Sunday, September 7

Embarrassment Excellence

It's been two weeks now since gymnastics lessons have started for the Toddler, and there has yet to be a single surprise. Within thirty seconds of the first lesson, I was already grateful that she's too young to be embarrassed by me, because I truly excel at the embarrassing in public situations thing.

I started out on the wrong foot. Or feet. That is, I am a giant dork and even with 20 some other parents around to observe, I still missed the whole Shoes Go in Cubbies thing. Ah, yes indeed, we were the only two in a room full of people wearing shoes on the big red mat. Awesome.

I continued my Not With it Ways when I was the only parent -ONLY PARENT- that didn't know the little songs that get sang every ten seconds. The Toddler is in a class full of two-year olds (in theory they can't have been going to gymnastics THAT long), but apparently I am WAAAAY behind the times because I am clueless as to the songs that you sing when pulling bells out of a box, playing with balls (*snicker*), and jumping on one foot. There must be some sort of hymnal for gymnastics and I guess I need to find it. Or maybe I don't, given that I am the worst singer on Earth. Perhaps it is best that I can't join in with the cult-like tunes.

My ultimate FAIL came at the hand of Gymnastics Mom Extraordinaire. I knew there would be one--a woman who very clearly excels much more than I do at the Mom Thing. One glance and I knew she was of another class of women. Her perfectly ironed pleated khakis were tightly cinched with a shiny leather belt. Her light pink Ralph Lauren Polo shirt was buttoned just right and tucked in perfectly. Her shiny penny loafers donned shiny new ACTUAL pennies. Her perfectly coiffed blond hair had nary a single stray strand. Everything about her was Perfect.

Also perfect? Her four kids. The oldest was in the class preceding the Toddler's, one is in the class with the Toddler, and the other two are in the class immediately after the Toddler. See that? The woman reproduced at exactly the right rate to be able to line up gymnastics classes. That takes mad skillz. But not only are the classes lined up perfectly, the KIDS LINE UP PERFECTLY. They all sit in chairs, side-by-side, working on their homework when it's not their turn to participate in class. Their outfits are perfect, their behavior is perfect, they. are. perfect.

The Toddler is not.

The Toddler is really enjoying gymnastics. Especially the balance beam. She wants to walk across that thing over and over and over and over. It's her thing. Her thing that she wants to do and since she's 2, it doesn't really occur to her that someone else might want a turn. I mean, she's not shoving anyone out of the way or anything, but she certainly doesn't pause to look around after jumping off the end. Instead, she races back to the stairs to climb back on top of the beam again.

I guess this is a rude behavior.

At least, that's what Gymnastics Mom Extraordinaire said last week.

As the Toddler rounded the corner to head for balance beam walk number 451, the voice of Gymnastics Mom Extraordinaire cut through the giggles and declaration of "Do it again!" She said, "I'm trying to teach Angel Madison Tiffany Smith-Jones* to be polite and take turns, but clearly that's a problem when you don't find such things as important as I do."

Awesome. You just know that if Alexis were older, she would have been embarrassed.

I'm so proud that I can be such an embarrassment to my kid. In fact, I might just have to embarrass her weekly, just to piss off Gymnastics Mom Extraordinaire.

*Not her real name, but it is something equally long and much snootier.

60 comments:

  1. Do it . . . every single week.

    The blog posts on this "super" mommy will be legendary, I have no doubt.

    Right up there with the freaky dolls and fish tank of horrors.

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  2. When you are the only mom to send your Kindergartener to school and the office has to call you to pick her up, then we'll talk. I've got years on you on the bad mom thing.

    I have to sign Peanut and Diva up for dance this week. Peanut should be interesting. I normally drop my kid off and leave or wait in the car. I can't stand hanging out with those moms.

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  3. I can't believe that super Mom called you out. I think that is rude in its own right.

    Screw her let Alexis take as many turns as she likes.

