Monday, May 19

Tested and Failed (Again and Again and Again)

Earlier today, I was paging through the Infant Owner's Manual (What? You didn't get one? Clearly, you didn't tip the nurses in the delivery room well enough.), marveling at the number of things nobody ever told me. For example, everybody talks about the whole no sleep with a newborn thing, but HELLO! that is not the worst of it! Newborns and their inability to sleep several consecutive hours is logical, predictable, and I think, tolerable. It's when the one-year old randomly wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and won't go back to sleep that kills you. (Right, Jayesel?) Seriously. With a newborn, there are no expectations. Nobody expects you to cook, clean, look human. By the time they hit that first birthday, though, you're supposed to have your act together. The expiration date on whining is long past due and you're left stumbling through your days in a sleep-deprived fog. Fast forward to two, and it's a whole other level of cruelty that goes on with sleep deprivation.

(Alexis--Feel free to accept that as a challenge and stay in your own darn bed all night tonight just to spite me.)

Another thing missing from that Owner's Manual is instructional guidance on how to survive the daily tests kids put you through. Sure, the tests change from day-to-day, but why didn't anyone warn me that the rules to the tests change from minute-to-minute? I've lost like eight consecutive games of LELLO CAR! because I didn't know cars on TV were eligible, or that you can call the same car several times in the span of five minutes. So.not.fair.

I failed yet another test last night. Alexis and I were taking a walk through the neighborhood. As per her usual routine, Alexis was pointing out everything she saw and telling me what it was. And, as per usual, she decided it was time to test me by seeing if I knew what various things were.

"What's dat?"

"A tree," I replied.

"What's dat?"

"That's a house," I told her.

"What's dat sound?"

"That's the birds chirping," I reported.

"No, it's elephant," Alexis corrected with an incredulous look of disdain that I could be so stupid as to get that question wrong.

How am I ever going to pass all these tests if I don't even know the difference between a bird and an elephant?

52 comments:

  1. She is going to have you jumping through SO MANY hoops before this is all done! lolol

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  2. Moms are always the last to learn this stuff.

    Today's shot...totally and completely PERFECT.

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  3. And where in the baby manual does it talk about baby's not actually "sleeping like a baby"...and not wanting to go to bed and keeping mommies up until midnight because they don't want to go to bed and....Man, you're funny....

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  4. Houston, we have it. THE PERFECT POST.

    Honest to Christmas if that picture doesn't sum up this entire experience, I don't know what does.

    What's the LELLO CAR consolation prize?

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  5. Duh, elephant! I mean really, you should have gotten that one.

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  6. Don't you know you have to CHEAT at LELLO CAR? When she's napping, uh-huh, Lello car. When she's in the bath, yup saw another one.

    Are you being a pansy with that kid of yours and feeding her ego? Dude, crank it up!

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  7. OMG that picture!!!

    Oh yeah...that very rare elephant bird.

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  8. Elephants grow on trees. Duh. That's in the toddler manual. You have to over-tip for that volume. ;-)

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  9. Love the picture!
    I really think we should give moms a break for the first three years, minimum. Housekeepers should be included in the toddler care package :)

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  10. nice shot.

    yours at least speaks English when she's explaining what "it" is. I get answers -- from my 3-year-old -- explaining that it's a "zxyllgeblc" or a "puntikan".

    But, yeah. Lots at there about that first year, and after that -- you're on your own!

    ciao,
    rpm

    ps: I agree with Lisa about the housekeepers.

    pps: I tagged you.

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  11. It gets worse.......

    Oh, and uh....the Penguins are going DOWN! Sorry, couldn't help myself.

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  12. Bwhahaha! That picture is priceless!

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  13. It's a common mistake. What was she trying to get in the hamper?
    Thanks for your comments yesterday. All is right in the world now.

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  14. I can't beleive you missed the elephant question. And you call yourself a momma. Geesh.

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  15. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em . . . just start saying ALL cars are yellow.

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  16. Lately, people have assured me the sleep deprivation goes on till they are in college because in their teen years you stay up waiting for them to get in.

    Mine are going to have an 8:00 curfew so I can get some rest.

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  17. Wait until there are 3. With 3 different games and each one with their own set of rules and then at times you just KNOW that they are conspiring against you. Who cares if the 12 month old can't talk. Somehow he is finding a way to communicate with the others, and PLOT!

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  18. Hmmm.... wait until they are four.

    What is that?

    A tampon?

    What is THAT for?

    Ummmm.....

    Dude the questions get better and better. That PICTURE is awesome! So funny!

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  19. Hah! Clearly Alexis knows best. Don't all toddlers?

    That is an amazing picture--nice shot!

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  20. You are so right! I totally agree that it's so much harder to mentally deal with the long nights once they're supposed to be 'over'. It's like DUDE, I KNOW you can sleep all night, just DO IT NOW, PLEASE.

    I love the picture at the end. lol

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  21. Just accept the fact that you are an idiot and you will be until she becomes a mother herself. And really, it just gets worse. You have no idea how dumb my 12 year old thinks I am!

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  22. I love that picture. Hilarious post as usual. You've got some kid there!

    See you Friday?

