Wednesday, January 21

I'm Just Never Happy. Or Well Rested.

I'm not particularly proud of it, but I know for a fact that Alexis has ended up in our bed 349 out of the last 365 nights. That's 349 nights that she has wandered down the hall and spent a portion of her sleeping hours kicking me in the head, yelling at the top of her lungs, fighting with the Bulldog, punching Mr. Husband, pretending to be a Toddler Helmet, and otherwise just making sure that I never get sleep again.

She likes it that way.

I don't.

So, why is it that on the extremely rare occasions that she actually stays in her own cozy bed, I still can't sleep? I awoke this morning at a painful 3:45am, realized she wasn't on top of me, and couldn't fall back asleep. The reason? My brain, in its sleep-deprived state, was worried that something was wrong. Did she fall out of bed and crack her skull, leaving her brains to ooze all over her delicate IKEA not-really-wood floor? Had she stopped breathing after dreaming about pairs skating with Sidney Crosby? Had she figured out a way to break through the baby gate that blocks our stairs, pried open the front door, and was at that moment, wandering our snowy, frigid neighborhood in search of Dora? Had she opened her window and made like Superman, flying through the air on her quest to save the world from the evil Steely McBeam?

And yet, part of my brain was functional enough to realize just how crazy it was to even consider that she was doing anything other than sawing some logs in her bed. Thus, I had an internal argument.

"Just go check on her."

"That's stupid. Go to sleep."

"Just go check on her."

"I told you, that's stupid. Go to sleep."

Back and forth. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

For an hour. For an hour my brain refused to shut off and grant me the bliss of peaceful sleep.

Then a miraculous thing happened. Meg (the Bulldog) did the most helpful thing she could have possibly done, perhaps the most useful thing she has EVER done: she farted.

It's amazing how fast you can jump out of bed to check on a kid when the heavy weight of Bulldog toots hover in the air.

39 comments:

  1. HA! That was totally not where I thought this post was going. hehe

    I do the same thing if Maggie sleeps late for some reason. Or like now, when suddenly after a SOLID HOUR of blood-curdling screaming from her crib, it's been quiet for at least 2 minutes. Did her head actually explode from the crying? Should I go check on her? She's probably fine, right? What if she's not actually asleep yet and I go check on her, she sees me, and the whole hellish hour starts all over again?

    Such dilemmas we parents face.

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  2. We haven't had our Bully in over a year and just the memory of Bully Butt makes my eyes water and my nose hairs shrivel.

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  3. I was so positive that my children would die of SIDS that I put the baby monitor inside the crib.

    I had all same thoughts and despite how crazy with worry I made myself (and my kids, no doubt) somehow they managed to survive without any major damage.

    Now I wish for those worries.

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  4. I SO feel your pain! And it is such a Catch-22. As much as I would love to sleep alone (or at the very least with just my husband), I can't imagine not having those little bodies curled up next to mine, kicking the crap out of anything not masked by the body pillow and resting their heads against mine (which I adore until they start breathing on me . . . toddler breath ranks right up there with dog farts.)

    I have already vowed to get the sleeing thing right with the next kid, but the likelyhood of that happening ranks right up there with me winning the lottery.

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  5. That internal argument sounds so familiar. And so do the farts. Was it one of those silent, suddenly-slaps-you-in-the-face-get-me-the-hell-outta-here ones?

    Those are the worst.

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  6. I hear ya on the kicking. You know, before I had a baby I used to read about people who were proponents of co-sleeping and think "well that's an interesting point of view."

    Now that I HAVE a kid, I think anybody who voluntarily sleeps with their child is nuts. I have never been so black and blue in my LIFE as the few nights we've had to bunk up together. It's like sleeping with a line of can-can dancers.

    (I get up to check a lot, too. Cat farts.)

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  7. So what was the end result? Was she passed out?

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  8. @trannyhead--Of course Alexis was asleep. It's all part of her plan for making me completely insane before she starts kindergarten.

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  9. Little Miss is 9 and she still gets in the bed with me but only after her dad gets up at 4am. She finally got too big to fit in the bed with both of us. I know at some point I will miss her climbing into the bed and taking it over completely. Maybe when she gets married. heh. But I don't miss the bully toots, she now sleeps with Little Miss which come to think of it, may be why she gets in the bed with me as soon as she can. heh!

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  10. Meg fart saves the day! News at eleven.

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  11. I have fought with myself too during the night, thinking much of the same crazy things, but I'd rather be tossing and turning and getting up a bazillion times than to be forced by a dog fart LOL

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  12. Um, a toddler helmet AND bulldog farts?! I would be sleeping on the couch downstairs from now on.

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  13. Huh. The dog does have a purpose in life. Who knew?

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  14. Wow. Sounds like a usual night here too.
    Only no bulldog--we have Kerry Blue farts. I'm not sure what the difference is. We have the video monitor though so when I begin to obsess that he *gasp!* has slept thru the night in his own bed I don't have to get up.
    Perhaps they need to make a canine accessory that would filter the fart till it came out odorless?

