Monday, August 11

The One That is Probably Going to End in Me Getting My Crack Kicked

Oh, Wonderful Parents of Pittsburgh, we need to talk. You see, I've been noticing a pattern and it's really not pleasant. Maybe it happens everywhere, but I only have personally been affected by it here. People, you have GOT to quit letting your kids be crack addicts.

Here's the thing, I have, over the past 2 years or so, ended up with many, many photos containing crack. Not because I wanted them, but because there are far too many kids running around with their pants riding lower than Phelps swimsuit during that relay the other night. Recently I have downloaded photos to my trusty little laptop only to find that otherwise kick butt photos have been invaded by, well, BUTT.

Example #1:



I'm sorry if that is your kid, but I have at least ten photos of his crack. It was EVERYWHERE that day. I managed to walk away with a few decent shots despite the crack, but OYE THE CRACK. The thing is that the kid was wearing swim trunks that haven't fit him since he started walking. He couldn't button them. Heck, he couldn't zip them. The only thing holding those pants on was the fact that he was a boy. I SOOOO badly wanted to go buy the kid a pair of $5 swim trunks, if only so I could stop seeing his booty in all its glory.

I had let that little crack attack go, but then it happened again this past weekend. What was a really fun little photo op with the Toddler turned into a game of I See London, I See France, I See That Kid Ain't Wearing Underpants.



Seriously. Full moon. Despite the fact that Crackher scared the poop out of my kid and ruined every. single. photo I took for about ten minutes, I felt bad for her. There were no parents with her anywhere. Not at the seal statues, not at the leopard area, not at the front entrance. She was running around unparented. So while her crack is a serious issue, I suspect step one might just be for a parent to actually look at her. Maybe, just maybe, the crack attack would come to an end if they realized that she would need to gain 20 pounds for those shorts to fit.

I wish these were the only instances of crack in the Burgh that I have photos of, but they are not. They are just the only ones from the past month. So, Pittsburgh Parents, please help me out. Cover those cracks.

Thank you.

61 comments:

  1. Admit it... you just want to archive that picture of Phelps so you can easily find it again (or did you bookmark it)?

    ReplyDelete
  2. @justin--I totally admit to wanting to reference that photo again and again and again and again . . .

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great post! There is far too much crack visible in the general public. That goes for kids, adults and everyone in between! Please, everone, just wear a belt.

    ReplyDelete
  4. At least you have Mr. Cannon to take pictures with, even if they do have crack in them. I'm stuck with my boring Nikon camera. It probably wouldn't take a picture of crack if if was right in front of the lens.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So how far down do you think Phelps shaves? Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am thinking these kids' Moms don't read blogs much...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Many, too many, of the parents need to invest in full-length mirrors for themselves. I have seen way too much of too many people lately.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brilliant!

    Can this public message please also apply to teens and tweens frequenting Starcrack for their caffeine addictions?

    p.s. Is that a temp tattoo? So cute!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Taking Crack photos of adults is a favorite hobby of mine. I have a whole folder of "Just Say No to Crack" photos. It is quite embarassing when you get caught!

    I totally agree with you though on the kids crack. The pre-teens are worse!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm sensing a little crush on Mr. Phelps...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Parents of Pittsburgh!! Do it for the children!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Alexis is the coolest toddler evah, sportin' those shades and that pretty dress. :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. You crack me up! **ducking now to avoid rotten tomato avalanche**

    ReplyDelete
  14. you'd better crack the whip here....

    ReplyDelete
  15. OK . . . I'll play. That was just a cracktacular post!

    ReplyDelete
  16. My 14 year old is so crazy skinny that his pants actually CAN NOT STAY UP ON THEIR OWN. If he forgets a belt, crack isn't all that comes out to play!

    Hallie

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks for the morning laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Great post. We have some crack issues up where we live too. The playground is a danger zone. I never know what my kids will see.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Say NO to Crack!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Okay, so my kid is guilty of the crack attack. He's just too damn skinny with a flat butt. You just try to put a belt on a 4 year old and watch him struggle to get it off when going to the bathroom. Then watch him piss his pants.

    On the other hand, teenagers with their thongs showing need to be beaten. And then given pants that fit.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Plus, you KNOW that's got to be uncomfortable for the kids. I can't stand it when my underwear doesn't fit -- always hitching at your pants.
    Not to mention ruining all your photos!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. since I went on a diet, I've become guilty of it myself.

