Monday, August 4

You Were Warned So Quit Your Whining--It's Creepy Doll Time

A funny thing happened after I posted those Creepy dolls a while back; people started to think of me when they encountered anything creepy doll-related. It's so flattering. I think. Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, since people were kind enough to take time out of their day to send me nightmares, I figured I would be caring enough to share the love. I do, after all, care about you. And you. And you. And, yes, even you cowering in the corner. You will need to open your eyes. Thanks.

First there was a link to a video explaining the "other" side of the story forwarded by Oraeley. Beware of that video, though, because it can lead to hours of appalling YouTube video viewing. There is just SOOOO much freaky to behold.

Later there there were numerous people who sent me the story about how police smashed a window to "rescue" a reborn doll when it was mistaken for a real kid. I have to admit, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the story.

Then there was the story Pam sent me about edible dolls made out of marzipan. Check 'em out, they are tiny and certainly not appetizing in appearance.



Creepy? Yes. Edible? No. It turned out that part of the email forward was a hoax. Thank goodness.

Sadly, I can't say the same for the edible baby Gina and Modern Matriarch sent me. This is a cake, yo. A very expensive cake.



You know, I've always dreamed of eating a chocolate baby head. That cake is so (NOT) going to be my next birthday cake.

All those emails/tweets/messages got me to thinking. I realized that I hadn't noticed any action going on with the creator of my favorite dolls. I checked out ebay and discovered that the seller had closed up shop. Never one to be deterred, I turned to Google and asked him where or where she had gone.

At first Mr. Google was all HEY! RICHARD SIMMONS HAS DOLLS! And I was all, huh? What? It turns out that Richard Simmons does indeed have a doll line. So I asked self, "Self, whatever in the world is he doing with a doll line?" Self replied, "Self, take a look at one of those dolls. Obviously, he's making them so that people will end up too freaked out to eat."



Tell me that thing doesn't look exactly like Richard Simmons in drag. I guarantee that if you still that thing in your fridge, you'll lose ten pounds in a week.

Since you won't be eating them anyways, you can always use apples to make some dolls. No, really. People use dried apples to make doll heads. See:



The do get cuter when you put the heads on some sort of body.



Or not.



The problem with the apple head dolls is that they just aren't realistic enough. This is a little more like it.



Actually, I take it back. That one is not realistic enough. THIS one is the realistic, um, queen? Princess?



Um, yeah. I really, really, really, really don't want to know who or what buys life-size excessively realistic dolls. Oh, and your welcome that I censored the image. The original? Will burn your retinas.

After a VERY brief venture into Googling realistic dolls in search of my favorite creator, I came across some not realistic but still creepy images.



Dolls should have faces. Not like the apples up there, but they should have faces. Please and thank you.

How about this face?



Ha! I just heard you jump out of your chair! That doll is intentionally creepy. The lady who makes them obviously has an interesting sense of humor. I think we could be friends.

After that foray into my next Halloween project, I found her. Yes, I found my favorite reborn doll creator. She was hiding in plain sight once I correctly remembered her name. The good news is that she's been busy lately. The bad news is that she is now charging $700 per doll. I guess I'll never get to have this precious widdle baby:



I'm sad, because really, she's fantastic. Oh, the fun I could have pushing her around in a stroller and letting the Toddler drag her by a leg . . . It's a shame. Really. I mean, look at her! Realistic veining! Realistic hair! Realistic crabby face!



You're welcome.

60 comments:

  1. Told you. It's like a car wreck. I KNEW this post was up. I KNEW what it contained and yet, I was powerless to NOT read it.

    I'm entirely creeped out. Mainly by the last doll.

    I'm totally ordering a Richard Simmons doll. If that freakish thing is in my fridge, I assure you I will not want to eat. Which means the muffin top can be banished to the curb.

    :)

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  2. i'm going to have nightmares...
    that doll...the one that looks like a shrunken voodoo baby...
    scary
    super duper scary.
    going to vomit now

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  3. At least they're not in clown outfits.

    That Richard Simmons doll would totally be helpful around major gorging times of the year.

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  4. The cake baby lady? She's INSANELY talented!!

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  5. mmmm...chocolate baby cake head. Yummo.

    Why must you insist on these creepy baby doll posts . . . you must really "love" us.

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  6. I'm honestly not sure which creepy baby creeped me out more, Richard Simmons or the veiny one.

    But I am absolutely certain that I will probably being seeing little creepy doll baby faces in my dreams later...

    Good times!

