Thursday, August 20

Obviously Not a Sponsored Post. Heh.

It's been awhile since The Retail Universe slapped me across the face and screamed, "YOUR BABY ISN'T A BABY ANYMORE." I've been crossing that awful aisle between baby clothes over to the *sob* big girl *sob* clothes for months. However, I've been cheating. Alexis wears almost nothing but Gap clothes, so the Walk of Horror from babies to big girls is pretty much like a walk from the Macy's shoe department to a good ol' fashion shoe store. It's mostly a lot of the same.

Sure, the Gap big girl clothes are cut slightly differently than the baby ones, but they are the same fabric, just less of it. Uh, yeah, the straps on dresses? Get thinner as the sizes get bigger. I SWEAR IT. I'm pretty sure the skirts get shorter, too. Obviously, it makes sense that we should have our kindergarteners dressing like strippers and not our toddlers. Totally makes sense.

Anyway, since fall is quickly approaching, I needed to acquire some new clothes for Alexis. Specifically, I needed to get her some junk clothes that I can send to daycare for her emergency clothing stash. Usually I send old stuff, but a quick look through her long-sleeve/warmer stuff was a big old bust. She has outgrown everything that she was able to wear as spring 2009 faded away. Since old stuff didn't work out, my best option was to head to Wal-Mart.

Shut up.

I know.

I hate it, too, but Wal-Mart does have really, really, really cheap clothes. I don't care about the quality of junk I send to daycare because Alexis almost never ends up wearing those clothes. I only send them as a means of tricking Murphy into thinking we are prepared for any sort of potty/paint/marker/fashion disaster. In a world where my budget for junk clothes is under $10, Wal-Mart fits the bill.

So, Alexis and I walked into Wal-Mart. I instinctively headed for the baby clothes, but quickly realized there wasn't a single thing that would fit her. So we turned and crossed the aisle.

And saw her.

That . . . hussy.

Miley Cyrus.

Apparently Miley Cyrus has partnered with some Max dude and designed a line of "clothing" for little girls.

I say "clothing" because, people, this stuff shouldn't be considered clothing. It's . . . uh . . . scary and stuff. The best part? IT ALL COMES IN SIZES SMALL ENOUGH TO FIT MY THREE-YEAR OLD.

Yes, all of it.

Even this:



Lumberjack plaid isn't just for boys any more. Now even the littlest girl can hack at wood all the live-long day, while donning her girlified plaid in the form of a dress. The only problem is that if you don't want to see the moon while your little lumberjack hacks, you better buy a REAL big size. In order for that sucker to go down to Alexis' knees, she'd need a large. She's three. THREE. She's not even tall for her age.

At least Wal-Mart was a little more honest with this one:



They say it's a shirt. It's definitely a shirt. The weird thing is that I thought that whole plaid thing went to the grave with Kurt Cobain, no? Could it be that Miley is stealing ideas from the 80's and 90's?

Yes.



Yes, she is. If the vest over t-shirt thing isn't proof enough, how about this?



Pick your jaw up off the floor, please and thank you. Yes, those are Cyndi Lauper's pants. Aren't you glad yet another generation will get the chance to marry camel toes with animal prints? Thanks, Miley!

Fortunately, Miley didn't notice that whole pesky stirrup pant thing from around the same era.



Whoops. I guess she did notice them. She didn't realize they were fug, though. They're even more fug now than they were back in the day.

Unfortunately, it gets worse. Much worse. I don't know what kind of wacky tobacky Miley has been smoking, but I'm thinking these pants are her first step in trying to bring the mullet back into play:



Hello, shiny! Best part? They are sold out online. Find the six people who bought them and smack some sense into them, will you?

Alexis and I left Wal-Mart empty-handed. I figure she's better off risking nekkidness in the event of wardrobe emergency than she is dressing like that hussy-making Miley.

Oh, and get off my lawn, you damn kids.

(All photos borrowed from walmart.com. I would have taken some myself, but I didn't feel like getting kicked out for that. Again.)

46 comments:

  1. Someone needs to tell Miley and Wal-Mart that the nasty 80's called and really wants their clothes back. And that we don't want them either. Please? Please, please, please. Holy crap.

