Sunday, September 13

Mary Hurts My Brain

One of the biggest bonuses you get for having a kid is the opportunity to relive some of those things you loved as a kid. One of the biggest drawbacks of having a kid is that sometimes you get the task of reliving some of the things you hated as a kid.

I hated Mary Poppins.

For a long time, I thought I hated Mary Poppins because it was The Choice in flicks for school assemblies when I was growing up. Every year right before Christmas break we would gather in the gym, seated in crisp rows in metal folding chairs, and get the "privilege" of watching that AWFUL movie. But only if we were good. Secretly, I tried every year to do something stupid enough to get banned, but I think the teachers were more determined to get an afternoon without kids than they were to use the movie as a true reward for the kids. Besides, making a kid sit in an uncomfortable, cold metal chair for two and a half hours is obviously punishment enough.

Because I am clearly the least selfish human on earth (ha!), I put aside my hatred for that stupid British nanny and let Alexis watch the movie. It might have been in part to prove my point that she likes musicals in general, and doesn't really demand that she be allowed to watch Hannah Montana and High School Musical all the time. It might have also been in part because it was free on On Demand. Whatever. The point is, I let her watch it.

OMFG.

I hated that movie not just because of the school assembly torture, but also because I have never been stoned while watching it. I don't think it could possibly make any sense unless you are, and in the brief moments when something semi-sensical is going on, it's maddening in a whole other sort of way. Evidence:

1. The father is a totally douchebag. I don't care what year the movie was set in, demanding that your glass of brandy be ready at 6:03 makes you a jerk. The only good thing about the guy being such a poopoobrain is that I got to hear Alexis say, "He's really mean. He shouldn't be mean like that to the mommy." Sing it, sista!

2. Bert (Dick Van Dyke's character) is essentially a homeless, unemployed guy who flits about from job-to-job every day. In what universe is that something to be admired? I think he's totally got a friends with benefits thing going on with Mary, which makes no sense considering how bad his fake accent is in the movie. He attended the Madonna School of Bad English Accents, methinks.

3. I can't hate on Mary herself, to be honest. Julie Andrews was smokin' hot (and not nearly as excessively skinny as the Mary Clones who wander Walt Disney World). Only she could rock pink shoes with a red dress, but did she really have to be soooooo uptight? Puh-leeze.

4. When I watched the scene where Mary and the kids join some old dude in a giggle fit that causes them to float in the air, I fully realized how many drugs the Disney Imagineers/Writers were using back in the 60's. HOLY CRAP. Not only were the writers a few crayons short of a rainbow, they were encouraging nannies everywhere to give The Happy Hallucinogen Juice to the kids.

5. What the frack is with the old guy who acts like he's on a boat when really he's on the roof of a house? I'm serious here, people. I don't understand. Is the guy old and senile and instead of putting him in a home his family decided to build him a "special place" up on the roof? Is he locked up there so he doesn't try to mingle with the sane people on the street? Who thought it was a good idea to give him a working cannon?

Of course, Alexis LOVES the movie. Loves, loves, loves, loves it. I guess that means that I can suffer through more High School Musical and Hannah Montana, or I can torture my brain with Mary Poppins.

At least I know that when the chimney sweep dudes step in time, they can totally wipe the floor with those lame High School Musical boys.

40 comments:

  1. When you can say Supercalifragilisticespialidocious backwards come talk to me. I love me some Mary Poppins I don't care how cracked out the plot is!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mary Poppins was the first movie Master J ever sat through and he LOVED it. I must have watched it at least 100 times with him. The only part that ever bugged me was Dick Van Dyke's horrific accent throughout. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks there was some drug use going on while making it though.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I loved M.P as a kid, because and only because the songs were fun to sing to, and yes, I can say dociouscaliexpilisticfragicalirupus. But that's going a bit too far , don't you think?
    I do agree however about the massive amount of drugs they must have been using when they made that movie.. they were trippin. Loved Mary though. She was my idol. And. Whoa.. That the frick kind of ghosty spider is that on that berry in your pictures? That is hella scary!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i can say it backwards too, but i can't spell it to save my life.

    i think i just liked the idea of a spoonful of sugar.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have never seen it.