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  4. I love Alexis' spunk and 'zest for life' (and I mean that in the best possible way - not in the condecending, your-child-is-out-of-control way that is frequently used to describe my own child.) All the other kids at preschool line-up outside the door holding their mother's hands while they wait for the teacher to let them inside while my child is running circles around the playground with his shoes on the wrong feet. I had to meet with the teacher on the very first day to discuss Cooper's 'temperament'.

    Bless her sweet little heart!

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  5. Hold the phone.

    There are people out there with pennies in their loafers, belts and shirts tucked into their IRONED pleated pants?

    Dude, VH1 I love the 80's has found their lost mascot.

    Michelle, seriously? Damn. I adore Alexis. I adore her life, her personality, her joy and everything about her.
    I love your personality. I love your honesty, your humor, your snarkiness and your talent.

    You are fabulous because you are you. Being a part of the pack is not all it's cracked up to be.

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  6. Thos kind of moms belong in Los Angeles or, I dunno, Utah. They sure as hell don't belong in Pittsburgh. I give you permission to kick her ass if she has the snark to comment next time.

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  7. Wait. Are you going to teach us the song to use for playing with balls? Pretty please?

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  8. You may think you were rude but she was a b**tch.

    I want to hear the song too.

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  9. ew, seriously? That lady needs to remove the stick from her butt, pronto. A two year old is a two year old, she's having fun. I feel bad for her kids...

    Also: people still actually wear penny loafers, WITH PENNIES IN THEM? Lame. heh

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  10. Wait, are you SERIOUS?!? I think she'd look Perfect with a shiner, and maybe a fat lip.

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  11. Oh, and I probably know all the songs, (years of teaching preschool I had to learn something), if you need some lessons. I won't sing them to you, though. My voice is as bad as yours, I'm guessing.

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  12. Just adding my support to the chorus here. I have a very energetic 3-year-old, and her younger sister who literally follows in her footsteps, and unless I start putting them on leashes in public, there's going to be a lot of running and grabbing. And any other mom who rolls eyes or snarks at me because she has too much time on her hands and has devoted herself to training her children (like dogs), can stuff it.

    so, yeah. hang in there. motherhood is an imperfect art. She's got to be a closet drinker or something. :)

    ciao,
    rpm

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  13. Anonymous8:09 AM

    I know exactly what you are going through....My daughter is 4 and also in gymnastics. Hannah is also not a perfect child and I am by no means a perfect mom, but we do have one in our gymnastics class as well. Hannah goes to a place called "Stars and stripes acadamy". Now I knew going in since it had that awful word "acadamy" in the title I was in for a world of pain in the pocket book, but that has actually quite plesent compared to the attitudes I have been subjected to. The perfect mother told me the other day "you know the parks and rec center have gymnastics classes available also, you may want to check that out." It's really a shame that Hannah was standing there since we talk alot in our house hold that hitting is never the ansswer. I just thanked her for her wisdom and moved on.

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  14. Tell Mrs. Smith-Jones* that you're trying to teach A how to have fun as a two year old but its hard when clearly polo-wearing belt-cinching epitomes of perfection don't find that a priority for their own children. Maybe she should teach a class in how to procreate in time with a metronome. Or how to hyphenate one's fat name to take full advantage of a superiority complex.

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  15. Do it!! You HAVE to!! It'll be great :)

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  16. What a witch. You know if I had been there, her photo would have shown up on the internet.

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  18. Ahh, yes. The "perfect" mom (and with that outfit, she was "perfect" somewhere around 1982, but in the 'burgh they don't really seem to know what year it is when it comes to fashion - myself included). Hold on to the spunk, Alexis. And I'm pretty sure it's not Mrs. SMith-Jones' job to teach YOUR kid to be perfect. That's your job. And she's perfectly fun! In my world, that's much better.

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  19. I'll tell you what's embarrassing - to have a mom like Ms. Smith-Jones hanging around running the family like a goose-stepping commie coach: "We take kid now. You see her once a year! She veel beee staaaaah!"