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  2. Funny . . . I was just perusing the department store racks (the junior section--don't ask) and the two friends I was with and I were wondering when the 80s came back and why no one told us . . .

    As for Miley, I'm just going to close my eyes and wish for her to go away.

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  3. Those are AWFUL.

    I saw some atrocious clothes at Target tonight... but at least they weren't in the little girl section. WTF? This whole 80's coming back thing is just awful. AWFUL. Have I said AWFUL enough times in this post? AWFUL.

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  4. i want to spork someone. The wal mart clothes buyer. The idiotr who approved this awful shit to get made. OMFG no. i will never ever buy this shit for my kid.

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  5. Long live the 80s! Woohoooooo! I can't wait for the spring line where they blend the girls uniforms from Facts of Life with the clothes from Square Pegs mixed in with a dash of Love Boat uniforms and perhaps a splash of Webster/Silver Spoons just for shits and giggles.

    Now, I can't wait until I can put the boy in authentic, replica John Bender gear for his first day of school 5 years from now!

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  6. I'm pretty sure the first one is supposed to be a long shirt (maybe to be paired with the stirrup pants *shudder*) regardless....

    This is preceisely the reason I shop at consignment stores! I mean, Alex is only (almost) 6 months old, and growing like crazy, but the children's consignment stores don't take junk, so everything is still great looking and have life left in them.

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  7. Oh my gosh. All of that is attrocious! I was just a baby in the 80's/90's but I remember wearing stirrup pants when I was about 5...I would NEVER wear that again. Those people do need some smacking. They are not flattering what so ever, what is Miley thinking?

    I also shop at consignment shops, kids grow too fast and no point in buy brand new cloths when there are perfectly good/super cute ones for $5 :-)

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  8. So does this mean Miley's wares are next to the Olsen twin's fug or in place of it? That must have been an ugly cat fight.

    I *heart* Once Upon a Child for just such reasons.

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  9. OH! MY EYES! MY EYES!!

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  10. I was at WalMart last week and saw those stirrup pants in the womans' section. I actually just stood there for a few moments, and said, OUT LOUD "Good grief"...the woman walking past me just laughed.

    I also do the consignment store gig. Let someone else pay Gap full price, I will happily pay $5 instead! Love Once Upon a Child, lurrvvv The Has Bin. Oh! and the Snugglebug sale is coming up, that is a GOLDMINE!

    I send the hand-me-downs that I hate to daycare, hehe!

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  11. Good Lord...that is just a mess! The only person who would wear that is the crazy lady who got kicked off Project Runway last night for designing a halter diaper:P

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  12. Y'all are crazy with your consignment store business. You have to go shopping with me sometime. I can find cheaper at Gap than you can at Once Upon a Child. True story.

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  13. I knew about the flannel plaid. I didn't know about the stirrups or shiny pants or animal spandex. Sigh. You would think she could look at pictures of her daddy back in the day and figure out the 80's don't need to return.

    And consignment sales are awesome - consignment stores I'm not a big fan of. I think Once Upon A Child smokes crack with their pricing. But I love the sales in the church basement or empty mall store - those rock!

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  14. Oh My God, those are HIDEOUS.

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  15. Why do stirups insist on coming back every decade? Stirrups, you will not fool me like you did in 1992. Not this time. Stay out of my closet.

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  16. is it wrong that i *like* the plaid flannel???

    ok, i'll crawl back into the '80s now.

    the pants and leggings, though? feh.

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  17. HA .. i saw the commercial for that "clothing line" the other day and she is wearing that horrible yellow thing and a frank sinatra-ish hat. she looks homeless.

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  18. Target has those shiny pants, too. Laura pointed them out to me. I said, "Do you see these? These will NEVER happen." And then I knew that I'd completely morphed into my mother.

    Lord, help us all.

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  19. Oh. My. God. I scrolled past the images before I read the article, and I HONESTLY expected the post to be about how you found a box of your hideous clothes from high school in your attic. Hussy isn't "designing" anything - some of those items (the yellow/black number?!) HAVE TO BE exact replicas of garments I wore in 9th grade.

