Wednesday, May 14

Even Fairytales Have Their Whores

Once upon a time, in a beautiful land not so far away, there lived the Princess Toddler. The Princess Toddler was known throughout the kingdom as a fickle sleeper who demanded that her accommodations be just so. In fact, months ago she sent a decree to all who served her demanding that absolutely nothing be placed in her bed. Nothing large like a stuffed bunny and most certainly nothing small like a little pink puppy should ever touch the place she rested her weary little head. Each night, the Princess Toddler would inspect her sleeping quarters and if any items were found that were in violation of her decree, she punished her servants with a severe tongue-lashing and effective forms of torture such as sleep deprivation.

Then tragedy struck and the Princess Toddler lost her best friend. She struggled to adjust and found herself trying desperately to make new friends. Unfortunately, the Princess Toddler fell in with the wrong crowd and unwittingly befriended a hooligan by the name of Baby Shell.

Baby Shell was an insecure type, lacking in self-respect and morals. She frequently could be found engaging in questionable relationships with Furries such as Meg the Stuffed Bulldog, Big Bunny, Pink Puppy, Widdle Bear, Tigger, and Pooh. If we're being blunt, and I think we should, Baby Shell was a whore. She would sleep with anyone, just so long as they were furry and inanimate.

Baby Shell used peer pressure to convince the Princess Toddler that she too should engage in relations with the Furries. Before long, the Princess Toddler wrote a new decree. This time she demanded that her servants facilitate a sort of furry lovefest. Suddenly, the Princess Toddler's bed was filled with each and every furry beast there was to be found. In fact, her bed was so filled with Furries that there was nowhere for the Princess Toddler herself to sleep. So, she stayed awake and made her servants stay awake with her.

Now the Princess Toddler struggles to find a way to be true to herself while staying friends with that whore Baby Shell. Time will tell if the Princess Toddler will ever find her way back to sleeping bliss. In the meantime, the servants endure their torture, praying for the day that Baby Shell's grasp on the Princess Toddler's pysche is released, and dreaming of the day when all the Furries will go back in the toy box.

And sleep. They dream of sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.

49 comments:

  1. Sounds like the Princess Toddler, Baby Shell, and all the other furries might need a bigger bed!

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  2. You understand that mentioning the need for Baby Shell out loud has now just prolonged your torture don't you?

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  3. I'm just left wondering: did you make it to the other wal hell to find a new Shell?

    And, Princess Toddler, maybe the other Furries need to sleep in their own beds so you & the Queen Bee can get some sleep?

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  4. time for a twin bed!!! that's how all of Gavin's Furries and Cars and Trains and Books fit in there with him.

    and that explains how you keep missing entire third periods of hockey games!

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  5. Maybe the servants and the furries should revolt and banish baby shell! But of course make it seem like the Princess' idea!

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  6. Been there done that. I hope you get some sleep soon...either that or a quick dose of benedryl...;)

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  7. Nobody likes a baby whore.

    And I am so looking forward to sleep deprivation.

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  8. Thank for my bedtime story. Good night! :)

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  9. YOU GOTTA get her one of the sicko freaky dolls with the snot in its nose to carry around. Then people would be sure to give her a wide berth.

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  10. This story scares me. Princess Toddler in our house also insists on no visitors in her crib, including blankets, but lately, Dora has been granted admitance. Blanket has even been allowed to keep PT company. Now I'm concerned more visitors might start making their way to the crib and we have WAY more furries and critters than you do. Good thing the crib has high sides.

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  11. If they all start drinking you're in big trouble.

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  12. It might be time to take Princess Toddler out to recruit a new lady in waiting . . .

    And Baby Shell can go back in the box with all her little Furries.

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  13. I love this reality series of a fairy-tale!!

    My son has not lost his BFF (Pooh Bear), but alas, has decided that he and Pooh Bear must orgy together with 2310 animals, 20 blankets, 3 books, a water bottle, and train. Or car. Or other vehicle. How do I know it is an orgy? The kid refuses to sleep in pajamas and takes them off as soon as he gets into bed. He claims he gets too hot.

    Right.

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  14. time for the servants to revolt, methinks!

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  15. I am on either side of this phenomenon simultaneously. My almost 4-year old has widdled it down to two occupancies, and my 16-month old could care less. My day will come...

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  16. That was hilarious! The title alone had me snorting Diet A&W out my nose...Thanks for that by the way, it only burned like hell!!

    Thanks for the comments you have left over in my neck of the woods! Once I finish this list I'll be able to visit my favorites on a daily basis instead of just here and there!!

    I'm down to you and you're 9th down on the last page of 35!!

    By the way, love that she sticks her tongue out in concentration. My little one does that too. He gets it from his Dad!

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  17. You're just looking for a reason to give all her toys the boot so you can go buy freaky life-like dolls. I'm on to you.

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  18. that was just about the funniest thing ever! I will be giggling all day! Someone really should put on the condom box- use this or you will never sleep again! Forget the whole you might get pregnant thing. The never sleeping again- far more scary!

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  19. I am in the same boat. And my fairy princess is 5! She sleeps with 9 animals, and God forbid one of them not show up for their nightly meeting. I beg anyone who ever thinks of giving her a gift, no stuffed animals. The gates to our kingdom are locked. Good luck, I don't think it gets any better.

