Monday, February 2

Up and Down and Up and Down and Up and Down and WAY Up

When I parked my car along a well-lit and busy street on Friday afternoon, I was looking forward to a spectacular weekend. Dinner with some of my favorite peeps, followed by some Penguins hockey, a little bit of shopping, and the grand finale on Sunday night--the Steelers playing in the Super Bowl. I wasn't expecting to return to my car to find a smashed window and a missing computer. I also wasn't expecting to spend a solid hour waiting for a police officer so I could file a report, followed by a half hour shivering as I tried to vacuum out the millions of little shards of glass that had exploded all over the inside of Audrey. And I definitely wasn't expecting to cruise along ten miles of highway in 15 degree weather without a window.

A spectacular start all right.

As I tried to find the happy on Saturday, the Penguins decided to smash my hope into more pieces than that broken window. As they choked on a sizable lead, I started to get that sensation of impending doom in the pit of my stomach. With the Super Bowl looming in the future, I began to mentally prepare myself for the worst. The worst weekend in history.

I spent all morning Sunday preparing for the inevitability. I started by convincing Mr. Husband that it was a fine time to run to Ikea to buy a new bookshelf. What better way to distract yourself from an epic football loss than with impossible instructions for assembling for crappy Swedish furniture? On the way back home, I asked him to stop at Wal-Mart--a form of torture in its own. I irrationally decided that Alexis was going to be a monster all through the game and that we had better prepare by purchasing a Super Bowl Survival Kit for her.

We walked out with a new princess movie, Play-Doh, and play food. I had consented to the use of the portable DVD player, knowing that Alexis would turn into a zombie staring at her tiny little screen. Between that and some new toys, I figured she would be fairly well entertained as the grown-ups watched the game.

And she was. She watched the first half of the game pretty intently, but then started to realize that she had opted to skip her nap and was starting to fall into the Bedtime Zone. Of course, Mr. Husband and I were each vying for Parent of the Year, so neither of us was quick to head upstairs to tuck the kid in for the night. It was a silent battle of wills between two people who didn't want to miss a single second of the game. Determined to win the war, I started whipping out the new forms of entertainment.

God bless Play-Doh. It is MAGICAL.

If you watched the Super Bowl, you know what happened in the fourth quarter--STRESS. Suddenly, a game that looked to be a done deal just a few minutes prior was A GAME. A freakin' Bite Your Nails, Hold Your Breath, Fight the Urge to Hide Your Eyes, and Nearly Die of a Heart Attack GAME.

Of course, that's exactly when Alexis decided Play-Doh, her play kitchen, and the princess movie were all SOOOO 2008. An epic fit loomed large in front of us, just as a Steelers loss loomed large on the TV.

We had no choice.

We had to do it.

We whipped out the ol' Dora DVD.

Alexis hadn't watched a single second of Dora in months. I had banned the Latina Whore from our home after realizing just how crazy she makes Alexis. She who is generally cooperative grows an Attitude and Devil Horns after just a few minutes of watching that punk-assed beyotch, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

We paid the price after the game when we tried to get Alexis to go to bed. She didn't want to leave her beloved Latina Whore and threw the fit of the century. Yet, it didn't matter.

Living in the city that is home to the six-time Super Bowl champion Steelers will do that to you.

Thank goodness the roller coaster that was this weekend ended with a giant high.


  1. Who knew that Dora had that kind of negative influence? But thankfully you were able to watch those last few minutes of the game.

  2. I don't think I've had the chance to tell you how sorry I am about your car. I hope karma rewards the thieves with a nice big arse-woopin'.

    Also? My hatred of Dora (that VOICE! THAT HORRIBLE VOICE!) burns hot and bright. I guess in this case she was a necessary evil, though - you gotta do what you gotta do.

  3. What happened to the new Princess movie? That would have been way better than Dora.

    Glad to see that your weekend ended on a high, at least.

  4. Tantrums are the worst. Just wait 'til you have two of them;P

  5. @Roger--The princess movie was a Disney knock-off and didn't keep her attention. We knew that was a giant FAIL when a villain came on and Alexis didn't freak out.

  6. I want to know if all the Aquarians in the group had this kind of up and down weekend. I think you win for the broken car in the window and stolen laptop.

    Please excuse the egregious lack of hyphens.

    I had a similar up-and-down weekend. Thank goodness I took Monday off, too, because it helped me recover from everything else.


  7. At least the Latina whore is good for something. I didn't watch the game, but I kept up with the score and it sounded like it would have been a good one to watch.

  8. I know that I will be in that situation some day since I am intense with my sports watching as well. I will remember your example to help me feel better about myself when I pull the parent of the year act.

  9. Glad the weekend ended up so good for you (on the whole). One day the Pack MAY just make it back to win the Lombardi trophy.

    Til then, I won't be holding my breath!

  10. Play-Doh rocks! It can keep Aidan entertained forever, but it does end up everywhere at the end.

  11. You need a Tivo so you can pause while you get the kiddo to bed and return to find everything just as you left it. We were about 45 minutes behind real time due to bedtime in the 2nd quarter.

    And sucks about the car! Ugh!

  12. When I walked in to Boog's classroom yesterday they were in the middle of watching a Dora video and I couldn't help myself I screamed "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

    We don't watch Dora. I find her terrible irritating and I have manged to keep Boog from being indoctrinated so far. Why does everything she say end as if it's a question and why is she always screaming?

    On the way home he talked of Boots and I assured him that we did not get Dora at our house. Then I whipped out MY new toy (iphone) and cued up some sesame street clips I downloaded. Whew!! Crisis narrowly diverted.

    That totally blows about the car. I didn't watch the game but the hubs told me it was a nail biter there at the end.

  13. I'm afraid my daughter will eat play-doh. She still gnaws on a crayon whenever she gets a chance. heehee! Alexis looks so tired in that picture.

  14. again I'm so sorry about your car that totally sucks!

    I'm glad your Steelers won though, that's an awesome end to a not so great weekend.

  15. Anonymous7:09 PM

    You know, I immediately thought of you when I heard the result! Dora sucks. I can't believe my 2-yr-old (boy!!) likes her! "Dori, Dori!" For the love. I have to be grateful for small mercies, at least it's not Yo Gabba Gabba...

  16. Happy that the weekend ended on a high note for you (and only partly because that means the Steelers WON!!) And I wondered about your drive home Friday night. That is definitely Teh Suck.

  17. Ah ... I thought Alexis had outgrown Dora. I wasn't aware that you banned the whore from the house ... could this have something to do with my under-appreciated gift? *snort*

  18. sometimes a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do ;-)

  19. What a crap start to your weekend! I'm glad it got better.

    It is so funny...when I was watching it I thought of you and how excited you would be.

    Have I mentioned how much I hate Dora too now? And Diego? Because I do.