    But I'm surprised...only 2 comments on Michael Phelps butt?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Okay so I missed the butt shot. Dammit.
    But my older brother who is about 30 now still has a "crack" issue. The man can't seem to keep his crack under wraps.
    It is very, very scary.

    At least you have a super cute pi of Alexis to make me smile!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Do these kids not wear underwear? My boys underwear comes up so high on them that no one could possibly EVER see their crack.

    ReplyDelete
  25. My poor Kid had some serious crack attack on Saturday at the beach. He was wearing a suit that totally fit him, but the waves just kept knocking them down. I think I pulled them up no less than 14 times that day. But, unfortunately, it was a spot I missed the sunblock spray and he had a red line by the time we got home. I guess I didn't pull them up fast enough.

    ReplyDelete
  26. And I think they have changed the picture. I didn't see any Phelps crack. bummer.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Phelps after the relay. And men's synchronized diving. LIfe is so good. Too bad the summer Olympics only come around every four years.

    Of course, after all my comments about men's synchronized diving being my new favorite sport, my hubby countered with his new favorite sport -- women's beach volleyball. We really DO have a good marriage. Really! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Yesterday you would have had some more crack, according to my sitter, who said my son's pants did not fit him at. all. So down around his little butt they were.

    But we don't live in Pittsburgh, so only the hicks would have been treated to that little crack.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Oh, if you only knew how hard it is to find pants for a little boy with no tushie...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey, lay off of Phelps! I was very happy with that view of his delicious, um, torso. He was doing the womankind a favor, there.

    I think that part of the crack issue is that clothes makers from children to adult make the waists too low for almost everyone. I bought some pants for my little one only to realize that there wasn't enough in the pants area to account for a diaper! Don't worry, I returned them. But who makes these clothes? And have they ever had children?

    Alexis is darling in that pic! Love the hair clips!

    ReplyDelete
  31. I want to see the photos of Phelps!

    anyhoo, yeah, Monkey has this problem. Jeans makers think that "low-rise" jeans are okay for toddlers, and they just don't fit 'em. So it's either crack or underpants. We're still working on it. Children don't have hips, people. Pants fall down. A favorite solution in our household is the overall-jeans look. We haven't dealt with those and the potty, yet though.

    I will attempt to make sure that Monkey is face first if you ever try to capture her photo.

    ciao,
    rpm

    ReplyDelete
  32. it's really cool the way you blurred out the others in the photo. Good idea! Have you seen the skit on SNL about "coin slot" cream? It's hilarious. They do this commercial for a cream that your sposed to put at the top of your crack.....AKA: you coin slot.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Just be glad you're not a college student....cracks galore...and grown up cracks are way worse than kid cracks!!!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I wish crack was all my girly displays ... see, she sometimes "forgets" to wear panties. (She says forgets, I say she sneakily hides them in corners around the house...)

    It's a daily fight.

    ReplyDelete
  35. You are too nice. I would just go over and tell the kid, "You need to pull your pants up because your privates are showing." and as far as the scary kid, that would've lasted with me for about 30 seconds. To which I would say, "Honey you need to go play somewhere else. Like by your parents."

    ReplyDelete
  36. Your comment section is just as funny as your posts! And your posts are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  37. So funny but so true! We saw a kid riding on his dad's shoulders at the air show and he was practically mooning us. Are they making low rise pants for toddlers now? Scary! Although I have to agree that adult cracks are way more disturbing than little kid cracks.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Without a doubt, the proudest moment of my journalism career was when three pictures of my butt crack were published in the April Fool's edition of my college newspaper. We were off in the wilds of Athens County getting ready to finish a couple of interviews; when I leaned into my car to collect the stuff I needed, the sharp-eyed photographer clicked off three or four frames of my sagging shorts. I wasn't aware of this until I saw the one of the 15,000 copies printed that day -- there was my ass, accompanying the editors biographies in that issue.

    Yes. I still have copies. No. You can't seem them.

    ReplyDelete
  39. all righty then! I see the crack jokes have been all used well.

    don't forget not to step on them!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I will ignore all the obvious crack jokes and tell you a few things.

