Thursday, July 24

It's Kind of Breezy Around These Parts

I am thisclose to giving up on the concept of showers. I mean it's not like I'm trying to impress anybody anymore. Hello? Gainfully employed and married with child. No need to impress. The morning routine has become such an unpleasant hassle, I'm just not seeing the benefit of daily soap usage.

Every morning, Mr. Husband gets up a little before the buttcrack of dawn, takes a shower, lets the dogs out, and leaves for work. Every morning, the dogs come barreling back into the house like a herd of buffalo and wake me up just in time to take a shower, get the Toddler ready for her day, and head to work. I don't need no stinking alarm clock because I have a stinky flying Bulldog that jumps on the bed right on schedule. It's been that way for a looooong time and really has never in any way, shape, or form affected the Toddler.

Until now.

Now the perky little thing wants to wake up just a wee bit earlier than she used to. Her internal clock has been set for 7:00/7:30 for months. For some random incomprehensible reason (actually, I think the herd of buffalo might be waking her up, I just don't know why NOW and not always)(OH YEAH, because lately she refuses to stay in her own stupid bed and is mine when the buffalo come barreling through) the Toddler has decided she is going to reset that clock just a little bit sooner. To exactly 30 seconds after I set foot in the shower.

I don't know about the rest of the universe, but I kind of like it when I don't have a short person standing in the bathroom and interrogating me about what I'm doing while I try to pry my eyes open with some crap soap that claims to be invigorating (it's all lies--instead of Oil of Olay, the goop should be called Oh Lay Me Back to Sleep). As an extra special bonus, my interrogation comes complete with an extra special form of torture I like to call LET GO OF THE MOTHER TRUCKIN' SHOWER CURTAIN.

Oh yes, the Toddler stands in the bathroom with the shower curtain firmly clutched between her chubby little fingers as she asks, "What you doin, momma?" and "What dat?" I can't see the end of my nose without my glasses and don't wear them in the shower, so I have no idea what she's pointing at when she asks the latter question, but I imagine it's one of those bits that is really freakin' cold what with the air conditioning vent blowing air directly on it. Through it all I've concluded that it's not just men that suffer from shrinkage. I could probably even prove that to you, but that's probably not the kind of photo you expect to see around here.

Anyway.

If you happen to smell me around town, just know that the lady bits couldn't handle the breeze anymore and I gave up. I'm sure eventually I'll start showering again. Like maybe when the kid is old enough to be out of our house. In the meantime, I'm sticking a little Post-It note in my brain to remember this blog post. Someday I'm sure the Toddler will call me whining that her kids (ack! just typing those words is scary!) won't let her take a shower in peace and will be BEGGING me to stop by her house and help her out. I will promptly present her with this little collection of words and tell her, "Hmmm . . . let me think about that while I'm taking a nice warm uninterrupted by Toddlers Holding the Shower Curtain shower."



(Psst . . . the contest is still running so get over there and enter! You can enter as many times as you like, btw.)

27 comments:

  1. I swear it gets better! At least when it comes to showering, as for the rest of the things that they do just to drive us crazy well my mom says that gets better too. I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel of messy rooms and over filled bath tubs and all the other stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Embrace the stank....I have with two. It just gets worse. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. It drives me up the wall - there's no lock on our bathroom door and the boy seems to think it's acceptable to just breeze in and out whenever he feels like it.
    Worse, we have visitors this week - and he leaves the door open. Am thinking of taking all of my showers at the gym!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hee hee, I have the same problem, but it is with a four legged child and a cat that likes to open doors for him!

    So, I would love to hear a post about how you explain the lady bits and what they are to the toddler!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think I'd rather have Alexis than Micah. Truly, there's nothing quite like standing there, head back and eyes closed while you rinse the shampoo out of your hair, enjoying the warm water running over your scalp, when a naked toddler suddenly appears out of nowhere right there in your shower stall.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, how I remember those days. Now instead of a toddler coming in, wanting to know what I'm doing, it's a dog or a cat (or both). Bodhi loves baths, so he is one to try and hop into the shower along with - not good!

    BTW, I sent you a link (and it's on my blog) to a CBS news story about my Lily's half-brother, Chesty XII, who is retiring as Marine Corps mascot today.

    Peace - D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Showers I can handle. The kid plays in his room. It's the barging in while I'm trying to take a crap that I can't take.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fortunately, we have a shower door and the kids have yet to open it. But I don't even like them to open the bathroom door because it makes me cold.

    I love that last picture!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Darling, you need a glass shower door, yes you do. I've put in the request to Santa for you. Or since your house hunting, I strongly recommend you put a glass door at the top of your priority list.

