Thursday, June 12

The Midnight Train Ride with an Eight-Armed Toddler

I most seriously wish someone had done a better job of warning me about the sleep deprivation that comes with having kids. It wouldn't have stopped the train from leaving the station, but I sure would have enjoyed that time BEFORE it left the station a little bit more. Right now I would say the deprivation is about 30% my own fault, but 70% of the blame falls firmly on the little shoulders of a certain short human who insists that she should recite War and Peace in her loudest toddler voice at all hours of the night.

Last night was an extra-special kind of night that included a late start to the Going to Bed Party for yours truly. I was all sorts of busy playing softball with some cool Pittsburgh bloggers and didn't get home until after the Toddler and Mr. Husband were already in bed. No problem, except that as I creeped up the stairs on my way to Zzzzzzland, I heard faint noises coming from The Toddler's room. So I did what any self-respecting parent would do, I rushed into the bathroom and closed the door to hide from her.

She found me.

She was pretty insistent that she needed to suction cup herself to my hip, so after a few minutes of ridiculous debate, I took her to bed with me. And we both fell asleep and lived happily ever after.

Except, not.

I have the distinct feeling that until the Toddler manages to grow some hair of her own (I think she has scheduled that activity for the year 2012), she is going to obsess over mine. The girl cannot keep her grubby little fingers out of my hair. Twirl, twirl, twirl. Pull, pull, pull. Yank, yank, yank. Twirl, twirl, twirl. So as soon as I tried to lay my head on the pillow, the overwhelming magnetic force of my fabulous hair drew her all the way over to my head, and the fingers dived right in for some twirly twirl.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I can't fall asleep with a Toddler suction cupped to my head and twirling my hair. So, I engaged Operation Great Wall of Pillows. That's where I snap up a whole bunch of pillows and build a wall between the Toddler and my head. Sometimes Operation Giant Wall of Pillows works wonders and the Toddler ends up falling asleep while she's trying to climb it. Sure, she kicks Mr. Husband in the head 50 times doing it, but that's OK. He's not the one that got up with her every three hours for months and months so she could suck all the life force out of a boob. It's his turn for a little misery.

The Toddler must have been particularly alert last night for Operation Great Wall of Pillows was not such a success. Apparently the wall was missing some giant chunks of mortar because those chubby little hands kept managing to poke through. First they poked through up high. Then down low. Then on the left. And on the right. She suddenly had more hands jabbing around than a high school boy trying to unhook a bra strap, completely oblivious to the fact that it's a front-closure sort of contraption. I couldn't see the clock through the Great Wall, but I'm pretty sure the hand-to-hair combat went on for over 30 minutes.

I found myself wishing the Bulldog's butt was lying on my pillow instead of the Toddler.

This is an all-time low for me. Part of my brain knows that Bulldog butt stench is debilitating and potentially deadly, but the other part thinks that might be better than suffering through the pain of having each and every follicle of hair pulled out, slowly, and one at a time.

Can I get back on that train and take it to Zzzzzzland?

41 comments:

  1. It was awesome to finally meet you! You had a hella good catch in the outfield!

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  2. I'm trying to picture your bed. Operation Great Wall of Pillows. The Bulldog butt. You with crazy hair (begging for a reprieve). Hubs curled up in the fetal position. Toddler standing in the middle of it all--clearly dominating her opponents. Seriously. I want video. Or a picture. Something . . .

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  3. anglophilefootballfanatic.com10:23 PM

    I am hoping this is a king? You cannot sleep 5 in a queen, right? And, do you blame her for wanting to cuddle? You are hawt, wumman.

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  4. You get the hair twirly, I get the nipple twiddling. Seriously, the kid can't stay away from my boobs!

    And she is weaned! Sigh.

    Here's hoping for some sleep sometime.

