Thursday, August 28

An Interplanetary Invasion

Hello?

*Looks around furtively*

I think we're alone. Can I come in? I'm Janet -- from The Planet of Janet. The Burgh Baby family has in-laws visiting, and so I volunteered to housesit today.

I'm feeling a little funny about visiting the House of Toddler -- it has been so long since I had to deal with 2-year-olds that I can hardly remember.

Well, that's not entirely true. I remember quite a bit. That's because I have a 14-year-old daughter, and they aren't kidding when they say that terrible 2s are just like teenagers (only smaller in stature).

Their highs are the highest and their lows are the lowest. And the only thing you can do is hang on for the ride.

So from my elevated position as the queen of raising both 2s and teens and having survived the teen years of four of the five interplanetary children, I can offer the following tips for the Burgh Baby Mom and her Burgh Toddler:

MOM ...

* Learn how to do hair: Omigod, hair can be the bane of your existence. Yes, the Burgh babe's hair is a little wispy now, but one day it will be a full head of flowing, tangled, knotted protein. And someone (we won't mention any names *coughcoughAlexiscoughcough*) will want it styled in a princess half-pony french braid twist. And you'd better know how to do it, or there'll be HOLY HECK to pay!!!!

* Teach her the ways of the clearance table: Be not swayed by the puppy-dog eyes when all her friends are doing it FULL PRICE. There are bargains to be had, and she can find them in the back of the froofy store. Then she, too, can have a moose (or a squirrel) on the butt pocket of her short-shorts. Start this practice earlier, rather than later.

* Don't let your babies grow up to be cheerleaders: I know that the Burgh Baby Mom is against the whole concept of cheerleading, and, although my daughter has found pleasure, friends and a whole new world in the cheer realm, I will give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. However, DO find something that rocks her world and keeps her mind and body B-I-Z-Z-Y. There is nothing nicer than watching your daughter have to turn down dates (WITH BOYS! ZOMG!) because, ahem, she has practice.

TODDLER ...

* Go to sleep already: Don't you know that when you're a teenager, you will WANT to sleep? And you won't want to sleep with your parents? So fake 'em out. Get started early on this one!

* Never stop talking: Well, ok, stop talking SOMETIMES. You don't want people to feel like stuffing a sock in your face! But never stop talking to your mom and dad. They will want to know what's up with you, and if you shut them out, they COULD resort to more devious methods to find out. If you don't want them reading your Facebook status or your angsty poety, then throw them a bone every now and then.

* And for gawd's sake, learn to spell: I'm assuming that you will grow up with cell phones and texting and instant messaging. It's not "skool," it's "school." It's not "culdnt," it's "couldn't." And Alexis, PLEASE. It's not "bi," it's "bye." It's one more keystroke! And it saves us old folks from having a stroke ourselves over the demise of the language.

And lastly, remember my mantra. It works for both mother and child:
"This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass ..."

31 comments:

  1. Those last two for the Toddler totally cracked me up. "angsty poetry..." FUNNY!!

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  2. oh hey there! didn't know you were house sitting...how fun. :)

    very cute letter to The Toddler...might use it on my preschooler, especially the shutting-up one.

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  3. "Never Stop Talking" was a good lesson for me. I am an inch past my teenage years (so ancient at twenty, right?), and I needed to hear that. Not because I fear my parents finding any of my personal stuff online (I dare them to try), but because they are my parents. And parents want to know what is up. That's just how they are.

    I'll try to be less annoyed next time they ask. Of course it will help once I've gone back to college and put half a country between us...

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  4. Just wait until Alexis starts SPEAKING in text.

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  5. Oh if you poor parents of teen to come only knew.............mwahahahahahah.


    :)

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  6. Ya gotta love someone named Tootsie Farklepants....

    MY kids speak in text. If I had a buck for every time I've heard WTF? or BFF or OBV (ok, hehe, OBV is mine) anyway... trust me when I say teenage girls suck! However, they get better. Thing 1 is 21 now, and I like her just fine again....

    Janet, as always, you rock baby. Great post, great advice... I loves you...

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  7. Great post for a house sitter. As a toddler mom, I will also take this to heart. I am terrified of my litte dears becoming teenagers.

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  8. That was great. And next you'll be doing "how to parent the teens", right?

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  9. Too bad after reading the title I couldn't stop singing the Beastie Boys song "Intergalactic Planetary."

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  10. Oh Dude, this was one awesome post!!

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  11. anglophilefootballfanatic.com8:46 AM

    Yay for the Janet posting! Well thought out advice, J. And, BBM come back soon. We're missing your wit around here these parts.

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  12. Loved this post! I worry that I won't have a clue what my son is saying by the time he is a teenager. I don't speak text AT ALL. It took me a while when I started blogging to figure out what ROFLMAO stood for. I'm too old - hurts brain.

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  13. Hey there!

    Excellent advice...especially the part about being busy. Idle hands/minds really are the devil's playground. :)

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  14. excellent post janet :) maybe you should post at my place some time! loved what you said, it's so true and given my 3 year old's highs and lows, i know i'm in for oh so much trouble in the 'tweens!

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  15. What a great post, and excellent advice in both directions. I am the mother of 4 30-somethings, and well, parenting never ends, it just changes direction. And I know from experience that when they stop talking is exactly when you need to start.

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  16. Fantastic advice...you are SOME SMART!!

    Hallie :)

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  17. this was so comical! I love it!

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  18. Note to self: Learn to french braid. Got it! :)

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  19. I love my J! Such a wise woman with such sage advice! I love how you crafted this post! xo

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  20. ..LOL.....thanks for the visit...he...he....!!!

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  21. Bwahahahahaha.... What can I say other than PERFECT advice? "Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cheerleaders..." Priceless.

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  22. Hi Janet!

    Thank you for the tips, we will take them to heart. I have a 2 year old myself, as well as a 9-year old, so that's all stuff I need to take notes on!

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  23. Great advice - again, I'm lucky to have two boys with buzzed hair for the summer. :O) We don't even BRUSH hair in our house!

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  24. Love it! That's so funny! Great advice!

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  25. My goodness. You could be like the female version of Solomon (You know, ancient wise King from the Bible). whoa - not that I'm saying YOU'RE ancient - no, no, no. HE was. But he was wise. Smart even. Just like you.

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  26. Great advice!

    So very funny. Glad you were filling in today!


    Missed BB's Mom, but you were a great sub.

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  27. Oh, these are great tips!!! Thanks! I will now read the toddler ones to my toddler. She needs them.

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  28. Just thought I'd let you know I saw a commercial today that said the Toddler's favorite Latina cartoon character is going to be a the aviary tomorrow and Sunday. I don't know if you can handle it but I am sure she would think it was the best thing ever!

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  29. @erin--Birds plus people in costumes? That sounds like the ULTIMATE toddler punishment! Bwahahaha!

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  30. The Mom ones?
    Check, check, and check.

    And I am posting this at 12:15 AM (that's 15 minutes after midnight for those not paying attention), because NEITHER CHILD FELL ASLEEP UNTIL AFTER 11:30!.
    I'll be reading them the toddler list tomorrow. Although they have that second one down.

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