Wednesday, December 2

I'm Not Even Sure That it IS a Bunny

It was never supposed to enter our house in the first place.

About a year ago, Madame Queen ran a contest for a stuffed animal. Somewhere in the contest description it said that the stuffed animal was over two feet tall so I immediately knew I wanted nothing to do with anything. I said as much in the comments of the post and then promptly learned two very important lessons: 1) Madame Queen is entirely too nice. 2) You should never touch a contest post unless you are OK with winning a stuffed animal that is taller than Vern Troyer.

OF COURSE I won.

I begged Madame Queen to just not send the crazy thing, but she's not a very good listener when it comes to things that she doesn't want at her house either. It showed up on our doorstep.

It took me 0.000005 seconds to realize that objects that sound large on the internet are even larger in person. The thing is bigger than your average four-year old. It needed to get the heck out of our tiny townhouse, and quick. I loaded it into a bag and headed out to the car to make a run to Goodwill.

I was stopped in my tracks by Mr. Husband. Apparently he had an affinity for the crazy orange thing. He harassed and pleaded and argued until I finally rolled my eyes and took it back into the house.

I waited. I watched. No one paid any attention to the Too Big for Our House stuffed creature.

I let a few months go by and then decided I would only half get rid of it. I stuck it in a bag and tossed it into the garage, along with some other things that needed taken to Goodwill. Somehow, someway, the darn thing broke out of the bag, walked up two flights of stairs, and hid next to Mr. Husband's side of the bed.

Getting rid of the thing became a mission. Over and over I made it disappear. Over and over it reappeared. When we started preparing to move this summer, I even went so far as to shove the thing in with a box of trash. It still found its way to the new house.

The new house has more than enough space for obnoxious-sized stuffed animals, so I tossed it into the playroom. I was curious if a certain short person would play with it, so I made sure to place it in plain view.

She never once touched it. She didn't even glance at the thing.

So when it came time to load up the car to take toys to Stuff-a-Bus, I again started eying the giant stuffed animal. It really was in absolutely new condition as it had never once been the cause of a child's laughter. I waited patiently for sounds that indicated that all of the humans in the house were busy and then I quickly shoved the thing in a bag and drug it out to the car. Only, Mr. Husband had locked the doors to the SUV. My eyes darted to and fro. I fully expected someone to catch me sneaking it out, so I frantically shoved the bag under the vehicle.

The plan was for me to run out to Stuff-A-Bus by myself.

The best laid plans always fail.

As my departure time neared, it became clear that Alexis was in A Mood. A Very, Very Bad Mood. She was in the kind of mood that dictates that I bear the brunt of her terroristic ways if I want to be able to return to a house rather than a pile of ashes and smoke. There was absolutely no way I could leave her with Mr. Husband. As I drug the miserable kid to the car, I knew I was about to get my face ripped off.

I was right.

The second Alexis spotted it shoved under the vehicle, she started bawling.

"My bunnnnnnnyyyyyy. I want my bunnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyy. The kids can't have my bunnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy. I want my bunnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy."

On and on. For a full half hour, the kid acted like I was tossing her favorite toy into a vat of acid and then smashing its remains with a sledgehammer. Her favorite toy that she had never played with.

The only way to get the kid to quit with the Category 10.5 meltdown was to promise that the bunny would go back home with us. When we pulled into the Stuff-a-Bus parking area, Alexis watched carefully to make sure I kept my word. The stuffed animal went into the front seat.

I was ticked. I REALLY wanted to get rid of the thing.

As we made the trek back to our house, I started plotting the stuffed animal's future. I figured Alexis would at least require that I return it to her playroom, so I would have to wait for another day to kill it.

(Yes, kill it. I'm no longer happy with getting rid of it. Now I want it dead. Well, as dead as an inanimate object can be, anyway.)

I'm cute when I'm crazy, and I was very crazy to think that Alexis would even care what I did with my enemy. Alexis ran into the house without so much as a glance to see if I would haul the thing into the house. I stood in the driveway glaring at it before finally dragging it inside and throwing it into the storage room in our basement.