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  15. Skye was 4 before I was able to sleep a full night all the way through. At the moment I pleasantly delighted Pickles doesn't let out those kind of farts. Then again with 4 cats already in the bed, she wouldn't be able to get up there and let one off. (Hugs)Indigo

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  16. Mine were not the kids who came into my bed at night. Nevertheless, I had that same conversation with myself any time I thought I heard something in the night! :)

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  17. I do this when my kids sleep in or nap longer than normal - I'm convinced something is wrong when they do what I want them to do. My husband thinks I am nuts. I've learned that if I start to obsess, I might as well get up and check or I won't get back to sleep.

    And maybe she is sleeping in your bed to ensure she remains an only child? LOL

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  18. Oh I can so feel your pain. My 2 year old does the same thing. I've been walking him back to bed, letting him throw his little fit, and then he is fine and goes back to sleep. Sure saves me from bruises from being kicked all night long.

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  19. It's amazing how that brain can go into overdrive thinking about the most ridiculous things that could happen to our kids. I always thought that went away the older they got but I've now realized how silly that is.

    I once freaked out when the heat came on because Boog's curtains hang in front of the vent. I was terrified they'd catch on fire. That is until my husband said, honey, it's warm air, not flames. He's right but it took me a while to not want to move the curtains off his vent.

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  20. Ah, good, I'm not alone in the middle-of-the-night, it's-too-quiet anxiety. Nice to know. I am lucky enough to not have toddler helmets and bulldog farts, however. Whew, I got off light.

    ciao,
    rpm

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  21. Have you ever thought of drugging her? lol Tis my most common answer to toddler problems. :D Hey, alternatively, you could drug yourself!

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  22. I only have one who, occasionally, crawls into bed with us. My husband says he doesn't mind. Of course not! He still gets his full half of the bed (and then some) while I share my pillow with a scared-out-of-his-ever-lovin'-mind four-year-old! Ahhh, bliss! Did I mention how much I hate garbage night? 3AM, folks! Stop the insanity!

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  23. Awww, how lovely. I´m in Spain right now, and I happen to pass by a pet store with various doggies in the window every day, and today there was a bulldog and I thought "Meg!" Little did I know that she was spewing her evil gas everywhere.

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  24. I would have done the exact same thing. When Jonathan finally started sleeping through the night (haaaa.) I would think "why isn't he waking up? What's wrong?"

    Once a mama, always a mama!

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  25. I'm in almost the exact state of mind as you. Happy wakes up in the night practically five out of seven nights of the week. He's past the stage where he wants to come in our bed, but I still have to walk him back and tuck him in.

    Now there's a new twist. Baby is in her "big girl bed". The first two nights I left the door ajar after hubby and I went to bed. She was up and walking around looking for siblings to play with. Now the door is completely closed (she can't do doorknobs yet).

    I get up at least three times a night between the two of them. Last night it was nearing 3am and nobody was up yet. I put my ear up to the doors to make sure I heard breathing. Wacky moms!

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  26. May I suggest a crib until she is 19? At least that's my plan. :)

    Anyway, I say the dog gets an extra treat!

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  27. You have just given me a preview of my worst fears. Our 10 week old will only sleep in a swing and one of sleeps on the couch to watch him. I can't wait for the day when I can sleep in my bed again with my wife. I don't want to share it.

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  28. Maybe you should bottle that stuff and sell it as a motivational thing. Just a suggestion.

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  29. On more occasions than I care to admit, I will pace back and forth in front of J's closed door. Sometimes "accidentally" bumping into it.

    Is he breathing? Is he even in there? I take a peak. He's in there. He moves.

    Thank God.

    He wakes.

    Oh, crap.

    And I get my wish. It is like my day can't quite begin unless he's in it. Wide awake.

    Awesome.

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  30. @Otter--Alexis slept in her own bed for the first two years of her life. It started literally the first night she was home from the hospital, and just suddenly ended over Christmas a year ago.

    Those were the good ol' days.

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  31. And THAT is why being a mommy is a dirty, stinky, sleepless job. ;)

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  32. I know we went through our rough patch... you know, YOUR stupid team beating MY awesome team.

    But, I'm ready to put that behind us, forgive you, and tell you I love you again. 'Cause that post: damn girl. Good one!

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  33. If Emmett naps even one minute past 4:30, I will convince myself that he's died. I'll pace around the kitchen having a conversation with myself very similar to yours until I can't stand it and have to race into his room. And you know what? I scare the crap out of that poor baby Every. Single. Time.

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  34. i see alexis has you well-trained.

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  35. Oh girl, I have TWO of them launching air biscuits all night. You can imagine how much work my air freshener gets!

    Peace (and get some sleep already!)

    D

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  36. You never cease to crack me up. But then you are so sweet too... A couple of the many reasons I like your blog so much.

    P.S. if that is the duck game that I think it is I am hate that game. I mean really HATE it.

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  37. @Elaine--I used to hate it, but then it "lost" the batteries and "broke." Now I love it!

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  38. Your dog sleeps in your room???

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  39. First off, you let your bulldog sleep on your bed?

    Secondly, it's nice to see that she has your back at least. :)

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