Wednesday, February 6

Silly Billy Burgh Answers All Questions

It is time, peeps, to get answers to all of your burning questions. I have tracked Google searches that land on burghbaby.com and found that there is much the world would like to know. Allow me to assist in any way that I can:

Toddler takes off clothes and pees in bed -- I'm sorry, really. I just have no idea why you are here, because my Toddler would never do such a thing. *Knocks frantically on wood.*

Baby recipe evening -- You should only eat babies in the wee hours of the morning. It's a fact.

Motown pizza -- The Burgh has spoken and said that Motown pizza put the "uck" in suck. Buh-bye, so long, see ya', it is closed. If you are looking to rent that space, I suggest you open up a Jumba Juice, Baskin Robbins, Dunkin' Donuts, or Donato's. I'll give you a big wet kiss on the lips if you make it a Jumba Juice.

How to stop Toddler from running away -- I cannot help you with that one. But if you figure it out, could you come back and share some of your newfound genius?

Naked toddlers -- If there is anything that I have learned from this blog, it is that a whole lot of people are hunkered down using Google to hunt for photos of naked toddlers. Now, this I can help with. Here are your instructions, should you desire naked boy toddler photos, naked toddler photos, nude toddlers, etc.:
1. Pick up the phone.
2. Dial 9.
3. Dial 1.
4. Dial 1.
5. Wait for a friendly voice to greet. Now say the following words: "I am a sick SOB and need help. Please send the police immediately to arrest me for child pornography."
6. Help should arrive shortly. In the meantime, click the little "X" in the corner of your browser window.
No need to thank me, just don't ever come back here.

Prewash baby clothes -- For the last time, NO!

Crazy running lady Pittsburgh -- Would you believe I know EXACTLY who they are talking about? And that I get that search at least once per week? OK, then, would you believe that she has her own MySpace page, complete with photos? And no, I am not her. You won't ever see my nose running, let alone my whole body.

Hemangioma -- It probably hasn't escaped anyone's attention that Alexis has a smallish Hemangioma on her forehead. It's nearly gone these days. We did nothing to assist in its disappearance except to be patient and leave it the heck alone. This one deserves a post unto itself, so I'll leave it at that.

My mom put me in diapers for a car trip at age 9 for wetting my pants -- Well. Now. Ahem. Your Mom? She is a bit twisted. And you? Probably should be talking to a therapist rather than Google.

Will cockroaches crawl up your nose or in your ears -- Good luck with that. I'm thinking I'm better off not knowing why you want to know that.

Do all Bulldogs stink -- Yes. Every single one of them.

Mommy blowing Santa under the Christmas tree -- Ahh, my personal favorite. I don't really know what you are looking to find. Photos? A story? I got nothing. No really, I got nothing. Thanks for the laugh, and buh-bye.

Birth control Alexis -- Trust me people. You WANT one of these:



And with that, I am stealing an idea from Hope. Why ask Google when you could ask me? Here's your chance, ask me a question. Any question. I will answer each and every one this weekend.

37 comments:

  1. My question...

    In your opinion, where is the best place to have fun in or around the burgh?

    The worst?

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  2. ha ha ha ha ha ha - okay, now that I am done laughing at this post....

    on to the questions:
    will you take me to a Steelers game? just kidding- sort of!

    Seriously, if you answered any of this in previous posts - just hit me on the head with a brick and call me a dumba**
    1. Do you want more kids?
    2. Dream vacation?
    3. Favorite thing about Alexis? Mr. Husband?
    4. I know you have lived in a lot of places- what is/was your favorite place to live?
    5. besides your computer - favorite daily life item you can't live without?

    Okay, okay, I will stop now! I'm a curious girl! Alright- I am just nosy, but you asked!

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  3. Silly Billy Burgh! Yay you used it on the very day it was coined. I spit drink out on the Mommy blowing Santa under the tree thing. EWW. Yucko. I'll have to think of ?s and get back to ya.

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  4. That takes Mommy Kissing Santa to all new levels. Your child will be scarred for life.

    That is the cutest picture EVER!!!

    No questions. Thinking...

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  5. Ha ha! I remembered and read you LAST tonight! ;)

    I'll have to come back when I think of a question...

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  6. Wow, I started a trend...this is like a meme or something...geez!!

    Here are mine...and I already know you pick your nose.

    1. If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be.

    2. If you had 20 million dollars what would you do with it.

    3. If you could go back and change one decision you've made what would it be?

    4. If you could change one thing in your life right now what would it be?

    5. Are you happy?

    All shamelessly stolen from my blog but they are good questions so you should answer them here, too.

    My work here is done, I'm off to play fetch with the cat...I'm throwing a corn pop just in case you were concerned ;)

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  7. No questions, just wanted to say I love the picture. She is such a doll.

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  8. If you had to give up one of the following, forever, which would it be, a) tampons, b)toothpaste or c)deodorant?

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  9. Hilarious. You crack me up!!! You really, really do! OK, so here goes:
    1.Where did you get your sense of humor?
    2. What do you do to destress?
    3.What movie or novel title best fits your life?
    4. What food do you eat that you swear to everyone else you would never, ever eat?
    5. What is one movie you've seen and TV show that you watch(ed) that you swear/swore you never, ever watch(ed)?
    6. If you could give your 18-year-old self advice (knowing what you know now), what would it be?

    Can't wait to see your responses. Love this idea!

