Friday, February 15

The Mother Trucking Worms

It probably comes to no surprise to those that know me that I have a bit of OCD. Nothing that interferes with life (much), and therefore requires meds, but woo boy! if I get fixated on something, I stay fixated on that something.

Remember the worms? Uh huh. I'm totally OCDing over those bad mother truckers. It's reaching such epic proportions that I expect to see some little guys carrying a white jacket any minute now. They're coming to take me away, hee hee, haw haw. They better bring a pair of tweezers with them, though, because I could use some help with the mother. trucking. worms.

After reading the first post about my good buds The Worms (they deserve capital letters, don't you think?), Mr. Husband promptly said, "You, woman with Spanish Translation degree, leave worms to big manly Zoology degree having man." And a day or two went by and big manly Zoology man didn't seem to be doing a whole lot about The Worms. So I inquired and learned that he planned to voyage to Petco and buy a worm trap.

Screeeeeeeech! (That's the sound of me slamming the breaks on that idea.)

There was NO WAY I was giving Petco money for a trap for some stupid Worms. We already give various pet stores more money for dog and cat food than we do the grocery store for Real People Food. No way, nuh uh, not happening. I consulted Mr. Google and asked him, "Oh wise, Mr. Google, what should we do?" He first scoffed at the worm trap idea saying, "Truly, woman is wise to stop man from wasting money on worthless traps." Then he told me to get out a pair of tweezers and start catching me some Worms.

So, I ventured to the store to buy rubber gloves (you didn't think I was going to stick my bare hands in that tank, did you?) and some tweezers. While I was at it, I bought myself a lovely new pair of tweezers to replace the ones a certain short, perky Toddler seemed to have stolen. Of course, when I returned home and whipped out those bad boys to clean up the caterpillar on my forehead, the Toddler was all, "OOOOH! That's what you've been asking me to find. Here they are!" and promptly dug my old tweezers out of her toy box.

Anyway, after the caterpillar was tamed and separated into two equal parts, I donned my gloves, snagged my new craptastic tweezers (which I fully intend to melt down and sell as scrap metal at this end of this little project, btw), and set out to hunt me down some worms. On my first trip in, I found myself five of the little buggers hiding out under a piece of coral. They should be floating past Damama's house right about now. The next night, I found three more in the exact same place. It was like shooting monkeys in a barrel, they just kept going back to the easy hunting ground.

I don't know if The Worms got smarter or if I got dumber, but I stopped finding any on the coral by the fourth night. I can't say that I was totally surprised, since it seemed like a stupid place to hang out anyway. There's ten pounds of live rock in that tank, meaning there are ten pounds of rocks with lots of holes and caves and cracks and crevices for nasty little worm-types to hang out in. Why sleep in the nasty, crowded hostel when there's a Four Seasons just up the road, right? I'm pretty sure The Worms came into this world in those rocks, so it is my job to rip them from their warm, cozy rooms at the Four Seasons and flush them down the toilet to Worm hell.

The Worms don't like light, so on day five, I waited until the sun had set, moved the tank light off to the side, and set out to do some nighttime hunting. Right away I spotted a ugly little head poking it's way out of a decent-sized cave. So I lunged my gloved hand in and tried to smash it's brains in pull it gently from it's hiding place. Of course it knew I was coming (felt it? heard it? I don't know), and dived back into it's hole. I waited patiently, tweezers at the ready, for it to poke it's way back out again.

Snap. And miss.

Snap. And miss.

Snap. And miss.

By this point, I was starting to get a little cranky. So I brought out the big guns--I hooked some fish food onto the end of the tweezers. I know for a fact The Worms are having trouble finding things to eat. That's the only reason I know they are in there. If they were totally happy in the tank, I wouldn't ever see one. I hung the food out in front of the cave and waited. And waited. And waited. Then a jerkface bug came lunging out and stole the freakin' food from me. Seriously--I didn't even see it coming because I was too busy waiting for a stupid Worm. It was like when you play dodgeball and you're gunning for the big kid. There's a ball just sitting halfway between you and him, and you're in a staredown with him, shuffling back and forth, just trying to get a mental edge before you swoop in, grab the ball, and kick his butt. But before you can, the stupid little nerd kid comes flying out of nowhere, grabs the ball, and kicks YOUR butt. It was JUST LIKE THAT. Stupid bug.

So, my little game of chicken went on and on. I'm sure fifty other worms went for a stroll, had a nice candlelight dinner, and tucked their kids in for the night while I was fixated on that one stupid Worm. Fourty-five minutes passed before I finally gave up for the night.

I haven't been back since. But I have spent a whole lot of waking moments trying to think of a new plan of attack. I AM going to get me some Worms. I guarantee it.

27 comments:

  1. Okay, first of all I may have to start using the phrase Mother Trucker because that is just flat-out hysterical. Not in front of the kids of course. Then I'd have to 'splain it.

    Good luck with the worms. I'm still all for getting a worm-eating fish and throwing in there for a few days. Do whatever you need to with the fish afterwards. Better you than me with that problem. I still get creeped out thinking about it.

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  2. This whole thing is just freaking me out! Dump it all I say! Dump it ALL! Start anew.

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  3. I can't start anew. There is far too much money invested in corals and fishies and rocks and such.

    It's me or the worms. And I ain't leaving.

