You Were Warned So Quit Your Whining--It's Creepy Doll Time

A funny thing happened after I posted those Creepy dolls a while back; people started to think of me when they encountered anything creepy doll-related. It's so flattering. I think. Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, since people were kind enough to take time out of their day to send me nightmares, I figured I would be caring enough to share the love. I do, after all, care about you. And you. And you. And, yes, even you cowering in the corner. You will need to open your eyes. Thanks.

First there was a link to a video explaining the "other" side of the story forwarded by Oraeley. Beware of that video, though, because it can lead to hours of appalling YouTube video viewing. There is just SOOOO much freaky to behold.

Later there there were numerous people who sent me the story about how police smashed a window to "rescue" a reborn doll when it was mistaken for a real kid. I have to admit, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at the story.

Then there was the story Pam sent me about edible dolls made out of marzipan. Check 'em out, they are tiny and certainly not appetizing in appearance.



Creepy? Yes. Edible? No. It turned out that part of the email forward was a hoax. Thank goodness.

Sadly, I can't say the same for the edible baby Gina and Modern Matriarch sent me. This is a cake, yo. A very expensive cake.



You know, I've always dreamed of eating a chocolate baby head. That cake is so (NOT) going to be my next birthday cake.

All those emails/tweets/messages got me to thinking. I realized that I hadn't noticed any action going on with the creator of my favorite dolls. I checked out ebay and discovered that the seller had closed up shop. Never one to be deterred, I turned to Google and asked him where or where she had gone.

At first Mr. Google was all HEY! RICHARD SIMMONS HAS DOLLS! And I was all, huh? What? It turns out that Richard Simmons does indeed have a doll line. So I asked self, "Self, whatever in the world is he doing with a doll line?" Self replied, "Self, take a look at one of those dolls. Obviously, he's making them so that people will end up too freaked out to eat."



Tell me that thing doesn't look exactly like Richard Simmons in drag. I guarantee that if you still that thing in your fridge, you'll lose ten pounds in a week.

Since you won't be eating them anyways, you can always use apples to make some dolls. No, really. People use dried apples to make doll heads. See:



The do get cuter when you put the heads on some sort of body.



Or not.



The problem with the apple head dolls is that they just aren't realistic enough. This is a little more like it.



Actually, I take it back. That one is not realistic enough. THIS one is the realistic, um, queen? Princess?



Um, yeah. I really, really, really, really don't want to know who or what buys life-size excessively realistic dolls. Oh, and your welcome that I censored the image. The original? Will burn your retinas.

After a VERY brief venture into Googling realistic dolls in search of my favorite creator, I came across some not realistic but still creepy images.



Dolls should have faces. Not like the apples up there, but they should have faces. Please and thank you.

How about this face?



Ha! I just heard you jump out of your chair! That doll is intentionally creepy. The lady who makes them obviously has an interesting sense of humor. I think we could be friends.

After that foray into my next Halloween project, I found her. Yes, I found my favorite reborn doll creator. She was hiding in plain sight once I correctly remembered her name. The good news is that she's been busy lately. The bad news is that she is now charging $700 per doll. I guess I'll never get to have this precious widdle baby:



I'm sad, because really, she's fantastic. Oh, the fun I could have pushing her around in a stroller and letting the Toddler drag her by a leg . . . It's a shame. Really. I mean, look at her! Realistic veining! Realistic hair! Realistic crabby face!



You're welcome.

One Dream Begins as Another Ends

The dream is over. Someone else has bought that which would haven been mine. I stalked it for weeks on eBay, watching as the price fluctuated from $150 to $200 to $135 and everywhere in between. I waited as it was continuously didn't sell and was relisted, holding out hope for a price somewhere in the range of $20 to $30. (Remember, I'm cheap. Even when I really want something. ESPECIALLY when I only want it so I can scare people all over Pittsburgh.)

Sadly, she has found a home, at the low, low price of $150.



It just wasn't meant to be. OH! the fun that creeptacular doll and I would have had together. I'm sad.