    And now I am really really REALLY glad.

    Boo had an obsession with Bedknobs and Broomsticks for a while that nearly damn killed me though.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Post 1000 outdoes every other. I'm laughing my butt off, in fear of waking sleeping patients. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I looove me some Mary Poppins. And it isn't any trippier than Alice in Wonderland, which is another one of my favorites.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love Mary Poppins. It's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang that annoys me. What kids movie should have an intermission built into it???? Of course my son loves CCBB so I get to endure that hell.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I LOVED the book. Like, adored it. Funnily enough, I've never seen the movie. Go figure.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is too funny. I haven't seen it in awhile but you make me want to get it and rip on it too! What about the Sound of Music..THAT'S a GOOD ONE!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous8:07 AM

    Wow, I can't believe anyone didn't love Mary Poppins. That movie was an annual event in our house. It was on TV once a year and my mother would have us all bathed and in PJs early. We would get out the blankets and popcorn and make an event out of it. Great times! Maybe I love it so much because my mother had a voice like Julie Andrews and loved to sing us those silly songs.

    ReplyDelete
  12. 1. It's England in 1960s. Stop trying to understand. It's like trying to figure out the meaning of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Actually, the meaning of the two is probably the same.

    2. I have the Special Edition on DVD if you would like to borrow it. It was my favorite movie when I was little, until it was trumped by The Lion King.

    3. I think we should sing Supercalifragilisticexpialadocious on Friday. Yup. Definitely.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is where we'll have to agree to disagree. Mary Poppins rocks. It's even more fun to watch Micah watching it. That boy can get some serious Stepping In Time moves on.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I knew I was the only person on Earth who wasn't a Mary Poppins fan. I just knew it!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ah, Julie Andrews. She was the star of our "reward" movie in school as well...but it was The Sound of Music. At least that's based on a true story (although I think the dad starts out as a jerk in that one, too).

    I agree that you have to either be stoned...or a 3-year-old to appreciate Mary Poppins. Since I'm a three-year-old-at-heart, I love it. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  16. At least you got folding chairs. We had to sit on the floor. And while that engendered a lot of mucking about with each other, torture is still torture!

    ReplyDelete
  17. i don't mind pary poppins, although i don't go out of my way to watch it.
    one movie that i can't bring myself to watch is the sound of music...does that count?

    ReplyDelete
  18. YES! I am with you 100%! I thought *I* was the only one that wasn't a fan. Granted, I enjoy the musical aspect of it as much as any other musical (I do like musicals in general,) but I just don't get it. Who is this flying chick that just swoops in? Why is the whole movie so quirky, trippy, and nonsensical? Why is the father such a douchebag? Who wrote this stuff? I'm with you all the way.

    With that said, I'll still watch it at my house, b/c my wife loves it, and although she's only seen it one or two times so far, my daughter likes it. And I can handle the music just fine. In fact, I usually will just sit and use the computer while it is on and just enjoy the music as a background to my tasks - I don't really watch it.

    LOVE the picture of Alexis!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I tried to watch that the other day. I used to love Mary. Even Deacon was like "Meh. I'm over this."

    Very sweet picture of Alexis, btw!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Did we go to the same schools! OMG! I had totally forgotten about having to sit through this during assembly. And it DID feel more like torture than anything. I think I finally convinced my mother it was evil (she was overzealous in her beliefs) and added the bonus I can't hear it anyway to get out of it the last time. My daughter never had any desire to watch it and we had the Disney channel - they seemed to play it once a month. (Shivers) I definitely think Disney did a lot of drugs in those days. (Hugs)Indigo

    ReplyDelete
  21. As for Hannah Montana, Skye's gig was the Spice Girls. She had everything they ever put out at one time. (Hugs)Indy

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Indigo--Hannah Montana > Spice Girls. *shudders at the thought of having to endure Spice Girls*

    ReplyDelete
  23. Pretty much anything with Julie Andrews makes me want to scream. I'm pretty much down with the banning in this house. If it drives me nuts its lifespan just ended.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Awwww, I LOVE Mary! I love the trippy-ness of the movie, especially the laughing that makes them float and the cartoon world they go into. Just. Awesome!