Two days later, Alexis has not asked for it. Not even once.

I'm torn between giving the thing a bath in bacon grease and leaving it on the floor for the dogs, or saving it so that Alexis can have a date for prom.

I hate that damn thing.

39 comments:

  1. Dude. That thing is hideous. Open a seam, hide a squeaker and some dog treats and let them have at it.

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  2. when i finally got to the photo i laughed so hard that i think i hurt myself. that is some bunny.

    and yes, i am still laughing at your housemate. totally laughing at you. yep, i am.

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  3. If you tear out all the stuffing it can be her Halloween costume next year. OR you can stick it out in the field - I'm sure someone will shoot it. Pretty sure I saw that thing in the kid's room in Poltergeist.

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  4. It just looks like it's thinking things... What an evil presence...

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  5. lmao - I think you and that bunny have some kind of strange, intertwined karma.

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  6. How did I not notice this at your house?

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  7. hideous was the first word that came to my mind as well. Oh my...I have two stuffy killing boston terriers if you want to outsource the job.

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  8. Oh my GOD that is HUGE! Girl, the family needs to go on a trip to Chuck E Cheese without you and that bunny needs a trip to the TRASH! Like, a big, big dumpster in the city. You should wear a trench coat, though. Just to keep it completely secretive...

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  9. @Jennifer--I don't know because it has been sitting in the chair in there since we moved. At one point someone set it on the floor between the chair and the bouncy castle thing, but still. It's the very first thing I see when I walk in the room. Every time.

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  10. thanks for brightening my morning...funny how the little people always "care" about something at the most inopportune times!

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  11. I'm the one who coordinated those contests with everyone for Ty's Toy Box, so I feel like I should apologize. It really is a Monstrous Miffy, sort of like Miffyzilla.

    Someone in my local area who won one (or maybe Madame Queen herself?) took it to Goodwill, and it was then adopted by my neighborhood coffee shop. She takes up an entire chair. I see people talking about her and toddlers poking her every time I go, and it always makes me giggle.

    This, of course, does not solve your problem. I say put her in your trunk under cover of darkness, and then drop her off the next time Alexis isn't with you. And if she asks, feign ignorance. "Well, where did you see her last, honey?" Etc. ;)

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  12. Ha! That bunny is awesome! (NOT THAT AWESOME, IT BETTER NEVER STEP FOOT INTO MY HOUSE.)

    I like the bacon grease idea, or @JamesBainbridge's idea for dumping the stuffing and using it as a costume. (Wouldn't that be scary? Seeing that thing walking around? Yikes!)

    Good luck. That's all I can really say.

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  13. That is freaky. I hate stuffed animals. They weird me out.

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  14. The picture is the best part.

    I can't decide if it's hideous or adorable. But you know me... I like cute and evil all wrapped into one horrible package.

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  15. I was a stuffed animla junkie as a child. Also - I have always been lucky. Which means I came home from many a carnvial and amusement park with 3-foot tall stuffed critters, and 10 foot long stuffed pink fuzzy snamkes. My mom and grandma can definitely feel your pain.

    I had one dog - almost 4 feet tall - blue and pink and fluffy (named Puffy, of course), and I would comb its hair every day woith my electric comb (remember those? Probably not - you're not old like me). My Gram tried many times to get rid of Puffy, but like you, she was thwarted again and again by me and my doting Gramps. She finally managed to get rid of it when I went to college. I gave her some (good natured) grief over that.

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  16. LMAO - I say hold a contest and give it away to some other unsuspecting schmuck.

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  17. If that thing was in my house, my dogs would have molested it by now. No stuffed animal is safe.....

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  18. OMG! That's like, Hello Kitty's friend - isn't that My Melody? Or one of their other friends? So cute...haha... okay, you must hate me now... maybe it would be cuter if it wasn't so big, right? And of course you can't get rid of it! And of course your daughter wanted it as soon as you were going to give it away... I hate when that happens!!!

