes out of my oldest mouth has me completely confused. No dresses, no ruffles, no dolls, no pink, no frills ... huh?

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  22. If J ever says "princess"--that might just be another whole set of issues I'm totally ill-prepared to deal with.

    Oh, and Colleen is so mean . . . "I'm laughing because this is completely normal infuriating 2-3year old behavior and there's almost nothing you can do!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" UGH.

    As for TrannyHead--GREAT! J and Sumo are the same age. She senses toddlerhood--NOOOOOOOOOO. NOT READY.

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  23. um, my daughter's recent evil saying is that she is going to 'eat my skin off'. I wish I was joking.

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  24. You are so in for it gurl.

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  25. Ah, transference of frustration to the poor dog. I'm still waiting for that little habit to go away. In the meantime, he knows to steer clear of the little one when I raise my voice.

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  26. I asked Laura to do something tonight. She sat down on the floor, crossed her arms, looked me in the eye and said, "I refuse."

    I'll skip right to the end: She did it and I nobody called the cops (on me).

    They go through stages. Most days are not like this. When they are, there's Dove Dark Chocolate.

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  27. Sadly, Toddler Mouth morphs into Teenager Mouth at some point.

    I have to admit to really have strong feelings of dislike for the following phrases:

    Fine. Whatever.

    I don't care.

    Gawd, Mom.

    And somehow, everything is made worse by the stupid fact that as he's talking to me, I have to LOOK UP at him. Grr.

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  28. When you find the cure, please let me know. We are going through the same thing, except Frack copies Frick so it's double trouble. UUUGGHH!!

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  29. leave it to you to make me laugh in the midst of all that Toddler Mouth.

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  30. ImpostorMom6:57 AM

    blech, princesses, makes me glad I have a boy

    Luckily we were with family all weekend so we pawned the little demon off on them. They always think it's cute when he sprouts horns. Saturday morning in particular I was having a hard time dealing with him but I suspect that was more about me than him, anyway, my mom took him and I was grateful. Grandma patience seems to be endless.

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  31. I figure if we like our kids HALF the time, we are doing ok. The other half, we just need to stay clear of them and count to a gazillion.

    Hallie

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  32. Sorry to say, but there is no cure. And it only gets more...um...interesting.

    As for the princesses - HAHAHAHAHA. I am totally sending her something from WDW when I'm there in October.

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  33. my 3 1/2 year old is down right cruel. i don't like you, mommy you are mean...and on and on. cruel i tell you

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  34. Toddler Mouth is great. It makes me so happy to be a parent. I especially like it when Morgan gets right in my face and growls at me. And not in a "Haha, I'm a lion" way, either.

    Sometimes? It's a damn good thing these kids are so cute. Other wise they might be finding themselves shipped off to a Grandparent's house for a few years.

    :)

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  35. Mandy8:42 AM

    As soon as you find one, can you start looking for end-of-first-grade-smart-mouth-itis cures?
    Thanks.

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  36. It's a good thing she's so cute, huh?!? :)

    Did she like her princess bubble bath?

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  37. Ugh. We don't have toddler mouth yet but I have a feeling that's only because Sasha doesn't know enough english.

    Defiance is a normal thing, and none of that "he's a baby, he doesn't understand 'no'" Oh he does. he does....

    Your dog is patient (which is it?). Kerry'd pin her to the ground and the hound'd scream bloody murder.

    Anyway, guess what I'm saying is I understand not liking your own child very much. I wouldn't have let her get a bubble bath...just out of spite.

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  38. Duct tape works.

    (just kidding.....)

    (sort of)

    Hey, thanks to my 13 year old, my 4 year old walks around saying "Holy crap!"

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  39. Dora = weed
    Princesses = heroin.

    You led her down that slippery slope of addiction when you let her dress like the giant-headed freak.

    Little Man also has really bad toddler mouth these days, but it's almost never directed at me, it's always directed at Sweetie Pie, which I know has got to hurt his feelings a little bit. Sweetie Pie wasn't even allowed to stand NEAR Little Man last night.

    At least you can drink tequila my friend. I am still four months and 22 days away from being able to drink myself into toddler mouth oblivion.

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  40. Oh the dreaded "toddler mouth" it does pain me so. It truly is like they are suddenly possessed. What is up with that anyway?? NOT looking forward to it the second time around...

    (she's still cute though...)

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  41. Princess is a dirty word? Phew, good thing Aidan is a boy and hates Princesses. hehehe

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  42. Is princess really worse than Dora? I mean, wouldn't it be kind of a relief after the Football head?

    yeah, we've had some toddler mouth around here. The old favorite (poopy head) has been joined by "fbttttt" raspberries whenever we suggest she do something she doesn't want to do. That earned Punkin some serious time out last weekend.

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  43. Yikes. I'm gonna have to side on the princess side. Dora is always screaming at you. Why are earth does she talk so loud? Did she need ear tubes as a child an Mame and Pape refused to get them for her unless she traveled over the troll bridge, through the gum drop forest until she reached the big red chicken?

    As for toddler mouth. I'll just say, I'd take toddler mouth over tween 'tude any day. So help me God, if those eye start rolling again...