    You will still be stared at like some weird fish in an aquarium and asked what different body parts are, like where your pen!s is, or simply get laughed at when you have shampoo in your hair and told "You're so cuuute!", but at least you will be safely behind glass and out of reach.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh the things I have to look forward to, huh?

    That picture is hilarious. I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. yeah, showering with kids in the bathroom just doesn't work - no matter what the heck the soap says. I have tried the invigorating, calming, and energizing kinds. None of it blocks out a kid banging on the shower (mine is glass so no curtain), wailing, and asking a million and one questions. Is it too much to ask that we just be allowed to get a shower in peace?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yeah this is why I like PBS in the mornings. It helps me squeeze in a 5 minute shower. Of course I look like ass since I never got to fully dry my hair but I smell decent.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I say you take Baby Shell with you to the shower. Then threaten to guillotine if she doesn't let you shower in peace. Or, you could always turn the tv on....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Long ago I decided smelling go was so important to me that I started bringing Cooper in with me (Maren sits outside the shower in her Jumperoo, happily jumping away, obvlivious to the fact that she could climb right out should the fancy strike her.)

    I am seriously re-thinking my priorities, and would give each and every one of my appendages to shower ALONE. Most days he is content to play with the assortment of cups and bottles littering the floor, but then are other days . . . where he wants to comb my hair, help me shave my legs, or just stand there and stare at me. Sleep is far too important for me to lose any of it in favor of showering before the kids get up. Dilemas, dilemas.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ImpostorMom5:09 PM

    this is precisely one of the reasons I dread giving up the crib.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hear ya about the shower! if Aidan catches me in the shower he strips off his clothes and hops in with me. Not very fun let me tell you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have completely blocked out these days. I think, having three kids and not working then, I showered during nap time. Hmm. That won't work for you. Work night showering be so bad?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Doggy breath...eeewwww... It isn't much easier when you're too soft-hearted and you let the puppy in the bathroom. But, the puppy is whimpering because you're taking too long to get out of the shower, and he's dying to lick the clean off you. Good thing he's short. He can't reach above my knees. lol :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yep, didn't you say you were house hunting? You need to get a shower with a door, that she will open and close a MILLION times. Or, just tell her if Mommy doesn't get a shower a day Santa doesn't come. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. 5 out of 7 mornings, I shower while Morgan is eating breakfast. I can wash the hair, the bits and shave the legs in 8 minutes. I'm done doing the lotion, the make-up and getting dressed before she's consumed half of her morning chow.

    However. The other 2 mornings are the mornings my shower is cut to 5 minutes and comes complete with cuts from the razor because she has to rip the shower curtain back to inquire what I'm doing.

    Love it.

    And yes....all those "invigorating" soaps can lump it in my book.

    Oh and before I shut my trap, I, too, can't see the end of my nose without my glasses/contacts. Love it. No clue if the child is pointing to my toes or, ya know....other parts.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. I have given up the good fight. Gavin gets up at 6am now. Thirty minutes before I need to get up.
    I will get a shower this morning only because I am seeing people other than my immediate family and co-workers. Otherwise, I haven't had one since Wednesday morning.
    Arent' you glad I shared?

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is why I shower at night. Right after I put the Pumpkin to bed and hubby is on duty in case she wakes up, I jump in the shower. I stick my hair in a wet bun and then go to bed.

    LOVE that pic! Too cute!!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am on the other side of this - and watching my daughter be where you are. Ah - the bliss of a peaceful shower.... except that the dog needs to go out and my husband can't find anything. And my cellphone is ringing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. When I was in SF, I had to FORCE myself to enjoy the silent showers. Still i found myself in and out in less then a minute. LOL. I am scarred. For life.

    ReplyDelete
  25. You know, I still have that problem and I have boys and they are too old for that problem! They come in now with their little hands covering eyes that are scrunched shut so tight they might explode but still they have a million questions!

    My favorite was when my oldest was about 3 and said "mom where'd your peepee go?" of course I told him the truth "when I was little I didnt listen to my mom and she cut it off! He was scared of grandma for a long time! Good thing we lived over 4000 miles away so he didnt see her much. And in my defense this was before I knew about his SI disorder so it wasn't as cruel as it sounds!

    ReplyDelete
  26. My shower has a door. I am thinking about getting a pad-lock for it so maybe I could shower in peace. That would be nice.

    Cute pic at the end!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh man did I ever laugh and hard, sooo very true m'dear. It's a girl thing I think. My boys always left me alone. The girls, however......

    ReplyDelete