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  19. I'm sorry. That's all I can say. In my defense though, you were SUPPOSED to give her away right away. This is really all Mr. Husband's fault. :)

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  20. Is there ever a day when Alexis is at daycare and you're at home alone? That is the day you make a special trip to the dumpster FAR FAR away from your house and rid yourself of this thing.

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  21. @Madame Queen--It really, really is all his fault. He's the one that kept saving her early on.

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  22. Now that @Mir has reminded me that Evil Bunny is actually named Miffy, I also remembered that Miffy has a TV show on PBS. It's right up there with Dora.

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  23. Is that Hello Kitty's cousin or something?

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  24. Anonymous11:12 AM

    Oh no! I loved your post and was all ready to snarkle over the bunny from hell, but that is Miffy! Loved and adored by all European children everywhere! All of my son's Dutch relatives sent him Miffy stuff when he was a baby, and when he was two he met a giant Miffy character at the children's museum and was utterly beside himself.

    It's huge, it's hideous orange, but it's MIFFY! A MIFFYZILLA!

    I'm totally in your husband's camp on this one. You must keep Miffyzilla. That is fabulous.

    - Krissy Poopyhands

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  25. @Krissy--SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS! You can have Miffyzilla!

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  26. I completely agree with Michelle - that was my first thought, "pay it forward." You should totally hold a contest in the tradition of Madame Queen's.

    Although, the costume idea is also brilliant -not to mention the fabulous pictures it would make!!! Maybe you should take a vote from your readers to decide the bunny's fate...

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  27. Anonymous11:21 AM

    I totally think you should keep it, or offer up the internets a chance to decide its fate, (particluarly if amusing stuffed-animal dismemberment is involved), but my email is Kbee42@gmail.com if you are serious about wanting to send it on.

    My husband, The Troublemaker, and I are talking about trying for kid number two, and I think that it's hard to think of a better cosmic omen than a giant, orange Miffy.

    - KP

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  28. Anonymous11:22 AM

    PS - Please do not judge me by my off-the-cuff spelling of "particularly".

    Please do not particullarroony judge me.

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  29. I can't say a word. I originally published this with "infinity" instead of "affinity." Holy not the same thing, Batman.

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  30. That. Is one of the butt ugliest creatures I've ever seen. And no, you can't have my address.

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  31. when you told me the story of that thing on Monday, I had NO idea how truly hideous it is. I'm glad A hasn't asked for it since. Ew.

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  32. sisjake12:21 PM

    I believe you have a possessed bunny. Not quite the same as the possessed child who absolutely insisted we drive five hours home from Ohio with a five foot purple bull tied to our roof that they won at the family reunion. For weeks (until I snuck it into the attic) we had purple fake fur coating everything in the house. Fortunately, some hapless individual was probably convinced to purchase it by another possessed child after I donated it to Goodwill.

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  33. I was not expecting that kind of ugliness! I have the same issue, but in my case it is the hideous Christmas creations my mil makes us every stinkin year. Imagine a normal wreath. Now add 8 white doves, some cheap plastic berries, glitter, and lace. It's hard to "accidentally" lose something as big as a wreath, but I did make a ton of the smaller stuff "get lost" in the move.

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  34. If Krissy doesn't own up to have an address of any kind, you really do have to host a contest. Or...you could just mail it back to Madame Queen. (Sorry, dear!!)

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  35. I'm pretty sure that stuffed animals reproduce all by themselves (based on the fact that the number we have seems to INCREASE even though I routinely donate ours to Goodwill). I suggest getting it out. FAST. Like, before it finds a Dora doll that it likes and they make you a mountain of stuffies...

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  36. And that is exactly why I try so hard not to comment on contest posts! We have had a few stuffed animals around here that have run away on a random Tuesday night. It can only be considered an odd coicidence that our trash pick-up is first thing Wednesday morning.

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  37. HOLY HUGE BUNNY! That guy would fill up a whole toys for tot bin...

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  38. I'm 27 and I'm actually *scared* of that "bunny." As in, I'll probably be having nightmares about it. Thanks. ;)

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  39. That bunny is almost as scary as those doll websites you used to look at.

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