Saturday, December 15

The Naked Toddler Zone

You unlock this door with the key of independence. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of cold. A dimension of puddles. A dimension of Mind. You are moving into a land of both clothing and skin; of nudity and ideas. You are moving into . . . The Naked Toddler Zone.

This morning, 9:00 am. Amid the hustle and bustle of showers and ESPN, the Toddler played happily with crayons and kitchens, babies and pianos. A shining example of good behavior. Then . . . something happened that changed all that.

What started as a fleeting idea soon became a morning-long commitment. With a slow stripping of the pajamas and a fling of the diaper, she became . . . The Naked Toddler. Strutting her stuff before Elmo and God, she fervently refused all offers of clothing. No diaper was good enough, no pants would suffice, she was devoted to her commitment to earn her way into a nudist colony.

She concocted recipes with a clang of her pots and a stir of her spoon. Never before had her kitchen played host to so much skin. Onward she moved towards her piles of books. With a quack, quack here and a moo, moo there, she chewed through cherished literature with nary a thread. Forward she strolled for a walk down Sesame Street, all her goods proudly on display. The Toddler persisted, Zoe blushed, the parents fussed.

A sincere congratulations to the parents who have survived, and a friendly word of warning; something you won't find in any parenting book. The next time you think you've gone beyond the typical phase and you've given in to the urge to tease your Toddler-having friends, know to keep you mouth shut, or you just may find yourself entering The Naked Toddler Zone.

(Photos exist, but you're not getting them. And yes, I have seen the intro movie to Disney's Twilight Zone Tower of Terror a few thousand times.)


  1. Oh, what a fun stage. We once had a child walk into a room where we were entertaining a guest, (single male, no less) rip open her velcro body suit, and step out of it as she was tossing her diaper aside. I'm not sure that man is married to this day.

    We've had to duck tape diapers closed already, and put PJs on backwards (non-footed variety). Desperate times call for desperate measures.

    And for the record, it's absolutely hysterical when it's not happening to you.

  2. I'm seriously rolling on the floor laughing at this! I can't believe the time you put into this to make it fit! You crack me up!

    I remember the Naked Toddler Stage! Clothes with lots of buttons and things of the sort helped some...but mostly, patience (or a good drink!) until the novelty of it wore off.

  3. Ashlee10:44 PM

    I am SO glad that Jordan's over that phase... it took long enough! ha ha But now I get to experience it all over again with Tyler. Let's just hope that neither of them show us their clothing removal skills for Christmas! :)

  4. Oh, fun, fun. Lillie has always had a problem with not keeping her diaper and clothes on during nap time, but Zach (my oldest) has never had a problem leaving his clothes on....

    Maybe it's a girl thing?

  5. Anonymous12:20 AM

    Oh, how well I remember that phase. And I agree with Karen - it is hysterical when it is someone else's kid! Thank goodness Cooper hit this phase in the middle of winter - he wore a onesie under everything (though it rarely detered him - all it did was slow him down.) On the upside, Miss Alexis is shunning society pressures and is thrilled with her body. I know, not a big help.

  6. We honestly never had this problem with our boys. They went the opposite direction, and had to have clothes on at all times. Neither of them would even wear shorts in the summer until 4th grade.

    However, I am NOT sorry we missed that stage. ;)

  7. Oh god, how old is Alexis? How long 'til I go through that stage myself?

    We have been having issues getting the nappy and pants back on after a nappy change. Thank goodness it is summer.

  8. Hahahahhhaaha! That is hilarious. Not the fact that she's doing it, but how you wrote about it.

    We've never hit this stage full on -- and here's several fingers crossed hoping we don't!! But we do catch glimpses of it occasionally after bath time.

  9. Well, since you read my posts, you know that Dylan and I will happily point her towards the nearest nudist's colony, where we are trying to become members. I really hope for your sake, that she doesn't decide to be Naked Toddler at the grocery store, bank, or library.

  10. Those pictures are fodder for the da da da da "teenager phase," when she steps out of line you say, "Does your boyfriend need to see you strutting your stuff??"

    Are you starting Ben today? I really had a hard time deciding, but I benched him. And, I'll probably regret it.

  11. My toddler takes his pull-up off in bed at night and then pees in the bed. Why he won't just tell me he has to pee is beyond me.

  12. Given that Alexis loves clothes, and I do mean LOVES clothes, I am hoping this was a one time trip to the nudist colony. Fingers crossed.

    Karen--It's funny even when it's you. Well, that is it's funny when no one else is around to see it.

    Pam--It might have taken me two minutes to do. I can recite the Tower of Terror intro at the drop of a hat and kept thinking about it every time I walked into the room where the naked one was, literally, hanging out.

    Ashlee--I'm glad Jordan outgrew it, too! I do believe a solid year went by without me seeing a single photo of him wearing clothes. I had actually started to ask Mom if he ever wore clothes!

    Driving with the Brakes On--You would think the freezing cold temps would deter them. Guess not.

    Sports Mama--Consider yourselves lucky!

    Veronica--The post diaper (or nappy, if you must) change fights will end. And just when you start to enjoy easy diaper changes, some new annoying stage will come marching along. Hooray for toddlers!

    Madame Queen--I'm sending good (fully dressed) vibes your way. I hope you are able to avoid it!

    Jen--So far, so good on the keeping clothes on in public thing. If she does go for the public nudity thing, we might have to start meeting to do our grocery shopping. Surely two naked toddlers would be less shocking than just one. Right?

    AFF--I'm saving the photos for just that reason. Blackmail is fun.

    I have Romo, so I'm riding him until the sun sets. While I'm at it, I'm pretending I have no idea what Ben did today. Was there a even a game? I don't remember. Selective amnesia ROCKS.

    Tammy--Now that's annoying. Typical man though, taking his pants off at all the wrong times. ;-)

  13. Morgan Leigh--Definately not a girl thing. See Ashlee's comment. I can confirm that the boy pretty much didn't wear clothes for a solid year. Not that I saw anyway!

  14. ah...we used to have naked time every evening after dinner...even at other people's houses. Gavin would ask "naked time?" and we'd say yes or no. Thankfully, he always kept his diaper on...but still pretty funny to see a skinny big-bellied squirt of a kid struttin' around like a gorilla in only a diaper in the middle of winter!

  15. We have been living in this zone for several years now. We can see I light at the end of the tunnel.