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  23. Geez Mom. You'd think that would have been easy enough. Now is the time to start the misinformation campaign and just answer everything incorrectly.

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  24. You definitely should know the difference between a bird and an elephant. Maybe to learn such a thing you should dive head first into the laudry basket.

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  25. If you got an extra copy...can you send me the TODDLER owner's manual please?

    I could really use it over here.
    I fear I am losing the battle..and we all know what happens when they win. They like to rub it in your face...and that's what seems to be going on in these parts.

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  26. Hysterical picture! Classic!

    You mean you couldn't hear the elephant? Weren't you listening??

    And the sleeplessness and whining you describe at one are why I'm quickly reaching my breaking point. ERRRGGG!!

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  27. I hope Alexis takes you up on your challenge and that you get some good sleep soon.

    And good luck figuring out that whole bird/elephant thing.

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  28. yer just not gonna *s*

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  29. I notified the powers that be quite some time ago for a manual on the elementary age stage, but mine has yet shown up. the truly sad part about this is I've also called customer service because I think my child has a "defiance defect".

    Damn, I hate that hold music...

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  30. alexis is becoming quite the little jokester

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  31. Yeah, little kids are ridiculous. Little Bear is nearly 5 and she STILL gets up in the middle of the night almost every night and goes to sleep with someone else somewhere in the house! And she, too, is always testing me, and coming up with her own answers that I will probably never guess. I wish I could be a little kid again, just to have a mind that works like that!

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  32. oh just wait. you will fail again and again. how about when your preschooler comes home with an uneaten peanut butter and jelly in his lunch box. why didn't you eat your lunch today? i don't like jelly. really? you have eaten it every day this year. no i haven't! i only like it with just peanut butter no jelly.

    so i loose. again.

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  33. Jeez mom, what's your problem?
    How could you not know it was an elephant?
    :-)
    Those moments are what make motherhood so much fun :-)

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  34. If you can't even play LELLOW CAR! what on earth will you tell her when she asks how to cover a hickey?

    And I have one more reason to be upset with the Army hospital our first was born at. Tip or no, a manual wasn't an option. Stupid cheap military hospitals.

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  35. better get on the stick, girlie. she has the hat trick and you're stuck in the penalty box.

    tsk tsk...

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  36. Love Janet's comment up there. I'm thinking you should just randomly yell things out. And, declare yourself the winner. Cause you are so not above cheating to beat the 2 year old.

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  37. I regularly get schooled by the toddler for not knowing things. He constantly gets annoyed with me for it. Like yesterday? We actually had an existential debate. I'd write more but I've already put it in his next monthly update, so you'll read about it on the second. But surely, the instruction manual doesn't mention existential debates with two year olds! Because I sure as hell didn't know that was going to happen.

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  38. I love how they correct us so matter-of-factly as if it was SO obvious and we were SO wrong. Too funny!

    My daughter's preschool had them bring their teddy bears to school so that they could have a "Tea party" lunch. When I asked her if her bear ate with her, she said "my bear doesn't have a MOUTH" and gave me this look as though I were so dense. I couldn't help but laugh!

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  39. well how the heck do those monsters we call children expect us to get those kinds of questions right when we are so clearly sleep deprived and after a year of it are lucky we can remember our own name.......

    wait- maybe that was a bit harsh after the bad sleep night we had here last night....what the heck, a 13 month old and a 4 year old are supposed to sleep!

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  40. You are my hero. The way you use humor to survive this crazy ride of parenthood is so refreshing. This post was hilarious and all to true. Thanks for sharing!

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  41. Kids, they are a moving target.

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  42. That kid. What a riot!

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  43. Does your Infant Owners Manual come with a section about how to explain THE RADIO to a 2 year old, specifically the part about how you cannot just call up any song at any moment? Cause my book seems to be missing that section.

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  44. Both my kids, around the age of one, had a few nights where they woke up at about, oh, two a.m. and thought it was time to party. I'm still not over the trauma.

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  45. I got a little smarter as my kids went through the ages of 5,6,7 and 8. Now that I have a teen though, I know NOTHING. Really NOTHING. It's so sad.

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  46. That picture is priceless!

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  47. I haven't had a solid night's sleep in ten years...

    wait until she starts telling how to drive, while giving precise directions, that is, if she isn't doing this all ready.

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  48. Dude! I throw my kids in the hamper when I beat them in Lello Car, too!

    And I totally believe that there are elephants in trees since I grew up believing there were elephants under the chairs of my dad, grandpa, and several uncles.

    Those sneaky elephants...

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  49. I thought of you today when I was sitting through my daughter's 6th grade graduation ceremony. The principal said he's had several talks with the 6th graders throughout the year about being the driver of their destiny much like the driver of a car and then he held up a model yellow VW Bug. I immediately thought "Bingo" because that's what my kids yell when they see these cars on the road, but then my very next thought was "Lello! I win!"

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  50. Another manual sorely needed: the "I just got handed a 7 month old that is scared to death of me and now I am going to be his mother" handbook!

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  51. How cute! I love the walking game you played. I'm sorry that you failed the last test though. Next time you might try making up something absolutely riduclous and see if she buys it!

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  52. "By the time they hit that first birthday, though, you're supposed to have your act together."

    I'm sorry . . .what????

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