But, I have a new dream! Now I'm stalking a new love. So far, the seller wants far more than I'm willing to pay, but I'm patient. Who wouldn't be willing to wait for this freaky little face? And, who would be willing to pay over $150 for it?



*shudder*

I Would Have a Good Title, but I Had to Watch the Pens Game

Apparently there is some sort of Man Law that states that you cannot call a cheap GPS a dual anniversary and Father's Day gift. Darn the luck, that means I'm still on the hunt for a Father's Day gift for Mr. Husband. This may very well be the last year I'm responsible for picking something out, so I suppose I better make it good. He has a lifetime of ties and trinkets to look forward to, after all.

In my quest for the perfect gift idea, I realized that various companies have been emailing me some craptastic Father's Day suggestions. Babies 'R Us, I'm talking to you. This email?



RIDICULOUS. Telling me to buy my husband a diaper bag for Father's Day HAS GOT to be some sort of twisted joke. Even if he were to like such a gift (he wouldn't), that would be against all the laws of what is right and good. Men do not need special diaper bags. Period.

Just in case there are any men many reading this, allow me to make the whole "manly" diaper bag thing crystal clear. Real men suck it up and carry whatever their baby mama buys. If that means you are stuck carrying a pretty princess diaper bag for several months, just shut your trap and do it. I don't care if carrying that pretty princess diaper bag makes you nauseous. Imagine carrying a real live human being right next to your kidneys for nearly ten months, squeezing it out of a tiny little hole, and THEN we can talk about nauseous. You owe your baby mama the right to buy whatever the heck diaper bag she wants. Carry it and shut your trap.

While you're at it, men, make it a mission to see if you can change more diapers than your baby mama. I dare you.

The day after Babies 'R Us assaulted my sensibilities, Bath and Body Works joined in the Mess with Her Head Party with this offer:



Um, NO. If I were to buy Mr. Husband a bunch of froo-froo soapy things for Father's Day, I'd be getting bricks in my stocking this Christmas (yes, twits, that was an intentional nod to you). Now that I think about it, I can't think of a single Dad that I know who would be overjoyed to find that his wife and kids thought he needed smelly stuff for Father's Day. Ponder for a moment the image of the guy you think would appreciate the gift of goop. I'll just leave that one hanging.

The WORST of the email Father's Day offers that I have received is one that I deleted before it could completely enter my conscious. I swear on the biggest bag of gummy worms, I seriously received an email offering me a great deal on Allure Magazine for Father's Day. Um, yeah. Mr. Husband wouldn't just be mad, I think buying him Allure for Father's Day would be all the judge would need to hear for him to declare the trial a case of justifiable homicide.

I think I'll just buy Mr. Husband this little thing. I'm sure he'll LOVE it.



(C'mon, you HAD to know it was about time I posted another freaky doll.)

Real or Real Creepy No.2 Answers

Here are the answers to last night's questions:



43% of people got it WRONG. That creaptacular doll sold on eBay for over $500 about a month ago.



40% of y'all called that uber-cute (dare I say "too" cute) baby a freaky doll. Hang your heads in shame.



At least y'all got that one right. The creaptastic doll is for sale on eBay and bids start at $199. Shockingly enough, so far there have been no bids.

Real or Real Creepy No. 2

Put your thinking caps on and see if you can figure this out. Is the "thing" in the picture a real baby, or is it a really creepy doll? I'll post the answers tomorrow.

(If you're new around these parts, start here to learn how I developed a morbid fascination for dolls that look like they popped out of someone's va-jay-jay.)










This one should be obvious. Of course, it should also be obvious that crappy lighting and a crappy cell phone camera can come together to make anything look creepy.

One More Confession

I admit it, I'm still obsessed with the stupid reborn dolls. So obsessed, in fact, that I've been following some of them on eBay to see what happens. My personal favorite was just relisted for $199 and still has no bids. I would be a liar liar pants on fire if I didn't admit that I want to buy the stupid thing. I'm willing to pay $20. I suppose it's a good thing that it doesn't look like it's going to happen.