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  7. Well, Thank You for the nightmares! Yes, I was warned, but really, having not seen your creepy doll post before I was not prepared! heh!!

    By the way I have seen a show on the, uh, sex doll....a lot of really weird people buy those things. the show was like a train wreck, I just couldn't turn the channel.

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  8. You know, it would probably be worth the $700 cost of the creepy doll, and the cost of the court fees you'd end up paying, but you really should buy it, let the Toddler drag it around (preferrably in public, near a street full of old ladies) and take pictures.

    Yeppers. Soooo very worth the money.

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  9. I'm not sure I can even comment. You may have actually struck me speechless.

    Although I will bookmark this bitch to have on hand the next time Justin gives me any lip about cleaning the litterbox or taking out the trash. I'll be all "uh, what did you saaaaay???" as I pull this thing up, "are you listeniiiiinnng?", then start turning the laptop to face him, "do I have to show you the dooooollllls?"

    so even though I'm now pretty nauseated, will have nightmares, and still can't really comment on the post itself, I want to thank you for giving me ammunition for keeping my husband in line.

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  10. oh, and you are SOOOOO getting a chocolate baby head for your birthday...count on it!

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  11. What the HE double hockey sticks is that person who made the scary teeth doll smoking? Holy crap that is just so disturbing...

    Really all of it is. And I TOTALLY showed Jon every disturbing bit of it. Who says a new baby can't bring a couple together???

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  12. i am COMPLETELY feeling the love here.

    and i'm thinkin' i'm gonna have to go get a piece of cake.

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  13. I need cake & apples now. STAT

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  14. How sad is it that I think the toothy evil grinning brown headed skull like doll is LESS scary looking than newborn realistec wet haired greasy headed baby?

    ICK

    Hallie

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  15. Thanks. No really, I've been getting too much sleep lately and, well, I should really be up all night getting stuff done around my house. No way am I closing my eyes after this post.

    I had a doll in my arms one day flopping around and it scared the postman. He was like, did you have another baby? I'm like, it's a doll. He was relieved I didn't treat my babes like that. Phew. Could have been a DCFS day, No?

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  16. Ha! The last one is realistically an old man posing as a baby. That is what makes it freaky.

    And the faceless dolls? The Amish believe that if it has a face it has a soul. One can't let a toddler play with something with a soul, you know. That would be freaky, too.

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  17. That doll with the teeth? IS AWESOME. Of course, it should never be viewed by a child b/c it would traumatize them for life.

    Speaking of traumatized....that last baby is just wrong. I'm sorry, but that baby doesn't look real. It looks dead. What's with the mottling on the head? Wrong. Just wrong.

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  18. You *do* know there is medication for your type of disorder, don't you?! This goes well beyond creepy and I don't believe I'll be sleeping for the rest of the week, thank you very much!

    Ooh - I have a bad case of the heebie geebies now! LOL! Thank goodness it is morning.

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  19. Oh wow, those are bad on a new level! At least you're not content with mediocrity!

    I thought of you the other day when I was flipping through the sunday coupons - there was an for one of these lifelike dolls. It wasn't as creepy as your selection, but still.

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  20. Holy crap.
    Those are frightening on a whole new level of creeptasticness.

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  21. Oh my FREAKING Gawd!!! I had no problems with the creepy dolls...until that one with the TEETH! I did jump out of my chair a little.
    Scariest freaking thing I have ever seen!!!
    Thanks. NOT!

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  22. It was like a bad traffic accident- I couldn't look away! What a nice wat to start the day!

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  23. OMG if i was at a baby shower and that baby cake was dessert I would run screaming for rhe hills!!!!!!!!!!! That is just too much!

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  24. Okay so I have a question. Why does that lady that make the realistic dolls always make the dolls have gooey hair? I mean really????
    And the doll with the teeth? Ew.

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  25. I was totally going to e-mail you the cake baby.

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  26. Why, oh, why, can I not look away? I know it is going to just be something burned into my brain forever, and yet, I still look. Not sure who is sicker, you for putting it up, or me for looking at it.

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  27. I do believe these are some of my favorite posts. I don't know why, but they are. Even though they do frighten me and cause me to have great concern for some of those people. They are all just a but freaky.

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  28. because i hadn't had a doll fix in a long time... thanks.

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  29. I don't even know where to start. First I'll have a hunk of baby head with a side of marzipan baby to go. please.

    Second, good gravy a life sized naked girl doll? Eww!

    And who buys these dolls? That last one? Ugly....

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  30. Yep. You warned me. But I still had to look. And now I will have nightmares.
    *chills*

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  31. Man, I should have known better and stayed away a few more days...

