Saturday, May 3

Filling the Void

When we lost our favorite teacher at daycare, I knew there would be some speed bumps in Alexis' life. I correctly predicted that nap time would go to hell in a hand basket without a BFF there to use as a pillow. I knew she would end up going hungry much more frequently without someone to slip her some illegal Goldfish crackers in the afternoon. I figured I should expect a new round of questioning and mass confusion regarding the whole "she knows over 150 signs and isn't afraid to use them" thing. What I didn't expect is that her replacement would be a giant pain in my arse.

Michelle was replaced last night at approximately 8:00 pm in the doll aisle at Wal-Mart. (Don't send me hate email about the Wal-Mart thing, I already know it is the axis of evil, the mouth of hell, and the cause for all that is wrong in this world. The darn place is just too convenient to ignore.) We walked down the aisle as we were headed to Health and Beauty when Alexis saw her. Baby Shell.

Alexis stopped dead in her tracks, squealed "BABY SHELL!" at the top of her lungs, and picked up the ginormous, cumbersome box. "I get Baby Shell," she said. No "Please?" No "Can I?" It just was. I tried to see if perhaps she wanted to consider one of the other dolls but apparently I am an idiot because that doll IS Baby Shell and there is no other doll on this planet worthy of Alexis' attention. Alexis drug the doll, box and all, all around the store and to the front register, hugging it close and giving it smooches on the head the whole time.

So we took the Toddler and her new best friend home and learned that she planned to drag that doll EVERYWHERE, including to bed. Whatever. No big deal. Until she woke up at 6:00.

It is customary for the Toddler to wander over to our bed when she wakes up on the weekend so that she can get up in our bed and either be one with a pillow for a little while longer or be one with a bunch of crazed furry puppets. Either option is totally acceptable, just so long as it means Mr. Husband and I get to enjoy a little bit more of that thing people who don't have kids call sleep. This morning, Alexis showed up at her appointed hour grasping Baby Shell in her arms. I plopped them both into our bed and waited to see if she was going to go to sleep or hang with Elmo and Zoe for an hour.

The answer was none of the above.

"Milk, please."

"I don't have any milk, Alexis. Here's some water."

"NO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Baby Shell wan milk."

Off trudges Mr. Husband to fetch Baby Shell's accessory bottle of milk.

"Dank you!" the Toddler said as she shoved the plastic bottle up the doll's nose.






Off trudges little ol' me to find something to pass as Baby Shell's blanket since she didn't come with that handy accessory. I return with a little Dora blanket.

"Dank you!" the Toddler said as she tucked Baby Shell in under the blanket.

"TOP IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the Toddler screamed as Meg shifted her weight two inches to the left, placing her stinky booty dangerously close to Baby Shell.

"Meg, move. Alexis doesn't want you by her baby."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I don't really know what the major malfunction was that time because my brain exploded before the second 'A' could find it's way out of the kid's mouth. This whole "nurturing" thing went on for over an hour. That's a whole hour that I could have spent sleeping, but didn't.

Real life Shell, I blame you. If you hadn't left the land of daycare bliss, Alexis wouldn't have replaced you, and I would have gotten some sleep this morning. I'm plotting my revenge right this moment.

Hmmm . . . this doll is still for sale . . . Perhaps Michelle's daughter would like it for her birthday.

(BTW, Michelle, this Baby Shell looks NOTHING like the other Baby Shell. For one, it has clothes on.)


  1. Ack!

    One more reason to keep my daughter locked in her room until she's 30.

  2. That's it. No toy aisles . . . ever. Walmart or not . . . ever.

    It is bad enough he already does baby gymnastics in our bed on those precious weekend mornings. Lord forbid he gets an "inanimate" friend to join in.

  3. What a fun way to wake up in the morning... NOT!

  4. so I was stupid enough to click on the damn baby link and see scary baby from ell that my nightmares will be starting again....just send Alexis to me, I won't be sleeping!

  5. Can we see the new doll? And tell Alexis to stop being mean to my bully!


  6. Funny you wrote this, because I was going to email you and ask how daycare was going without Shell. Question answered.

  7. Did Meg shart on her in retribution? 'cause she totally should have.

  8. I clicked the doll link---scary!

  9. Alexis looks like such a little girl in that picture...are you sure she's just a toddler, or is that wishful thinking?!

  10. I think buying that creepy dead baby doll is only fair for waking you up at 6 am

  11. Aw, but it's so sweet on this end of things.

    But I hear you on the sleep thing. At 6 a.m. this morning I had one kid hanging off my boob, another on the other side stroking my hair and a huge one slung across my feet.