    Peace - D

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  20. You have a knack for finding these rude people, don't you? And what was your response? Because I've found Alexis to be nothing short of well mannered myself. But maybe that's in comparison to Mr. I Have No Social Clues.

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  21. Oh, and YEAH for balance beam walking! Way to master the sport!

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  22. I would have turned to her and said, "I'm trying to teach Alexis, my free spirited and wonderfully enthusiastic child to live life without a stick up her ass, but clearly that's a problem when you don't find such things as important as I do."


    Hallie

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  23. I hate Stepford moms.

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  24. Super Mom sounds insecure. Plain and simple. Feel free to sit by me next time ;)

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  25. ImpostorMom10:06 AM

    ugh, is that woman a robot? sure sounds like it

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  26. I am dying over here at the name you created for Snobby Snobby-kins' kid! HA HA HA!!!

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  27. Heck, I think you should join in with the little one just to piss Perfect Mom off! LOL!!!

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  28. oh man.

    I know EXACTLY how this feels.

    and I agree.....people still actually wear penny loafers, WITH PENNIES IN THEM?

    COME.ON.

    this is 2008.

    catch up people.

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  29. Pleeeezzz tell me that someone was standing behind her waving their fingers in the air saying, "Oh SNAP!" just to complete the caricature she's living!

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  30. holy cow. we've been going to The Little Gym (they have a big red mat and the same inane songs I never did learn even after TWO Kids in those toddler classes) since my son was less than 2 and now he is almost 6. Luckily I never had such a mom in my class. Oh My God. How did you NOT accidentally run into her.

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  31. I am sure that deep down inside she is a miserable person - right? I always wonder how it feels to be one of those perfect people. Then I wonder how it feels to be one of them when I am smacking them upside the head. :)

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  32. She did not have shiny pennies in her shoes.

    What a dork. Um. I mean, yea, what perfection.

    LOL. I just started Mommy and Me gym with my baby. It is not a fun hour.

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  33. I'm so with LaskiGal - do it. every. week.

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  34. Who wears penny loafers and khakis anymore?

    If were inclined to take my daughter to gymnastics, which I would be if they aligned with work and swimming lessons, I would be sporting Target yoga pants and a t-shirt that may only have one tiny hole in it. Just saying.

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  35. I know those moms.

    Want to borrow one of my Metallica t-shirts to wear next week? Even if she's not put off by it, you'll feel defiant and proud.

    'cause, you know. All toddlers are able to learn lessons of self-control. That's what toddlerhood is for. Because, you know. They don't have the rest of their lives to learn that lesson.

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  36. Wow. She sounds...interesting.

    Yes, Alexis is rude. Because 2 years can be rude. They do have the mental capacity to know to share, look at who is in line, etc. Makes sense. (WHAT?!)

    Way to go wearing your shoes, though. That's hilarious.

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  37. Katie2:36 PM

    That's the type of mom who produces children that go waaaay off the deep end as soon as they get a little freedom. Kinda like so many preacher's kids. Rest assured, you're producing a happy, normal child who, because she's been allowed to express herself and be independent, will be able to handle independence well.

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  38. OH! Well, first of all let me say that when my son was 2 he would have totally CLOCKED Tiffany Angel Smith Snooty Whatsit for jumping on "his" balance beam! So in my opinion, Alexis was PERFECTLY behaved!!

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  39. Dude, she's 2! That's what 2 year olds do! That woman needs to lighten up, and you should be the one to tell her so. And then blog about it. hehe.

    Yeah for Alexis walking the balance beam! That's a tough one to master, so it's good she's starting young. In another year, she could compete with the Olympic Chinese gymnasts!

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  40. I think next week, Alexis needs to punch Angel Madison Tiffany Smith-Jones. Really hard.

    Because if she doesn't, I'll fly up to 'Burgh and punch her snooty mother out for even throwing a look of disdain in your direction.

    No one messes with my bitches.