    And I have my MIL to thank for daycare clothes. Every time she buys clothes for Emily, there's AT LEAST one, ass-ugly outfit in the bunch. Usually something with a BIG, printed pattern that makes my petite girl look like a CLOWN.

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  20. Oh. Dear. Lord. I just flashbacked to some of my worst wardrobe moments, like my obsession with wearing ties and vests for a while. Until a waitress at a late-night diner asked me if I'd just gotten off my shift and what restaurant did I work at? Then that put an end to the obsession.

    Oh, and stir-ups? That is all sorts of wrong.

    You grab the pitch forks, I'll grab the torches, meet up at Miley's place?

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  21. hm..that is a whole lot of ugly.
    Have you tried Old Navy? It's like The Gap's dowdier, poorer cousin (I've bought jeans for myself there for $3).
    They seem to have the same fit though...at least in boys. I buy my son's dressier clothes at the Gap and his cheapo playclothes that I KNOW are going to be destroyed at Old Navy.

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  22. Blossom & Six called.
    They want some of their clothes back.

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  23. Reason #352 of why I'm glad I have only boys:

    No one wants to dress like Miley Cyrus. Or those silly Olsen twins. Or Lizzie McGuire. Or any other silly teen girl star that's ever been out there.

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  24. @Lainey--OMG! Blossom! And Six! That's EXACTLY what show Miley was watching when she thought of all those clothes.

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  25. ok. the Circo brand at target is where we do our junk clothes. CHEAP (cheap quality too, but not as bad as WM)

    I refuse to buy clothes at wm. I just feel like EVERYTHING they sell is designed for a quality of people that most of us aren't. It's like they aim for the gutters. I don't get it.

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  26. Shut. Up. Those were horrible! Even the first time around! I second Misty - go with Target's circo line. When my girls were potty training, I bought five pairs of black stretch-y pants at $4 a pop - that way if they wet through an outfit, chances were that the pants might match the shirt (at least enough to get by). They usually have some cheaply made sweatshirts for fairly cheap. They're hideous, but they're cheap. Like, $5 cheap.

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  27. My daughter will never have to suffer stirrup pants. Never. shudder

    If you want Gap stuff you must check out Snugglebugs - it's coming up in a few weeks and they have TONS of Gap stuff..it's a name brand consignment sale and they only take certain brands. It's at Century III mall again. They do it every spring and fall.
    http://www.examiner.com/x-18897-Pittsburgh-Baby--Toddler-Gear-Examiner~y2009m8d5-Pittsburgh-parents-cuddle-up-to-Snuggle-Bugs-name-band-consignment-sale

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  28. I absolutely hated the dreaded stir-up leggings. Add insult to injury I was short then and the damn things never worked right. They just gathered at the bottom of my feet like extra elastic daring me to hang myself with them.

    I've never nor will I ever wear animal prints. Just saying.

    I think I'd rather my kid went nekkid before I tortured her into wearing that stuff. Funny thing is I don't ever remember seeing any of this stuff on Miley. I don't think she would be caught dead wearing this stuff.
    (Hugs)Indigo

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  29. ChickLitLisa4:34 PM

    I applaud you for making it out of there with empty handed! I have said for years that I might have to learn to sew when I finally have kids. So much of what they sell for kids I wouldn't think and adult would wear-except as a groupie looking for some--and I don't mean autographs. the clothes I see on preschoolers sometimes makes my head spin...and I see ALOT of preschoolers!

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  30. I hate that extra clothes bin. There have been seasons when I put new clothes in at the begining of the fall and take them out when she has outgrown them...such a waste. Another vote for Circo brand for Target for cheap basics. Most of Juliana's clothes comes from Children's Place - on sale with a coupon...and the rest are from Kohl's and Target.

    The 80's collection...bringing back some harsh high school memories.

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  31. I am thanking the good Lord that my daughter is old enough for Aero. I threw up a little in my mouth thinking that she could have been wearing that if she were a few years younger. Oh. My. Word.

    Crap. My mouth was open that time.

