Saturday, November 3

I Think She Even Stole the Title for this Post

It's a fact that all parents know; children will make you lose your mind. It starts the first night home from the hospital. You realize that they really didn't give you an instruction manual, you have no idea what to do, and HOLY HECK it wasn't a lie that babies wake up every three hours. The fearful sleep deprivation quickly sinks you to depths you never knew were possible.

Later, they suck a little more of your brain out by just being too damn cute for their own good. You find yourself enthralled by simple things like how adorable it is when they hold a rattle all by themselves for the very first time, because surely no other human being has ever before managed such an amazing feat. They drive you absolutely senseless what with their smiles and coos and giggles. You are fully aware that you are being sucked in, but it's worth it.

Throughout these early stages of insanity, you are pretty sure you are just a few moments of alone time away from regaining clarity. But then comes the worst stage of all. It's the stage where you decide that you truly have lost your mind because YOU CAN'T FIND ANYTHING ANYMORE. That camera you could swear you left on the dresser? Obviously you are mistaken because it's not there. You walk over the table where you set down the TV remote, only to think you must have left it elsewhere. You scour the house for your iPod because you just know you brought it in the house, but aren't sure where you put it.

Then it hits you. You live with a thief. A very short, very cute, very sly thief. You figure that it won't be that hard to find the missing items. After all, the thief is short. There aren't a lot of places below their four foot reach where they can hide things. But then weeks go by without any sign of the really invisible stick of deodorant. You have no idea where the thief is stashing things. Suddenly your house seems ten times it's size and the little pocket of space that's holding your prized possessions could be anywhere. It's the proverbial needle in a haystack.

For me, this morning it was the literal knitting needle in a haystack. The sweater that I have so lovingly been working on for the past few weeks is sitting stagnant on a needle, unable to move towards completion because--hello--you need two needles to knit. And needle number two is nowhere to be found. To complicate the situation, Alexis is fully capable of travelling up and down the stairs. So it's not like the needle's current hiding place can in any way be narrowed down. It might still be in the bedroom. But it could also be jammed under couch cushions, stashed in the trash can, buried below the bathroom sink, being used to dismantle Alexis' crib. For all I know, Alexis might have fed it to Meg.

I have tried asking Alexis where she hid it. In the past, she has led me to CDs that she's ripped from their players, bananas that I know she can't have eaten quite that quickly, and various other objects. But she's not budging on the whereabouts of that knitting needle. So I'll buy another pair, knowing full well that the odd number will drive me further down into the crazy abyss.

I am currently missing a knitting needle, a white gold necklace, an iPod case, the top to a mini chopper, a tube of Chapstick, one puppy puzzle piece, and my mind. If you have see them anywhere, please let me know.


  1. Come on, she's too cute and innocent to do those things. ;)

    Micah lost the TV remote in less than 30 seconds one night. We were there, we got a drink, it was gone. Just gone.

  2. We just ordered the back piece for one of our remotes because it has disappeared into the black hole of Dylandom. I just know it will turn up once we get the new one. Also, can an 11 month old actually swallow a dime, because I swear there was a dime on the end table! Surely our sanity will return at some point, right? Right? What was I talking about?

  3. Oh wow. I'd love to help but if you can keep a LIST of all the things you've lost you're way ahead of me.

    And no, as the mother of three older kids, it get WORSE not better. Sorry!

  4. okay, first of all - CREEPY! I just printed out three piglet and pooh pictures for the girls to color today.

    Secondly, check the vegetable bin. That's where my girls hide E.VERY.THING.

  5. Karen--I think 30 seconds might be some sort of record. Micah deserves an award!

    Jen--We will never be sane again. You might as well face it. And I would bet a whole quarter that he ate the dime.

    Leanne--I've already realized my list is less than half complete. My husband has since told me about the dozens of items he's missing. I don't actually know something of mine is missing until I need it. Or find it's remains scattered in some random location. Whichever comes first.

    Loren--See, that's the problem. I can't find her stash. I know there has to be a place she's putting all this stuff. It's not her little kitchen because that's where all the food she's saving for later is stored. Because, you know, that smashed up brown banana might be tasty in three or four hours. It took me three days of having the house reek of dead animal before I found her stash of meals gone by. Now I check it three times daily.

  6. Boy, do I lnow that feeling! Except in my case there are two! And they are sneaky. I swear they have developed some sort of code to mess with my already fragile mind.

    Toddlers. The nuttiness just keeps on coming.

  7. Leanne is right. It only gets worse as they get older. And it's important things, too. The telephone, the cell phone, the entire contents of your refrigerator, your money (you had money, right?!)...

  8. So cute - this post. And that last paragraph was perfect! See ya.

  9. But just think how cool it's going to be when you do find her stash. Like Christmas, only no unwrapping. :-)

    But seriously, E is already shoving things under the couch and leaving me wondering whys she has so few toys after a couple of days. Ah, you and your glimpses into my future.

  10. I'm going to remain in my happy little imaginary world where the thievery won't get any worse. She's already made off with my cell phone and credit cards numerous times so I'm just going to pretend that it can't get any worse ;-)

  11. You knit? You didn't tell me that. I'm in lustage with you all the more.