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  44. such profanity! I for one am mortified...

    In other news, we just transitioned OUT of our disney princess bathroom and are needing to part with a shower curtain, pumpkin carriage soap dispenser, glass slipper toothbrush holder and crown shaped nightlight...

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  45. I am so NOT looking forward to this stage. My stomach hurt just reading about the sass. I'm afraid I won't have the patience for it. Sorry your weekend ended up being rough. I know how disappointing that can be!

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  46. Anonymous1:35 PM

    Think of it as practice for the teen years. I don't dislike my teenager, some days I downright hate him! The worst part his 8 year old sister has developed a mouth and an attitude in emulation. If he doesn't have to do ANYTHING I ask, ever, why should she?

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  47. Don't ever let on that you don't like the princesses or you'll have them in your home for life.

    And yes, there will be many a time that you'll be glad you LOVE your child 'cause you certainly won't LIKE them much.

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  48. Anonymous3:10 PM

    Times the toddler by two and make one of them sick. That was my weekend! The mouth was only part of the problem, the hands and the teeth were bigger issues

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  49. I impose mandatory nap times when my toddler gets nasty like that! Sleep child! I don't care if you no tired - you will sleep right now!

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  50. Oh my god. When I was reading that it sounded EXACTLY like Bean.
    EXACTLY. We get the, "Go away you not my friend" a LOT! I think they learn it in daycare.
    Welcome to toddler hell. I have been here awhile now. Since your new I won't laugh at you too much.
    Here have a percocet and a margarita. You'll be Juuuussssttttt fine. And if yoy decide to slip the pill to the kid that's cool too.

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  51. Oh my god. When I was reading that it sounded EXACTLY like Bean.
    EXACTLY. We get the, "Go away you not my friend" a LOT! I think they learn it in daycare.
    Welcome to toddler hell. I have been here awhile now. Since your new I won't laugh at you too much.
    Here have a percocet and a margarita. You'll be Juuuussssttttt fine. And if yoy decide to slip the pill to the kid that's cool too.

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  52. Duct tape works wonders.

    Ha, KIDDING. But I've thought about it.

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  53. Once you go down the princess road, there's no going back. Heed my warning, don't buy the Princess dress, you will spend the rest of your days wrestling it off her! I know, I have one. Instead of hitting the dog, she goes after her little brother:(

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  54. If you find that cure, let me know! Mine doesn't talk much, but sometimes I just know he's thinking mean thoughts...and that whine...oh my gosh that whine!

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  55. Imagine having three toddlers with toddler mouth! :-) Actually, I don't have it too bad; only one really does it on a regular basis and we've learned how to deal with her on that! But yes, there are days when it is constant and I want to pull out both my hair and hers!!!

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  56. That picture totally captures your story! Oh my...

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  57. Princesses are like crack.

    So everything she picks will be princess something. UGH! We need re-hab soon.

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  58. We have a serious case of Toddler Mouth going on at our house right now as well. Two really wasn't a bad year . . . 3 is sucking big, fat, hairy monkey balls (and it has only been a month!)

    I thankfully have a little while before 'Princess' enters our vocabulary, but I was quite shocked to hear Cooper yell "ELMO!" in the store the other day.

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  59. shell8:53 PM

    Let me tell you, you are in trouble and starting to enter the princess cult. You thought Dora was bad. just wait! Oh and we currently have every freakin princess item in a certain girls room that lives with me. You can just come shopping at my house. Due to the fact that e are currently in the Hanna Montana cult.

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  60. Oh no! Two is back! And it sounds worse than ever! That is still an adorable little pout in her pic.

    Best way to overcome frustration at toddler mouth? Post it here for us internetters to read and chuckle... and to scare those like me who's child will be in it all too soon.

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  61. Hey, at least her Highness's hiney will be clean. Nobody likes dirty royalty.

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  62. If I had a cure, I'd be a bazillionaire. Do let me know if you also find a cure for Preschooler Mouth. You know, something that would be nice and legal...

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  63. Fortunately my daughter is and has been a breeze. My boys though. Oy. They were awful toddlers with attitude. AWFUL.

    Next time she wants bubbles and gives you lip, don't let her have any bubble bath.

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  64. I have to be honest, I'd take Cinderella (or any other princess) any day over that crazy Dora (my oldest screams if she even sees Dora)

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  65. i prefer princess..... the movies are so much better than a monkey singing about his ball....

    toddler mouth does suck....you are not alone!

    you sure do tell it good though.

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  66. best one from mine was:

    "you're the best mom ever."

    pause

    "it's opposite day."

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  67. Yeah, I tried to ignore/deny/threaten the princess thing. Wouldn't you know my 4 year old is the pinkest, frilliest, most princess minded child ever!

    But I drew the line at the cheerleading outfit the Grandma bought her for Christmas. I did some explainin' and some tossin'.

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  68. I dread that phase, really truly dread it.

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  69. he he he...Sissy thankfully never got into the princess things either, not that she has an aversion, she could just care less. Give her a stuffed animal, some 50s music and some art supplies & she's good to go.

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  70. lol @ toddler mouth. It gets worse before it gets better :/

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