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  10. tee hee...I was just drafting my friday post with my google searches. It really is an eye opener huh?
    Thanks for the smile.

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  11. I'm thinking of doing a post on my google searches but yours totally cracks me up.

    You know, my niece had a hemangioma in almost the exact same spot Alexis had hers. My niece's is gone now, too.

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  12. Ooh, I forgot to ask my question. If you had a to glue a baseball to somewhere on your body for the rest of your life, where would you put it and why? (there's a story behind this very weird question, btw!)

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  13. Mmm....I love Jamba Juice too. I wish they would open one in the 'burgh. I was excited when they built Whole Foods here because some Whole Foods in other cities have Jamba Juices in then but no such luck here.

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  14. how do you find out that stuff? what people google you under?

    That's my question.

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  15. What is the nicest thing someone has done for you this week?

    Emily

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  16. 1. Why do we drive on the parkway, and park in a driveway?

    2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

    3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    4. What disease did cured ham actually have?

    5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    6. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    7. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

    8. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    9. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole
    in a boat?

    10. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
    him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

    Did you ever wonder why you are friends with me in the first place?

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  17. My son had a Hemangioma too. It wasn't there at birth and then all of a sudden two weeks after he was born it started to show up on his tummy. Really bright red. REALLY bright. Scared the poop out of me. Now we can barely see it.

    The santa thing? Cracked. Me. Up!

    Let's see. A question. Hmmmm
    How old were you when you had your first kiss, and who was it with?

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  18. and here i've been thinking you just don't heart me anymore!!
    you never picked up your award...it's from last friday or saturday!! go get it!
    and...you're tasking me with something computer related...what are ya? nuts?
    xoxo

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  19. All I get is nasty men looking for p^r* involving boys and their mothers. I especially love it when their pictures show up on my blog log in the side bar.

    And, I have a Jamba Juice just right down the road.

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  20. ROFL! I can't get enough of the Blowing Santa Under the Christmas Tree :)

    K. I'm going to have to steal this question idea...the meme attacks are getting out of hand for me.

    My questions:
    1) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

    2) How many kids do you want?
    3) If you could change 1 thing from your past, what would it be?

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  21. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

    Also, what is your dream job?

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  22. Way too funny. Hmmmm...thinking of questions (but doubtful I can top google).

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  23. My top searches?

    Es*kimo Po*rn

    Do*uble D Bo*obs

    Girls who Fa*rt

    Apparently google? Only brings the freaks my way.

    ReplyDelete
  24. you get ALL the cool google hits. mine are boring. mostly about thongs. ;-)

    i have no questions that havent already been posed, so i'll look forward to the answers.

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  25. Ha, those are great!! There are some, uh, wierdos out there.

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  26. Those are great! I love to hear about google searches! And you are always sooooo funny!

    My question is: how do you keep up with all your blog reading?

    Oh, and what is your favorite post you've ever written? (I feel like you answered this one in that meme you got, but I'm too tired to look it up, so you can answer again. hehe)

    And, I'm totally stealing some of these questions for my Questions of the Week. It's getting hard to come up with new ones every week. So, thanks everyone!

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  27. Oh, man! How do you find out what people have been looking for that found you?? (I live under a rock here in Chicago, apparently) That naked toddler thing just creeps me out! Bleecck!

    Okay, so what to ask....hmmmmm.

    Was there ever another path you might have taken in life, and if so, where do you think you would be now and doing what? Are you better or worse off because of it?

    (patting self on back, think I did pretty good)

    Lizzy

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  28. Does your milkshake keep
    bringing the boys to the yard?

    OR

    Who do you have a boycrush on?

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  29. Where and when did you meet Mr. Husband? How did you know he was the one for you?

    And Jenni, I personally would say toothpaste.

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  30. Too awesome! I'm with ya on the running. I totally do not get that. Peeing toddler on the bed? Sadly, it has happened once before. The perils of potty training, what can I say?

    And how DO you get the google search thingy? Tell me, tell me?

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  31. I'll bite. What's your real name? And what am I going to be when I grow up? Besides old.

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  32. "Will cockroaches crawl up your nose or in your ears?"

    Might or might not have been me.

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  33. The thought I recognized the first one "Toddler takes off clothes and pees in bed" and so I googled it with Burgh Baby and I was right. It was a comment I wrote about my toddler. LOL! That's too funny!

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  34. mom to many9:33 PM

    No ? just a comment. I think 'jen' has been watching too many old Seinfield episodes :-P

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  35. I did prewash the little baby clothes because they don't call Manassas "Ma-nasty" for nothing! But I didn't usually pre-wash much else past 6 or 9 months. Plus, I love the smell of the Dreft or All-Baby detergent. :)
    Um, question for you...hmmm...
    how long do you think it will be before I remember and actually do the meme you tagged me with?
    oh, you meant a decent question?
    What do you like to do for fun? I know you like to do all sorts of cool stuff with Alexis, but what do you like to do for fun with your husband (er, um, besides the obvious)?

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  36. LOVE the picture! Have I told you how much I love that you post a picture on every post? Have I told you that I am seriously considering stealing the idea?

    On to a real question...

    Do you like eggplant? If you do, for the love of all that tastes good, why?

    ReplyDelete
  37. New to your blog, I've seen you in other people comments and had to check ya out. Looks like you have a fun sense of humor, so I'll be back!

    My question is the same as some others...how do you find out about the google searches?

    ReplyDelete