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  32. OMFG I KNOW! My soon-to-be 14-year-old saw these and said "OOOH" and I immediately snapped "OHHELLZNO"

    Miley's bringing 80's back, ugly mullet-style. BLEH

    Go to Target - much better there. Get some of those $3 shirts and skirts and legging they have on their shelves.

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  33. Two words: Shut. Up.

    I damn near died reading this post. I am quite sure a shudder went through me seeing all of the pictures.

    I hit eBay for a lot of Morgan's stuff. Just got her a HUGE lot of 50 pieces--all Old Navy, Gap, TCP, Carter's for NOTHING!! At least 30 of the pieces had tags still on them and the remaining were worn..uh...I'm guessing a couple of times and that's it. All for $160 including shipping.

    I'll come to The Burgh and we'll hit the Gap. You can teach me how you do it. :)

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  34. IMHO, Wally World and Miley are perfect for each other. Both tacky and dirty. Yeah, that's my 2 cents, which is about what the junk is worth. Can you tell I feel strongly?

    I prefer second-hand stores for A LOT of my kids clothes. They even have stuff from the GAP. ; )

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  35. do they have those in the little girls section, too? both of my girls wear juniors so i hadn't noticed. ugh to the stirrups and double ugh to the liquid leggings. tho i will say, i am a fan of plaid and love the tops. plaid is actually in fashion right now. but hey, be glad that it's not those short shorts she wore while hooching it up at the teen choice awards or that furry whateveritwas. lol

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  36. LMAO!! You had me giggling all through this post!! Although, I think the plaid 'dress' is supposed to have leggings underneath to prevent the moonshine...er...mooning.

    Thank goodness we haven't crossed the aisle yet...hopefully shiny pants will be gone since WalMart is all that fits in this po'girls budget :D

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  37. OMG. My eyes. My EYYYYYESSS! STIRRUP PANTS. No. Freaking. Way.

    I saw one of those fake-tie/vest over the t-shirt numbers in Target the other day. Why do the 80s keep coming back to haunt us? WHY???

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  38. seeing these awful outfits almost makes sense to me at this point, because today I saw not one, not two, but THREE people with mullets.

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  39. Yikes.

    We actually hit up Kmart for our play clothes to send. $4 for a pair of sweats and the same for a long sleeved shirt. Similar for shorts/tshirt to send during warm weather time. Best part is that they're plain (or striped sometimes). Not "trendy" at all. HOORAY!

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  40. Uh, you haven't been to Justice Just for Girls lately then. Because all the same clothes are there as well and they are not endorsed by Miley and they cost $40 for the plaid shirt and $40 for the leggins. I know because I have a 10 year old going to 5th grade and we had to shop for clothes this year since we are going from uniforms to public school ware. Yikes!!

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  41. Okay, I need to add my 2 cents: those 80's colors...yeah, uhm, some of them may be payback.

    I distinctly recall owning several items in colors that there is no way in hell anything EVER is going to match 'em. And, the Howler seems to have an 80's sensibility about fashion.

    And, uhm, she's adorable in that leapord print fedora.

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  42. Shut The Hell UP!!!! Oh my holy tacky-trashtacticness.
    That is beyond AWFUL

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  43. Target.

    And we like our favorite consignment store, Kids to Kids.

    But I did buy 2 pairs of adorable sandels for $2 each at Walmart tonight. :-) Gotta love summer clearance!

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  44. As long as people keep buying that shit for their daughters to wear, they will keep piling it up in the stores. You might as well just send a roll of aluminum foil, and tell the teacher to wrap her in it if she needs a change of clothes. It is shiny, fits skin tight, and it's disposable.

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  45. Gahhhh!!!! You have GOT to be kidding me! That plaid! The vest over a shirt with a printed tie? Nooooo! And stirrups!

    Our cheapo, too conveniently located crap store is Kmart. The big problem there for me is that almost all their clothes have Dora's big face or Disney princess on them, and I'm not into buying clothes with all that marketing on them. I avoid them while she's still too young to notice.

    Oh, and my 2.5 year old is in 4T and 4 clothes! (She's 97% for height.) She's too little for the girls section, isn't she? I'm not ready to shop for her in little girl clothes section!

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