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  32. Your obsession is quite unique. But you're right, when I see a freaky baby doll I think of you. You're very marketable!

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  33. Envisioning Alexis dragging that last around the neighborhood. Put a little steak sauce on it and let the dogs follow her around.

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  34. You, my dear, need a hobby - completely void of dolls.

    Forget the dolls - Richard Simmons himself scares the sh*t out of me. (Seriously, did he buy in bulk in 1982 knowing deep down that nylon shorts were going to go out of style? His biggest fear is not getting fat . . . it is that someone is going to strike a match in his general vicinity.)

    Shudder.

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  35. Too funny! I love the creepy baby posts!

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  36. I'm sending someone over to break your thumbs because of the fright you've caused me.

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  37. Really, there are no words. I think this is the same comment I left last time...

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  38. Ick, Ick, and Ick! Who in their right mind would want a Richard Simmons anything...much less a doll??!!

    And the cake baby...T.A.C.K.Y!

    Again, Ick.

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  39. Your doll posts are like a train wreck...I..can't...look...away!!! And the $700 doll...might just be worth every cent. You should really consider it.

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  40. Oh yes, I just HAD to visit you today. Now I expect TONS of cute pictures of your daughter to BURN these other images out of my HEAD. Thankyouverymuch.

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  41. That is just what I need something precious to put in a stroller. I must make sure the stroller is brightly colored so that dirty fanged baby won't blend in.

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  42. Thanks for the nightmares! That cake is just wrong.

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  43. I AM NOT SLEEPING TONIGHT! Ya did warn me though so I only have myself to blame. LOL

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  44. OMG these were some VERY freaky dolls!! Thanks

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  45. I think it might be time to step away from the creepy baby ;)

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  46. good grief! you need to check out the cake wrecks blog - http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/. you will love it.

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  47. I think you love manipulating my nightmares. I thought we shared a forbidden love??

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  48. Holy crap that was creepy! I was warned, but still.....

    Good one :)

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  49. Nooooo'sssssss. Not right.

    You know which dolls scare me? The ones that people put in their gardens that look like little kids in time out, backs facing you, head in their hands. Turn those suckers around, THEY ARE FACELESS. FUCK. THAT.

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  50. this..... is terrifying. and i <3 it!

    thanx for making my Wednesday more interesting.

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  51. the last doll scares me and will haunt me for weeks. As for the realistic woman doll, uhm, yeah, don't want to know.

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  52. Good Lord - I KNEW I should have just marked all your blog posts as read. But no - I just HAD to look. And now I'm traumatized.

    Thanks for that.

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  53. I saw that My Fake Baby documentary last year on YouTube and was totally freaked out and mesmerized. It IS like a train wreck. I couldn't stop watching.

    SO BIZARRE. And that last baby? Ew.

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  54. You suck.

    Be prepared. One day, on your doorstep, a little gift, from me to you. Just wait.

    Now, if you'll excuse me I need to vomit, and call my Mommy.

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  55. Ack!

    I did think of you not too long ago while reading some stupid magazine at the car dealership. There was an add fo M&M baby dolls--teeny tiny realistic looking baby dolls with M&M shirts. You should feel special that we think of you when we see creepy dolls!

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  56. That was terrifying.

    Who on earth could eat that cake? Who?

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  57. that was great, of course im saying that because im totally into this kind of stuff. i would eat that cake. *evil smile* lol

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  58. Hello, I am a cake decorator and I just have a quick comment as to the "creepy" nature of the marzipan dolls. I realize you said they are in fact not real, but I frequently craft these little "edible" babies for baby shower cakes. I agree to think of eating them is quite disgusting, however let me shed a little light on this subject. They are USUALLY not eaten, and are merely put on a cake as a cute icon representative of the baby on the way. The cool thing about these little figurines is that much like ceramic or plastic, they will last forever, but it is nice to have allt hings edible on a cake. So maybe some of you can sleep after hearing this tidbit of info! I have also seen the baby cake before and while it is incredible and shows tremendous talent and skill, it is SOOOOO creepy. If you ever google "litter box cake" or "poop cake" you will truly be disgusted! These are the only cake orders I ever turn away. Though the idea behind the last request for quite witty, it was such a disgusting combination of food and feces that I refused to envision it and especially to create it with my name attached thereto, but this was what the lady wanted: A birthday cake for her cheating husband that said "It's your birthday who gives a shit" and a big pile of dung atop the cake...again, quite funny and witty but tooooooooo disgusting for my mind!

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