Thursday, June 5

Belly and The B*tch

It's been a while since we last checked in on the Saltwater Tank of Horrors and WOO BOY have the horrors been running rampant as of late. But, before I get into the latest in transgender woes, let's do a little recap for any newbies (and anybody who has a short attention span like me).

We set up a brand spankin' new saltwater aquarium in the Toddler's room last fall. We've had freshwater tanks for eons and have always REALLY wanted to enter into the world of brightly colored fishies and crazy cool corals. The tank has been, um, interesting all along.

First, there was a little bit of a problem with a fish who only ate little sea bugs (technically called copepods, but this isn't a Biology lesson so I don't care what they are "technically" called). He died when we went out of town and the little bugs that were intended to be his lunch took over the tank. Along with that little issue came the realization that we had a major worm problem in the tank as well (Gah! Fine. For you picky technical types, bristle worms. BIG ones.) We still have a worm problem, and you'd be mistaken if you thought I didn't spend hours every week trying to hunt those little jerks down, because I totally do. That's an ongoing OCD thing I've got going on.

Anyway, the last time we checked on the Fishtank of Horrors, I had erroneously purchased a buddy for our original fish, a Nemo fishy named Perc. Sadly, Perc's buddy, Belly, brought with him some sort of disease blah, blah, blah, the whole tank got wiped out. Much crying, sobbing, and punching myself in the face happened.

(For those in the know, we do have an isolation tank--it's occupied by a murderous brittle starfish that I need to find a home for. Neither Mr. Husband nor I can manage to find it in our hearts to just kill the thing and be done with it. So, the isolation tank is off limits unless we want to give the killer starfish a very expensive dinner.)

Anyway.

A few weeks ago, Mr. Husband went out and bought a new Nemo fishy. This time he went with one that was more of a maroon color than orange. Those clever Fish Naming Types call it a Maroon Clownfish. Alexis called it "Belly" because apparently all fish with white stripes are heretoforth to be known as Belly. So, all was well. Then, we decided it was a wee bit too boring in the tank, so I hunted down another Maroon Clownfish.

A very basic Biology lesson about Clownfish would be helpful to set up the next part of the story. All Clownfish are born as Pats. In captivity, the largest one will end up morphing into a female and all of the others will become a males. However, if you pull one of those males out of the tank and toss it in one where it's alone, it'll morph into a female. Clownfish are transgendered little buggers that can go back and forth, but being a female is the preferred state of the Clownfish universe. The main issue with them is that females do not get along with each other. At all. There will be a little jockeying when two strange female Clownfish come together and one of them will end up turning into the lesser sex, a male. It's usually a bumpy road for a day or two, but not really a big deal.

So, we had this little Maroon Clownfish named Belly in the tank. I found it a buddy. Correction: I found HER a buddy. And, the lady at the fish store KNEW I was buying a new Maroon Clownfish to put in with an existing Maroon Clownfish. Yet, she didn't tell me a VERY important detail: Maroon Clownfish are mean mo fo'ers. They are supremely racist and won't tolerate anybody of their own species UNLESS you manage to get a male and a female. I didn't buy a male.

Nope.

We ended up with two female Maroon Clownfish.

Dude, they are ripping each other to shreds. Well, technically Belly is getting ripped to shreds. The B*tch (I named that one) is the meanest freakin' fish I've ever seen. This is two seconds after I dropped The B*tch in with Belly:




That ain't fishy love. That's fishy I'm Going to Rip You Fin to Fin and then Rip You Apart Some More.

So now I have The B*tch quarantined in a kind of not cool way, but I don't have a choice. It seems that neither Belly nor The B*tch is willing to morph into a male. They would rather fight to the death. The B*tch will be going back to the store and we'll be trying to find some other sort of friend, not of the Maroon Clownfish variety, to keep Belly happy.

All this drama and all because neither Belly nor The B*tch is willing to just grow a pair and be a real man.

43 comments:

  1. This is just plain funny to me. I don't own fish as they die in the little baggies before we get them home from the fair each year. So yeah, dogs and kids survive here. And mushrooms, they grow wild in my yard.
    So I will be waiting to see what happens in the next installment of the Belly saga.

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  2. fish *shudder*

    i.hate.fish.

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  3. Oh my gosh! I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry. Either way, your saga with that fish tank is amazing. Poor little fishy...give the mean one to the starfish!

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  4. My little brain just cannot wrap itself around all this sex changing. I think I'll stick with the dog.

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  5. That is so sad, but thank you for the diagramming or I could have mistaken it for fishy cuddling, and that couldn't be good... Poor, poor Belly.

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  6. Okay, now I'm totally curious about this not cool way of quarantining off the bitch . . .

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  7. why is it always the b*tch who gets sent back to the store?

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  8. Poor Belly.

    Maybe you could sent the B*itch to me. After the night I just had, I'd give her a run for her money.

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  9. Poor Belly. Funny though, they are so gorgeous.

    I would totally get some, but not after the troubles I have seen you have with them.

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  10. Not to discourage you, but my boss made several unsuccessful attempts to have a Finding Nemo saltwater tank. One day he decided he was done with teaching his kids about death in the underwater world and sold the whole set up (minus fish, which were all dead).