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  5. Oh, those days.
    I miss them...
    NOT!
    Now if mine come into my room, I send them to their spot on my floor. Seriously. My husband got the brilliant idea to set up a sleeping bag and some blanets and pillows at the foot of our bed, since their nighttime antics were getting in the way of our sleep. (Which, I hear you. Is so not fun.) Anyways, they're older now, but it works, it works, it works!
    Now I don't sleep for different reasons. "Was that a noise downstairs?" "Did I lock up?" "What day is it, and when is Hubby coming home?"

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  6. I cannot stand to be touched when I'm trying to sleep. So I feel your pain.

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  7. I'm with Laski...we should have to pictures to look at...set up that Mr. Canon on the tri-pod.

    When Gavin occassionally comes in and I cannot convince his father to carry him back and I'm too tired to try, I am rewarded with an F5 tornado in bed with us. I wake up on the edge of the bed, Justin's on the other edge, and Gavin is sprawled out in the middle, usually cocked at some crazy angle so that all 38 inches and 32lbs of him is taking up 9/10 of the queen bed.
    Cooper is the one that has to mess with my hair, but he's actually surprisingly gentle and just strokes and plays with my hair. But he likes to pull down my lip and check out my teeth, and try to grab my eyelashes so he can see my eyes. I used to turn my head, but now he tries to yank out my little stud earrings.

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  8. I am ever so grateful that we've never had problems like this.

    Don't hate me.

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  9. On the plus side, Bulldog butt stench is a relatively painless way to go, as opposed to having each hair plucked straight out of your head.

    The worst thing that happens here when either of the boys need to climb in with us (well, ok.. so Jock hasn't done that in about a decade or so, and Bug's night terrors have dwindled down to about 1-2 a month, so its not so bad now)... they would have this great need to burrow as close to my body as they could possibly get without getting back in. Forcing me to be rightupagainst Coach. And really? All three of those guys have hugely high body temperatures... I usually end up on the couch and let them sweat together without me. :)

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  10. How come, if you are so sleep deprived, you can come up with a post like THAT? Brilliance!

    Gracie used to end up with her feet in my back or her bum on my head. It wasn't comfy. Usually I wound up being banished to the couch. That couch got a lot of mileage when she was Toddler's age.

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  11. I dont beleive Alexis would do such a thing. look at that cute girl, she is such a sweetie pie.

    just kidding, I know how it can be. Jason used to get up at nights for days.

    hope u catch up on that lost sleep

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  12. I'm waiting to see your edible cake baby. I think you talk a big game Burgh Momma but I don't think you'll deliver.

    I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!!

    Hallie

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  13. LOL! And as bad as bulldog butt stench is, it is more likely to knock you out than toddler hands in one's hair!

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  14. I'm with Tootsie - I can't sleep if someone is touching me, so this would have sent me babbling to the loony bin.

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  15. Hope you get some sleep tonight - hotels are nice. What's this about playing softball? I clicked on the links, but just got more confused.

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  16. It took my son until he was 3 to sleep through the night. I am still trying to catch up on my lack of sleep.

    Next time move to the couch and let daddy have tornado wild girl to himself.

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  17. Aren't they sneaky little devils? Maybe you should introduce Alexis to her own hair and tell her to do Twirly twirl there?

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  18. I think I might like it if my toddler was trying to loop his fingers through my hair rather than twisting at my boob like it is a frieking piece of bread that needs to be kneaded!

    Dang it!

    I probably wouldn't have confessed that I still breastfeed if I wasn't always so stinking sleep deprived myself.

    What? Oh...sorry..did I fall asleep? What was I saying?

    Who knows...I have to push submit or whatever on this right?.....where's that butto....zzzzzzz

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  19. Oh I would have been a crazed momma. Bean likes to touch my face while he dozes off. Yeah picture that a toddler hand around you face as he is drowsy. I can not TELL you how many times I have been poked in the eye.
    I feel your pain. I really, really do.

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  20. My second child was also hair-obsessed. He always had to be twirling my hair, but luckily he learned early (really early, before he was even walking) that if he pulled or twisted to the point of pain, he got put down in a really big hurry. So he learned to be especially gentle.
    The down side to this was that he would sneak into my bed, snuggle his little warm body behind my back and gently twirl the hair at the back of my neck. Which felt amazing. And often didn't wake me.