    1. I miss you too!
    2. My husband surprised me for my birthday with a Just Ducky tour and after that we stumbled across that fountain you told me about. I said "What was she talking about?!" because the music wasn't on then so he wasn't getting wet! Figured it out later, and it was a blast!
    3. I'm an idiot and did not have my camera for any of this! Groan.
    4. Found out today we might not have internet until Aug 21st now. My husband might be taking hostages.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I must have missed something, the Phelps reference only had non-revealing under-water shots.

    And I have suspicions that you're on the lookout for crack so you can use it for blog fodder.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Too funny! Although I have to admit that Kathryn is guilty of this as well. The girl is just way too tall and skinny to find pants that fit properly. So I walk around a lot singing "Baby got Crack!"

    ReplyDelete
  43. 44 comments on this. Girl, you're kicking it!
    This is hysterical. I always end up with the 'booger picker' in the background or some mom smoking a cig or something equally yucky ;-)
    This is too funny.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hahahahhahahahha!


    Hey I have scary dolls on my blog that I dound this weekend. :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Or at least get really nice undies!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I think you have a little thing for Mike P. I mean how many twitters today about him?

    Sorry for all the crack in your town. It happens here too but I don't think I have nearly as much photographic evidence.

    ReplyDelete
  47. ROFL!!! I yell at my daughter to pull up her jeans all the time. I HATE HIPHUGGER JEANS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. anglophilefootballfanatic.com9:13 PM

    Do you think maybe they are all in training to become plumbers? Cause, that is totally a possibility.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Oh good gracious that was a good laugh. Wowza.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I never realized that swimming was such a turn-on until these olympics.... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  51. (1) Michael Phelps. Dear God in Heaven why could there not have been some sort-of Janet Jackson-wardrobe malfunction in honor of that amazing race?! You know, because I'm married - not dead. Thank you for posting that link - oh yes, bookmarked.

    (2) The crack thing is killing me! Cooper has learned that we never, ever wear our shorts/trunks/pants that low . . . I actually caught him trying to hike another kids swimming trunks up at the pool last week because the kid was showing crack! Cooper kept telling him to pull his shorts up. My heart filled with pride and joy.

    (3) Could you please add an addendum to the mothers of these children? Something along the lines of 'I know you are too lazy to make sure your kids' shorts actually fit, but could you please take just a minute or two to check below your own belt and make sure you're not showing anything that should remain hidden unless behind closed doors?' Seriously. Yes, as a mother time is precious and limited, but if you are going to bust out the bathing suit, make sure the curlies are in check.

    ReplyDelete
  52. So here's the thing: when I first read the title of this post and quickly scanned the photo I thought you were referring to how children seem to like to study cracks in the sidewalk (my boys are always digging in the cracks or looking at bugs crawling in cracks). And then I realized...OHHHH! THAT crack.

    Silly me.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Umm ... I have lots of thoughts on your commenters.

    1. Who the hell is looking at Phelps' arse when there was so much on the front of him to look at?

    2. Why did no one comment on the thong/crack of tweens? Since when did public displays of butt floss become hawt?

    3. I show lots of boob crack. Butt crack? Not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  54. It's not just the burgh kids, or even the natives. It's the imports too. The cute little blonde med students seem to think their scrub bottoms need not hide crack on the bus.

    And then there's my vet. Love her to bits but have seen her thong a few times too many.

    ReplyDelete
  55. What is strange is this style keeps living on and on. Additionally, The poor children cannot walk because their pants are falling down.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I think you may want to start carrying around some
    crack spackle.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I know what's worse--WORKING with ADULTS who don't understand the concept of underwear AND pants that cover yer ass.

    It's been my on-going rant for, OMG! 6 FREAKING MONTHS at work.

    It's even more fantastic when these are managers!!! and if I say anything to other managers I discover these women have ALREADY been spoken to about this very issue.

    I'd take kids' crack any. day. Trade me! Trade me!

    ReplyDelete
  58. bonnie6:57 PM

    Please don't blame the parents! I have a 3-year old, and no matter how I adjust her adjustable jeans, her butt shows! I cannot keep it covered! She and I are constantly pulling her jeans up, but they keep coming down! It must be the way the clothes are made nowadays, maybe coupled with the way my child's body is (long torso).

    ReplyDelete