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  20. THAT is hysterical.

    Punkin went through a phase, too, where every ding dang stuffed animal she owns had to be in the bed with her. Now we're back to dependable old Bear, but we MUST be covered with TWO blankets, neither of which will stay on for the entire night.

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  21. That is so funny. An orgy? I never thought of it like that. I always thought they needed the "protection" of the animals from the monsters in the closets. But then they saw Toy Story and didn't want ANY toys in their room whatsoever. Perhaps, show her Toy Story and what happens when she falls asleep ;)

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  22. Oh no...are you telling me there are sleep hurdles BESIDE the one I FINALLY passed (the waking up to nurse every few hours one)? I'm doomed.

    That is hilarious. I love Baby Shell as a trouble maker.

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  23. How does it feel to have your entire adult life controlled by a doll? Probably not one of your top 10 things you want to do before you die, huh?

    Hallie :)

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  24. That is hilarious! You're quite funny.

    I found you on Vintage Thirty and just thought I would stop by to say hi.

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  25. cough, cough, COUGH!

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  26. That is too funny!

    But count your blessings, cause we have a kid who also has a "baby" whom the child sleeps with every night.

    Thinking, ahh what's wrong with that?

    It's my SON!!!!!!!!! That's right, the boy LOVES his baby. So what...he's in touch with his feminine side, right?

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  27. Very funny fairy tale--I hope you get a happy ending soon!

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  28. You are so funny! And I love the picture of Alexis with her tongue out.

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  29. Damn that Baby Shell and her all her wickedness!! I hope the spell on Alexis is broken soon so you can get some sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.

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  30. LOL, sounds like how my bed was when I was a kid! In fact, I still have a bunch of stuffed animals in my bed right now, somehow... although I'm not quite sure where they keep coming from!

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  31. Sure blame it on the whore. Everyone does. :)

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  32. My daughter got very, very, very attached to a pink bear animal. To this day, at 7 years old, she can't sleep without it.

    We left it at a friends house 30 min away once when she was 2 and we literally had to put her in the car and drive over there at midnight to get the damn thing.

    Just so we could all get some sleep.

    lol.

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  33. p.s. GO PENS!!!!! Hope you have your black and gold broom out!!

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  34. I love Baby Shell. She's cute.

    That post was hysterical. Brightened my day actually.

    I thought of you and Alexis and Baby Shell when we ate out Sat. night and saw the ten year old (at least) boy at the next table clutching his scrungy stuffed bear throughout the entire meal. I am wondering if that family ever needed a back up.

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  35. Baby Shell the harlot. And I thought she was DIFFERENT. They start out so young these days...

    Gracie was a freakaziod about her blanket for the longest time. Then one day, she wasn't. She still didn't sleep worth a darn, but she didn't curse me in toddler speak about the fringe on the blankie not being just so.

    This too shall pass. And then you'll have new junk to worry about.

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  36. Best. Fairy. Tale. Ever.

    Isn't it amazing how quickly they change everything on you? good luck finding the blessed dreamland again!

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  37. Wow. That is quite the scary fairytale!
    I say it is time for the whore to get locked away in the highest tower of the tallest castle!

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  38. I was a stuffed animal whore until I was almost 16! I slept with 3 or 4 every night.

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  39. Ah, I remember sleep, and dreaming! Oh, dreaming, dreaming and sleeping, eyes closing, peace and quiet! Rest! Waking up feeling refreshed, I remember feeling refreshed too! (sigh)

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  40. I think Just Jamie's right. Now where was the picture of that doll ...

    When mine were toddlers they compromised with the doll net. It hung in the corner just over their bed, so they could see and talk to and touch, but only one or two actually snuggled. Worth a shot.
    http://www.greatbabyproducts.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=PRIN-4104&click=862226

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  41. Well, the good news is by the time they hit 14, they are usually out of the stuffy phase. Well, almost, Aurora still has certain ones that are "special" she says. LOL

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  42. Luckily we only have to have one friend in bed at night. And of course come bedtime, the bear is usually nowhere to be found. Which is why we have "SpareBear" unbeknowst to my little heathen who hides her bear so she doesn't have to go to bed. Little girl, you will not mess with the master!

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  43. snicker~ toddlers are my favorite.

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  44. I like the part where she takes Baby Shell for a spin in her new wheels...too cute.

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  45. What a great little fairytale! HA!

    My son loves to cover his bed with a kazillion "puppies" until there is no bed left. It's never really affected his sleeping though. Sorry 'bout that...

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  46. That baby looks decidedly evil.

    Oh wait, that was the entire point of the blog. Hehe.

    Maybe she could keep all the toys at the bottom of the bed, you know, compromise?

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  47. Oh I just love fairy tales! When is the sequel coming out? Is Baby Shell going to 'get it' in the end? Will Princess Toddler finally find a way to be true to herself?

    inquiring minds want to know!

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  48. once again, hilarious! You're such a great writer...I'm thinking you need a column in the paper..the kind you get paid for!

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  49. Good writing! Cute story....poor servants!

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