    I've always wanted a saltwater tank, but I am chicken (and I have cats who would find a way...)

    Peace - D

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  11. I really don't understand why you do this to yourself. Do you get any enjoyment out of this f'in fishtank at all?! Too much work and drama for my blood.

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  12. My daughters dad runs his own aquarium maintenance business. He's an expert and even he has had issues with fish. So don't feel too bad. He doesn't even have any tanks of his own at his home anymore, just the ones he keeps in the basement for aquarium business purposes. Saltwater isn't easy, it takes practice. He has had some awesome fish though, I loved the Lionfish.

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  13. Maybe you should try just owning a tank full of those worms you keep fighting/hunting.

    This whole story sounds so WILD KINGDOMISH. And scary. And too tragic.

    I mean, I GET the Circle of Life, but watching nemo fish get ripped to shreds?

    Barbaric!!

    Hallie :)

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  14. Wow, who knew that fishtanks could be such a study in sociology!

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  15. this is just down right funny! It also sounds a lot like what happens when you to head strong females in the same room (or drunk females)

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  16. You should put the B*tch in the tank with the starfish for a few minutes -- give her a taste of her own medicine.

    Do you blame them, really? Would you want to be a man? I wouldn't.

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  17. I learned a whole heck of a lot about fish today. And I learned that 8 dogs is much easier than a fish tank of horrors. I'll just keep vaccuuming hair and paying vet bills.

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  18. So cool! Glad you took pictures. Fish are FREAKY!!!

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  19. We got some sort of water snails for our tank and the bloody turtle is eating them right out of their shells. Fish tanks are cool, but a pain in the butt sometimes eh?

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  20. So, holding fins and singing Koombaya is out of the question......

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  21. Wow! Drama in the fish tank! Sounds like an episode of a telenovella soap opera!

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  22. Anonymous11:40 AM

    this post (along with the fact that 2 two year olds asked for a nap 2 hours early) made my day. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time

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  23. Men! Ugh! When you want them to have balls, they got none...but yet, at times they think those little buggers will lead them to victory...ya know.

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  24. The Clownfish thing? I had no idea. That's fascinating!

    Sounds like as much work as a puppy!

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  25. Mental note to self: If the urge to get an aquarium ever strikes, punch self in head repeatedly instead.

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  26. Aw geez and I thought fish were simple pets.

    Sigh.

    Nix that idea. Very cool looking though. I totally want(ed) a salt water tank.

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  27. I don't like fish and now I know why. Thanks for the lesson in them though.

    I will never again say it's a dog eat dog world. I am going to say it's a fish eat fish world. Should I ever find a reason to use that in the blog (which I totally will) I shall link back to this post. Cause it made me laugh.

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  28. ImpostorMom4:12 PM

    I love it when you talk about the tank of horrors. It's always so educational. I'm just happy that the Betta is still alive. My husband pointed out to me the other day that the tank looked like it could use a cleaning. I promptly informed him that it was HIS turn. :)

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  29. This morning I'm watching the news and I saw the...umm..."other team" umm...celebrating ... and I thought...ooops..should have been reading Burgh Baby (fell asleep last night and didn't get to read any of my blogs) to find that out. And I felt for ya'. Guess that shows how addicted I am to your blog that the first thought I had was of you.

    *sigh*

    Hang in there. They are a great team and will be back next year.

    As for the fish..dang it, girl! It's like a mobster fish!

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  30. Lol. My kids want a dog. I was thinking fish might be less work, but I see I was wrong. Maybe I'll go back to the dawg books.

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  31. she's got the look -so does she

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  32. Isn't that always the way? Men never want to grow a pair in a stressful situation.

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  33. What the hell?! I say buy some beta fish (two males), put THEM in along with the brittle starfish and the worms and conduct a social experiment. Then let Alexis read "Lord of the Flies."

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  34. Well I wouldn't either. Makes you wonder how many times somebody brought Ms. B back to the store & that's why the pet store lady was so unforthcoming hmmm...

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  35. Haaaaa . . . this former English teacher is with Tranny Head. I'm all about those teachable moments :)

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  36. I totally get it. Ain't enough room for TWO bitches around here. Kind of why I can't be a lesbian.

    Sort of appropriate that one clown fish has a bum fin, all Nemoesque and such.

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  37. Meagan@meplusthree.us1:04 AM

    LOL!! I was sitting here trying to figure out what a "hunka fin" was!! Note: I figured it out! lol

    The pictures are adorable as always!

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  38. All this drama and all because neither Belly nor The B*tch is willing to just grow a pair and be a real man. This here? This line alone has me rolling!!

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  39. I had no idea but I can't quit laughing.

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  40. John would probably say that the same thing happens in our house. Oh, and in the fish tank too.

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  41. what? you documented that? I would've been screaming like a ninny and would've forced Justin into flushing the B*tch. I made my brother play executioner for me when I had an unusually hostile black-skirted tetra that kept attacking any fish I put in there with him, be it another black-skirted tetra, or a neon tetra, or a platy, or a freakin' goldfish. Ticked off me and my college budget.

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  42. If only we could morph into men!

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  43. Grow a pair.. HA!!! ROFLMBO!!!

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