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  4. ew. ew. ew. is there a bird you can borrow that will scoop fiesty worms out of the tank?

    and that reminds me that I need to tame my own caterpillars as well...thankfully have two, but they're fat and scary...and I will probably need to invest in some professional help to get me back on the straight-and-narrow. Plus, I'm a glutton for some punishment from those Asian ladies at the nail shop--nothing like the owner's wife taking one look at me, "you need eyebrow wax? yes? ok. you nails look like crap, too. bet you need pedicure. sit down there...no, in CENTA chair!" yes, good times.

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  5. And that's why there will never be a salt water tank in this house. Too much investment to play around with. Now with mine, you bring some crap home from the pet store, it kills all your fish, you bleach the heck outta that tank and you're good to go for the next round.

    However, a lot of fish stores will take back a fish within a certain amount of time. I say you get a worm-eater, watch the wormie massacre, and then take your full and happy fish back to the store.

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  6. angela2:07 AM

    As always, reading your posts brighten up my day. Good luck with the worms ;)

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  7. Eeeewwww! Okay, you just reminded me why I don't have a fish tank! I guess I missed the part where you explained where the worms came from. Did you say they hatched out of some coral you bought? As you can see, I don't know anything about salt water tanks! My BIL had one once and he bought a puffer fish. The damn thing systematically devoured every other fish in the tank, and as you said, they are rather expensive.

    So, I'm curious,..what does little Alexis think of Mommy trying to catch little worms with her eyebrow tweezers? :) Laughing just thinking about it!

    Lizzy

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  8. The mental image of you in rubber gloves and holding a tweezer- stalking some worm - up, that makes me giggle! I'm so grossed out by your worm issue, but I'm a sissy! You go kick some mother trucking (he he he) worm butts!!

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  9. Mother trucker is FUNNNNNY! And, I could totally steal this phrase and not worry about Morgan dropping the f bomb (yes, it slips now and then).

    The rest of this post? HAHA! I laughed. Out loud. This is SO something that I'd do....

    I was going to say chuck it and start again, but then read your follow up comment that there's too much money invested in it.

    So? I have nothing. Sorry.

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  10. I'd just buy something to eat the worms...preferrably something that tastes good steamed? do shrimp or lobsters eat the worms??? Or if you know a really excellent sushi chef, puffer fish???
    Puffers are touchy anyway...our GSP, "Fugo" (yes, I named him after pufferfish sushi) freaked out so often he eventually just croaked on its own.

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  11. I'm still laughing at "Mother Trucker!"

    My money is on you and not the worms! Good luck.

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  12. One word: Chlorine! Fry those bastard mother truckers. Or if you can't start over, can you take Mr. Husband and his zoology degree and dangle his hand in as bait? In retribution for all his truck talking last night?

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  13. Mr. Husband actually had the nerve to laugh at my repeated attempts to catch me some worms. He claims he could get them, but since the tank is so small (it's only five gallons), he can't fit his hand in there.

    Guess who just ordered a new (bigger) tank. Oh yeah, baby. There's gonna be a moving party, and The Worms will be staying in Wormville.

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  14. There is NO WAY I could do that because the worms would remind me too much of snakes. When I was in college I got a little fish tank and put one of the black and yellow striped worm looking things that are scavengers. I tried to clean the tank one time and I couldn't catch that little sucker because it was like a snake. That was with a net! Using tweezers! Eeewww!!!!!

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  15. Where do you come up with your expressions? I'm embarassed to say when I read the title I had no idea what you were talking about. Good luck with that. Oh, and about the job question, there is a lot going on right now. I'll tell you about it soon. And yes, that is why I had to switch the bracelet.

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  16. Just eeeewwww. I give you credit. There's no way I'd put my hand in there. Gloved or not. With tiny tweezers, squinting in the dark. Good luck.

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  17. Oy, I'm pretty sure I would just have to toss the live rock...worms and bugs in my tank would FREAK ME OUT. But then I take meds for my OCD ;)

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  18. Thank God for a new tank. May the worms rest in peace when you get it! Ick!

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  19. Hysterical! You make me laugh so much! :-)

    And you holding food on a tweezer and waiting to try and catch the little mother trucker? Sounds awful similar to a trap... I'm just saying...

    Also, my hubby used to always say mother trucker! I think it's so funny.

    Good luck with the new tank!

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  20. I'm with Karen - worm eating fish. Just rent one for a week or two.

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  21. Good luck with the worms!!!

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  22. I am skeeved out just reading about it.

    And thanks. Now I have stupid Dumb and Dumber lines running through my head because after being skeeved the idea of you having worms immediately took me to LLoyd Christmas' idea for a shop name...I Got Worms. I know. I'm an idiot. Whatever.

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  23. Ewww...woorms! They are sooo gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Some people say they are good for the environment but I say gross. Anything that can be cut in half yet still wiggle around is just plain disgusting. :-) Of course, my hubby says anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die is suspect too...but, whatever.

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  24. OK...the comment from Bryan is not from Bryan it is from jonny's mommy...my brother was logged in on my parents' computer so when i went to comment his name popped on and now I look like a dork ... and my brother is very happy to have commented on a mommy blog...:-)

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  25. Get those worms!! Ew, but don't get THOSE worms.

    I've gone somewhere else completely with this.

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  26. so... i innocently check in with your blog after the weekend of the sicks in my house... and you're talking about catching WORMS. ew ew ew ew ew.

    not even with gloves and a tweezers, honey. not even.

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  27. OH MY LORD! I've been trying to catch up on your blog. The 8/8/08 Fishtank update has me going back and reading things I didn't even know I missed. I'm laughing so hard I almost woke hubby up! This whole worm/fish/tank saga should be put into a book. Maybe you'd finally get some of your money back from Petco! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!

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