    This whole process was counter-productive to me efforts to get him to stay in his bed all night.
    It's a cute obsession, but she will outgrow it - I promise. Once my son's hair was long enough, he didn't need me for that anymore (except for extremely stressful situations when mommy hair was all that would do). He's 15 now, and still twirls his own hair on occasion, but he's not much into mine. I kinda miss it.

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  21. then in the morning you look at the adorable face covered with jelly/syrup/cheerios and think, how can i get mad at something so sweet.

    then pray for a really, really, really long nap.....

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  22. Hey! I'm relieved to see so many other nipple twisting toddlers on here!! Was beginning to worry mine was the only one doing said strange behaviour when falling asleep. *sigh*

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  23. I'll do my best to stop as many balls as possible from getting to the outfield but I can't make any promises.

    Great to finally meet ya and I have to second woy's comment on the great catch!

    cheers!

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  24. I've got the solution for you.

    Two words:

    Crew. Cut.

    I believe it would keep toddlers and leacherous men away, all at the same time.

    Of course, very masculine women might begin to chase you, but hey, I can't solve all your problems, lady, I'm only one person.

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  25. Ugh....toddler in bed....awful.

    But bulldog butt? Thinking that could be totally worse.

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  26. too freakin' hilarious. I don't have the hair twirler, I have the groin kicker. I guess he dreams he is running? His legs never stop. But, huge milestone here, two nights IN A ROW he stayed in his own bed. All. Night.

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  27. Aidan is 3 1/2 and he still wakes up in the night sometimes. I'm hoping by the time he's a teenager I'll be able to get some sleep, but I doubt it.

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  28. toddler hair twirling. oh, i miss it so much. honestly.

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  29. but not when i, like, want to sleep.

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  30. bwahahahahaha.

    sorry, didn't mean to laugh. i was going to tell you to ... bwhahahahahahahaaaaaa.

    uh. ok, sorry again, but the reality is ... bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

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  31. Love my kids, but no freakin' way can I sleep with them! And that was instilled at an early age. Which is why I always have to look where I'm going when I get up in the middle of the night to pee. I've been known to step over a kid or three.

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  32. I wish I could say it get better but my seven and nine year old still ask if they can sleep with mommy when daddy is working late :0

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  33. I once watched a friend's cat and it was obsessed with my hair when I tried to sleep. I'm thinking the claws were worse than toddler fingers. My friend said she got used to it and could sleep right through it.

    You never seem to run out of things to post about, but in case you do, I tagged you for a meme.

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  34. I've been on that train! Seriously, my kid does the hair thing too, what's with that? He's got a head full of hair, pull your own damn hair out kid!

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  35. Slep is totally underated, I know!

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  36. Nice to finally meet you! And I completely expect you to make a catch like that every week now. ;)

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  37. Mine just like to get up really close to me. I'm already on the edge of the bed and both kids are trying to get all up under my armpit. Hubby is spread out luxuriously on his side of the bed. Pisses me off!

    Hope you were able to catch up on some sleep. I feel your pain, girl. I do.

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  38. what a hilarious post! Sorry to laugh at your pain, but man that's funny!

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  39. That was a delightful picture you painted there. Just thank your lucky stars she's not twins.

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  40. Oh, the hair twiddling and pulling! I get it while my little one is nursing. In fact, if she can't reach my hair while she's nursing, she freaks out. So far, when we cosleep, she does not go for my hair. But I will remember the Great Wall of Pillows trick.

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  41. In the deepest, darkest depths of the night, when her tiny hand groping down my shirt just doesn't seem to satisfy that unknown toddler itch, its, yes, wait for it...toddler fingers up the nose. Can't imagine its very comforting for her; I usually shriek, say a few nasties at full voice, and go fetal at the edge of the bed. Of course, that's when dad finally kicks in. Maybe that's what she's ultimately after. Who can tell. Good luck fellow fighters for sleep!

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