Thursday, May 28

It's the Nice Things that Get Me

Yeah. So. The whole thing about people being in our house while we're not here is seriously getting to me. It's not so much about the being here part, it's the fact that they are touching our stuff. It is driving me NUTS. I know it's just part of the home selling process, but still. IT'S OUR STUFF. Keep your paws to yourself, people.

Karen had commented that she didn't think I seemed the type to get my panties in a wad over something silly like a stranger pulling back a shower curtain. I thought about it for a while, and she was right. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what my problem was. It's SILLY. Then, suddenly, Captain Obvious swooped down out of the sky, punched me in the face, and screamed, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT USED TO HAVING NICE THINGS."

Oh. Yeah. That.

It turns out that when you grow up wearing KMart jeans and living in a beat-down trailer house, you end up with a complex. An epic, possessive complex. It doesn't help that any time I've ever managed to get something nice, somebody just had to go and screw it up.

Example #1: My Honda CRX. It was the first decent car I ever bought. I didn't get it new, but I did get it in muy excellent condition. Then, while I was working at Walt Disney World, some poopface who lived in my apartment complex backed out of the parking space next to my precious car when they didn't have enough space. They left a $2000 dent alllllll down the side, but not so much as a note to say sorry. My insurance deductible was $1000 at the time, so I couldn't afford to fix it for over a year. My poor, poor car.

Example #2: My wedding dress. I had a GORGEOUS wedding dress. I found it online for an insanely good price, but it was still a crazy perfect dress. I made it all through our wedding day without messing it up, despite an outdoor wedding. When we returned to our house, I hung it from a hanger on the outside of the closet door. When we came back from our honeymoon, I found that it had fallen to the floor. And a jerkwad cat had pissed on it. Cat pee? Is DISGUSTING. My poor, poor dress.

Example #3: My dishes. Please note, I said "my" dishes, not our. They are MINE. I lurve them and I picked them and I lurve them so, so much. Mr. Husband and Alexis are allowed to use them, but only with extreme care. Too bad they are both born of the breed Klutzwad. I don't think there is a single piece that doesn't have a chip or crack or something. They don't mean to be evil to my dishes, but they are. My poor, poor dishes.

I could go on and on. It's a fact that no matter what it is, if I get something nice, it will get destroyed. Period.

I need mousetraps. Lots and lots of mousetraps. I'm sure nobody will hesitate to buy a house right after they get their fingers smashed for touching our stuff.

(More dorkbutts, this time trashing my couch. Seriously. They have TRASHED it, especially the middle one. She's a four-legged, drooling, farting, furniture-destroying machine.)


  1. omg. ME. TOO. Must be the trailer trash thing :) I can't tell you how many houses we've toured where I'm all, DUDE. TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIT. I can't for the life of me understand why nobody cares about their stuff. I know it's just stuff, but geez.

  2. I'm telling you, that agent NEEDS to get twitter names... really. And when she does, I'm on it! You just tell me who touched what and we'll double ON IT with them! ;o)

    LOL as always!

  3. If it makes you feel any better, other than the shower curtain and light switches and doors and cabinet doors and faucets and stuff, no one really touches anything when they go through a house. I bought a house last year, and I promise I never scratched a single car, peed on a single wedding dress or even farted on a couch. Pinky swear!

  4. Wow, me too!! Growing up poor and having 4 younger siblings who broke anything nice I ever had? MADE ME CRAZY. When a certain beagle mix puppy destroyed our new wedding gift comforter only a week after we got it? I had a meltdown. Definite meltdown. I stil fear getting nice things now!

  5. @Jill--Honest to God, I went through the whole house and changed out all of the light switch covers. I had put really nice ones in many rooms (like, REALLY nice--don't tell my husband, but $30/each nice). The thought of anyone even thinking about touching them made me sporky. I don't even know if we'll be able to use them at the new house, but ain't nobody touching them. Period.

  6. Reading back my reply to Jill, WOW do I have issues! Ha!

    And, here is an example of a light switch cover that no one is allowed to touch. They were my big "splurge" thing when we remodeled our kitchen.