  12. My three year old is still in a crib and I don't want to give it up. We were just in Hawaii where she slept in a big bed and she must've gotten up six or seven times every evening before sleep. Ugh.

  13. I am feeling your two year old pain here too. What is with these kids? Mine is for sale on ebay right now for tantrums over breakfast cereal. All I am trying to do here is feed the kid and according to him I can't do that correctly...I think. It is really hard to think with all the screaming.

  14. Ah man!!! I clicked the "this doll" link and now the nightmares are going to return.

  15. Hahaha! Your to funny. I hope your able to get a nap!

  16. perhaps you should wail back at her. pretend to BE baby shell.... give her a taste of her own medicine.

    or not.

  17. "DANK YOU"--I love that. And, for once in my life, I was smart enough to NOT click on the link. It's taken me forever to get that spookiness out of my head! I like Janet's suggestion to wail back at her; it would be interesting to see her reaction. Or is that kind of sick of me? :)

  18. ...your post made me laugh!

  19. I was stupid enough to click the link instead of hovering over it to see what horror it was linking me to! I swear, woman, you delight in terrorizing your readers!!!

    And can I brag? The gods were smiling on me and I didn't hear a peep from anyone from 8:15pm last night until 7:15am this morning...bliss! And even then, Gavin didn't feel the need to bring 15 hundred die cast metal cars into my bed. Although I can guarantee I won't be so lucky I'm savoring it...hmmmmmm.

    Also, is Alexis squealing "oh my ten toes are so cold on this cement!" very cute!

  20. Yeah, we made the stupid mistake of getting our daughter a doll that actually cries for Christmas, as if we don't have enough people in our house that cry.

  21. I had a very similar incident last night. Read it if you didn't. But mine wasn't over a baby doll the whole time. Mine was over a baby doll, cat, fly, and missing me.. i think she killed my last nerve this morning.

  22. You are stinkin' hilarious! Do you know that? And how do you come up with so much material?

    God help you with the new doll though. Hang in there...we are going through a particularly crappy sleep time right now so I know what it is to not sleep anymore.

  23. I'm still not clicking that link. I'm on to you.

  24. I thought the link was to see the new Shell doll - that was plain mean.

    Too funny though. You know, this doesn't get better with age? Sis came in and woke me up early Saturday morning even though her daddy'd told her not to something like a million times. She's 9.

  25. NOT THE DOLL! why did I click on that link!

    I love toddlers. My favorite stage. So cute.

    Okay. I know you can't tell by the type, but I was being sarcastic. I had my boys first, and they were content to snuggle and watch t.v...then came the PRINCESS, who brought whole new meaning to so many things at 6 AM

  26. I cannot believe that The Doll is still for sale. Do people not know what a rare find it is?!

    Gotta love Baby Shell. But I think I'd rather have been awakened by that than the ever fun phrase "Mom, I threw up." There's a load of fun times.

  27. Ugh I hate when they crawl in bed and are DETERMINED to wake you up. I have decided that paybacks a bitch. Just wait till they are teens.
    And that baby pic freaks the crap out of me.

  28. Ack-my eyes! Darnit, I should have known not to click on that link! I should've read the rest of your comments first!

    I don't know about this Shell doll (yet) but my daugther brought her TWIN dolls, their bottles, blankets and stuffed animals into our bed last night. Barely any room left for US to sleep! She was quite upset when she found all of it on the floor this morning.

  29. ImpostorMom2:17 PM

    Boog sleeps until 7-7:30 on the WEEKDAYS. you know those days I have to get up at 6 anyway. On the weekends he prefers to get an early start, say 5:30-6:30. :-|

  30. That. Is the cutest picture. EVER.

  31. shell7:03 PM

    THis made my night. I have been dealing with issues after issues and really miss my bff!!!!!
    everytime I try to get up there to see her one of my kids have an sporting event. I mean come on why should they be involved in activities. why not just sit in front of the tv all day. Geez darn kids. Anyways give her lots of loven from me. I don't think the other co workers are relayen my messages. o and I love the pic. her face his priceless

  32. She's too cute. I've been trying to get my girls to love a baby forever. They're just not interested...maybe that's not a bad thing...

  33. I want you to know I did NOT click that link. I'm pretty sure I already had to look at the scary thing today anyway...

    Last week we had one ten year old, one six year old, one dad one mom and two stuffed animals in our bed. I think it might have been easier for us to sleep than you with Baby Shell, Meg, the Toddler and Mr. Husband...then again, I ended up on the couch.