    And as an adult, I totally love the song about women's suffrage. I bought the movie myself when I was pregnant with my first child. I can't wait until she is old enough to enjoy it! (I tried a couple months ago, but she's still too young.)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous1:24 PM

    I have never seen MP. It doesn't sound like I am missing much. I always thought, even as a kid, that it looked stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm not a hater or a fan. But, Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory and the Wizard of Oz drive me bonkers!

    What is that umbrella? A fish? A frog? Where did you get it?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh, I LOVE Mary Poppins! Yes, you raise a lot of good points, especially with the Mister. But I like to point out to my kids that when he CHOOSES to be nice and happy, things turn around for them. But pretty soon they'll be old enough to groan at my lecturing and I'll have to stop. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
  28. @Jen--It's a frog. Somewhere the kid has rain boots and a rain jacket that match it. They were Wal-Mart clearance about a year ago.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Sisjake2:51 PM

    Love the picture; but I would keep Alexis off high places (especially a roof) until she learns about cause and effect. When Willie Wonka came out years ago my son haunted the candy shelves looking for a Wonka Bar. They FINALLY began making them but he was over that movie by then...and covering up his messes with newspaper like he saw on the Adam Sandler movie, Big Daddy.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Gee, I never heard of anyone who hated Mary Poppins. It always made perfect sense to me, who knows why. The only part I didn't care for was the rooftop bit, I thought it went on too long.

    For me, it was My Fair Lady that I loathed and despised, even seeing it for the first time as a kid. I remember coming out of the movie theater and saying "that old professor was a jerk, why didn't she just smack him one and leave?"

    Maybe I liked Mary Poppins because it's a great movie set next to My Fair Lady? I think the two came out within a few months of one another.

    ReplyDelete
  31. @Karl--I have never seen My Fair Lady. I bet Alexis would love it, though.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I LOVE Mary Poppins! It is definitely a 'whoa, what were they SMOKING?' kind of a movie, but I still love it. Then again, I wasn't forced to watch it in school as a kid. I think you might be scarred for life from that.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I must admit: I've never seen that movie in its entirety.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Can I borrow your kid? I love that movie and can't get my kids interested in it. Peanut is my last hope. Maybe I should try again. I did recently introduce them to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang again and this time they liked it.

    ReplyDelete
  35. @Debbie Yost--My mom LOVED Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I don't think I ever saw the whole thing, but she had it on all. the. time. The snippets that were the background to about five years of my life were enough for me. Not my kind of movie.

    I'll stick to animated Disney flicks, thankyouverymuch.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Not a fan of Mary Poppins - the middle gets really boring. I don't remember watching it all the way through ever - so I can appreciate the torture of the metal chairs. Talking animals trumps talking humans in the magical World of Disney.

    ReplyDelete
  37. The scene where the chimney sweeps dance on the rooftops - an all time favorite of mine. I LOVE THAT SO MUCH!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Christi11:50 PM

    Ohh.. If she loved Mary Poppins, maybe she might enjoy "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" I always loved that movie. :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Anonymous2:24 PM

    well said...i couldn't stomach it as a kid, can't stomach it as an adult...great to know i am not alone and not the worst mom in the world b/c my kids have never seen it, at least in my presence...yuck.

    ReplyDelete
  40. It's kinda crazy cuz many many of the kids' movies that I watch now make me wonder why my mother ever let me watch them. Like Annie...sweet & innocent, right? Nope...an abusive sex-crazed alcoholic that runs an orphanage. How is that appropriate for children?? But I have to admit, I love it anyway.

    ReplyDelete