  7. Cat pee on your wedding dress? I would have had me a nice warm winter hat after that.

  8. I found great curtains at our dollar store for my kitchen windows. I was so excited three dollars, deal of the century.
    About six months later I was walking through Shadyside Arts Festival, found the perfect light switch covers to match my curtains.
    Curtains: Three Dollars
    Matching Light Swick Covers: One Hundred And Forty Nine Dollars!

    On another note, be glad you are not home while people are going through your house. One time I was late getting out of the house when someone went through mine. They were commenting on how ugly the colors were.
    I was all like "Hey, I like those colors" I wanted to kick them out on their asses.

  9. Aww. I Totally relate to your grow up story, and also the people touching my stuff. Just know, that fabulous clorox wipes on everything will make you feel better.
    When I moved out here from Portland, I only brought few favorite mementos to display. Hubby's stupid cats broke everyting within one month. As if they knew, and were out to destroy me. I haven't bought anything for over 2 years. how sad.

  10. When I was in college, a friend climbed up to my roomie's top bunk, stepping on my bottom one with her nasty, visibly dirty feet. (Her soles were dark black)

    After that, I couldn't stand anyone touching my sheets. It's taken me years to overcome that, so don't worry. You're not alone in your neurosis...

  11. I would totally spaz out, too. Umm, I mean, I would *react* like that, too. ;) Have you thought about setting up one of those nanny cams or something in strategic positions? Then at least you could see how well behaved (or not) the visitor were and whether or not you needed to clean anything afterwards!

  12. You are being featured on Five Star Friday!

  13. This makes me think of that show on HGTV where they critique people's houses before they fix 'em up to sell. Hopefully you'll get an offer soon and won't have to worry about it anymore!

    Oh and, SO sorry about the wedding dress...

  14. Ugh! After those experiences ALONE I would not want anyone to touch anything of mine-nice or not.

  15. Anonymous5:13 PM

    When I was looking at buying a house I could never imagine myself in the houses that had other people's stuff in them. I felt like I was doing something totally wrong by being in someone else's house looking at their things and possibly even touching them. Gave me the heeby geebies.

    I can totally understand not wanting other people that you don't know in your house.

  16. Dude - they gotta touch your shower curtain to see if your shower is gross inside. I get that. If they sniff your underwear, it's different. Unless they give you an offer. In which case underwear sniffing is totally ok.

  17. ~snark~

    Words to live by at my house are "Wow, I really like that...but you know, we can't have nice stuff because of ~insert name here~" and the name changes, depending on who has been the biggest idiot this week.

    Never sold a house, but am a territorial wench, so I can imagine your pain.

  18. "She's a four-legged, drooling, farting, furniture-destroying machine."

    I had to look at the picture with care, because I thought you might have posted a picture of me.

    And I was confused as to why you thought I had four legs.

    But CLEARLY you meant Meg. And nothing in that description sounds like me. No sirree. Not the farting. Not the drooling. Not the furniture destroying.


  19. This post AND all the comments are freaking AWESOME! I'm still snorting at Jill's and Tranny's comments. HAHA!

    I think 'sporky' is my new favorite word.

  20. Just came over via Just My Life's blog. I'm so glad I clicked through; I feel almost like you and I could be twins (dogs, antisocial husband, the trailer thing, and DISHES!). I'll definitely come by more often!

    Good luck with the selling, and the move.

  21. Anonymous9:36 AM

    Dude. I don't even have that many nice things and the thought of someone touching them skeeves me out. (I used to have nice things. Then I had kids. And they broke them all.)

    My kids don't have traditional baby books - they have calendars with all of their milestones written down on the days they happened. When we listed our house in California we used to come home after open houses to find footprint impressions in the carpet right infront of the calendar - people were standing there (for a really long time) looking through it! After the second open house, I took it down.

  22. yeah, i get it. especially after raising 4 kids and some nasty rat dogs.

    and is your kid drooling something blue or am i hallucinating?????

  23. She may be a four-legged, drooling, farting, furniture-destroying machine, but I think I love her.

  24. @Janet--She's totally drooling blue crap. Specifically, a blue Whopper left over from Easter.