In other news of relisted dolls, this guy is back. He sold the last time for $787 dollars (pick your jaw up off the floor, you look cuter with it tucked neatly above your neck), but apparently his "first Mommy" (I so didn't come up with those words--the seller did) didn't make her payment on time, so he's back up for sale. Bidding is at $400+ dollars right now. C'mon, you know you would love this face for Mother's Day:



*shudders*

Slapping Some Cuteness on These Walls

(Signing "I love you.")

("Thanks" to Anglophile Football Fanatic for the Boots tattoo. The kid thinks she's a badass now.)

Sweet Dreams for One and All

While we were in Cleveland, I saw something that I haven't been able to get out of my head. Somewhere in the mall we visited, we came across some a store that sold custom-made dolls. Alexis LOVED the dolls. They were adorably life-like with cute little faces, realistic little bodies, charming little outfits, and came complete with an $89 price tag. For obvious reasons, we put the babies back in their beds and left empty-handed.

Over a week later, I find myself regretting that we didn't buy one of those dolls. I know, I need slapped. No two-year old needs an $89 doll, even if she does take really good care of her toys and almost never asks for things when we are in a store and she would treasure that doll for years and she has been pretty well-behaved lately and it could wear real baby clothes and they were all so cute and

FINE.

I want the doll.

There. I said it. I want the stupid $89 doll. However, we aren't about to jump in the car and drive two hours just to buy me a new doll. So, this morning I figured I would see if I could find them online. I asked Mr. Google for some custom made dolls and he showed me this:



Um, yeah. That's not exactly what I was looking for. Actually, that image kind of creeps me out. So I tried again and got this:



*shudders*

Clearly, we have a pattern on our hands. I knew there were a bunch of crazies living in the Internet and I knew there were doll crazies in this world, but I HAD NO IDEA the depths of loony the doll crazies could conjure if they found the Internet. I feel the need to share a few of the faces that will be haunting my dreams tonight. You're welcome.

These dolls aren't so bad, but those outfits are the stuff of nightmares. And maybe flashbacks, but I can't talk about that without my shrink in the room.



This one is 40 inches tall and I'm pretty sure she could kick my butt.



In fact, I'm pretty sure she knows how to use a puzzle piece as a ninja weapon of human destruction.



It looks like she already had her first victim:



You can tell me that all those scratches and bruises just make that thing look life-like, but I then get to tell you that you are wacked out. Dolls should not look like their faces were pulverized with a puzzle piece.

Nor should they have evil eyes that can bore holes in my soul.



While I'm pretty sure that doll is doing the devil's work, this one is just plain pissed off:



Her description claims that she is "lifelike and sweet." Um, yeah. Sweet. I must be confused as to the meaning of that word.

Speaking of pissed off dolls, check this one out:



You know what she's thinking? OK, nothing because she is a doll. But, if she were a kid? She would be thinking about how pissed off she is that someone took her picture while she had that doily on her head. That ain't nice.

This one isn't really all that bad:



But it's female counter-part sure is.



I swear on a big package of gummy worms, I have seen the grown-up human version of that doll working the night shift at Waffle House. However, I have never before seen a doll that looked like it smoked two packs a day.

This one is looking to heaven in hopes of having it's prayers heard. It's praying that the Harley chick drops her cigarette ash on that outfit and the whole thing goes up in a cloud of smoke.



At some point during my over-priced doll quest, I started to consider the idea of having a doll made that looks like Alexis. But then I saw this:



Say what you want, that is a 10 on the Creep-O-Meter if you ask me.

This one is about a 13 on the Creep-O-Meter:



Dolls should not look like they are straight out of somebody's va-jay-jay. Never.

I could keep going on for hours with all the scary stuff I found while trying to find a cute new doll that wouldn't give me nightmares, but I have a Penguins game to watch. So I'll leave you with this:



You are so very welcome.