    Or gets in the way of Little Man's bitches when they want to walk the balance beam.

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  41. I am totally mystified by plastic people. Go for it, every week, the plastic people need to get real! They need your help. It's your mission, if you'll accept it.

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  42. anglophilefootballfanatic.com5:12 PM

    That's my girl, BBM. If you were perfectly coiffed, I'd not like you. And, seriously? What country club does this lady belong to? Pennies in loafers went out in 1984. This wouldn't happen to be Little Gym would it?

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  43. Dang... you just need me as a mama in that class. I could out embarrass you. Without even trying. Heh.

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  44. This had me LOL! At work no less. Love the descriptions! And the name. Awesome!

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  45. That woman sounds like she stepped out of the 80s!

    I was trying to come up with some kind of great retort for you, but I've never been very good at that. It'll probably come to me in a couple of days!

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  46. I would consider it a personal challenge to annoy Perfect Mom every week. I have a neighbor like that...

    Keep us posted!

    Kimmy

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  47. lol! I just love your comment section as much as I do your posts!

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  48. Just remember that if you DO punch her next time give her two black eyes. For matching purposes of course.
    And pennies? In loafers? That is so friggin weird.

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  49. Dude, the mom's on drugs and so are her kids.

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  50. No she didn't, someone needs to teach her some manners. Show some pictures when you do.

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  51. you do understand that it is your parental duty to embarrass your child. even if she declines to be embarrassed, it has GREAT value as a weapon to fight the mom extraordinaires of the world.... who should be shot.

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  52. Dude. GME sucks. Her kids are the ones who should be embarrassed. I mean really. Who still wears penny loafers?

    Next time you see GME tell her that her sparkly skinny belt and pleats are bitchin' from me. Rad.

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  53. I think you should have jumped up and down and clapped and said "Yeah, do it again Alexis!" Seriously, she is TWO years old and obviously excited about something that she loves to do. Robo-Mom may have little soldiers, but your little girl is having something these children don't seem to be allowed to have - A Life!

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  54. Dude. The kids are TWO. There is no such thing as rude yet!

    I have no aspirations to be like Perfect Mommy. If I were you, I'd excel at being Rude Toddler's Sarcastic Embarassing Mommy. :O)

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  55. I am guessing Little Gym. Why? Because I met my own GME at ours. That's why we no longer go there.

    I HATE moms like that! I've been mothering for almost eight years now and I find one every place we go. Extraordinary mommies and me - good enough mommy don't mix well.

    I hate to tell you, but it just gets worse. Just wait until elementary school. Oh the embarrassment that will await you. But just think of it as good blogging, that's what I do.

    If I were totally in the Burgh, we'd be friends and we'd make fun of the gym mom together.

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  56. Are you serious? There is someone out there who is still donning actual pennies in her penny loafers! What a flashback to...whatever year that was, but I think I was in high school, and that was the early 80's.

    Oh I would SO have a problem not losing it on that lady!

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  57. I always think the people who sing along at Mommy & Me class sound like toolbags. I feel embarassed for them.

    Perfect mom sucks - I bet she gives out candy corn for Halloween.

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  58. OK-You and I are IDENTICAL in the gymnastic gym with the toddler-shoes, no singing the gym songs, and all. Seriously. I can't believe I did the exact.same.thing. Wow!must be the pennsylvania dutch in me that makes us so similar!
    as for perfect mom? you just know what area her husband is lacking in-so she takes it out on you. poor thing. it must be so hard to be perfect and still not be rewarded for it;)
    as for pissing her off? GO BB Mom! I've been known to piss off TONS of moms with my parenting--and I still do it today and will continue to do it!

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  59. I am sure I will be an embarrassment to my child when he or she is born. Can't wait.

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  60. seriously the PARENTS are singing these songs?? It IS a class for the kids, right?? Wow that's just plain weird. I think snooty woman's babes may always be mindless doormats. Sometimes you gotta live a little.

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