Wednesday, December 31

A New Year's Wish for You

Apparently I am the only one who enjoyed the bliss that was a snore-free bedroom last night, so Mr. Husband conned me into running to pick the Bulldog up from her "spa" today. Daycare did their lovely thing where they close early but charge us for a full day, so I managed to pick Alexis up a few hours before our usual hour. It was just in time to hit a wondrous mass of traffic on the Parkway. WONDROUS, I tell you. It was the first time since living in Pittsburgh that I finally figured out why the highways that lead into Downtown are called "Parkways" here. Hello, parking lots!

As Alexis and I sat, not moving, on a major highway, Alexis launched into a sort of mood that is always certain to leave me laughing, crying, and sometimes doing both at one time. She's one of those kids who never shuts up stops talking, but the majority of the time she doesn't really care if anyone is listening. Today, however, it was all about being the center of the universe. I had .0307 seconds to reply to whatever she was saying OR ELSE. I don't really know OR ELSE what, just that I had better be a compliant little Momma.

Alexis tossed out a steady stream of questions and I absent-mindedly answered as I wondered why we hadn't moved so much as an inch in several minutes. I tried calling Mr. Husband to see if he could find out if there was a wreck, and if so where, but he was away from his desk.

Then I saw it happen.

Somebody used the bus lane to zip past a bunch of cars then forced their way back onto the Parkway.

Now, I know that sometimes when I'm hauling people all over the place, my car really does feel like a bus. BUT IT ISN'T A BUS. Neither is your white Neon. Or your burgundy Cavalier. And, oh my hell, seeing people think they are in a bigger hurry than any of the other hundred or so people on a road MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL.

*deep breaths*

Ahem.

Anyway, I was getting madder and madder as Alexis drilled me on important issues such as what we were having for dinner, where Meg was, where Daddy was, what color Goofy's pants are, and who knows what else. I was thinking of exactly how I could balance making sure I totaled our old Honda Passport while keeping the kid safe when Alexis completely interrupted my train of thought.

"I take Snow White's clothes off."

Alexis had a Snow White doll in the car. Apparently that doll was, at that moment, getting naked. In the back seat. Of our SUV. Then came a lovely little request.

"Momma, can you open Snow White's bum?"

"What?" I asked.

"Can you open Snow White's bum, please?" Alexis repeated.

Happy New Year to you, and I hope no toddlers try to open your bum in 2009!



(Thanks, everyone, for hanging with me for the past year! Y'all are THE BEST.)

28 comments:

  1. LOL! Nekkid Snow White!

    The Howler took a Barbie to Grandma's one summer--Barbie was totally tricked out in boots, pj shorts and well, okay, boots and pj shorts.

    I'm the only one who noticed.

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  2. I wish there were blogs, or for that matter, home computers when my kids were little. You are so lucky to have this forever on the web.

    My boys used to say the wildest things. At the time I would think to myself,"That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard and I'm sure to remember". I didn't.
    It went out of my head with the next "funniest thing I've evef heard."
    Have fun with your daughter. Don't wish her life away!

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  3. Wow, open her bum...is that the technical term? :)

    Happy New Year!

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  4. No, YOU! YOU'RE the best! Well, you and The Toddler. Dank YOU both! :) Although I suppose she's not saying that anymore (I wonder, as I wipe a little tear from my eye at the very thought of her outgrowing my favorite Alexis-ism).

    So, did you open up Snow White's bum, or was she able to remain unmolested in 2008? BWAHAHAHA!

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  5. I live a few blocks off a highway that is at the crux of an interstate. As you can imagine, the traffic from light to light can get pretty bad during rush hour.

    And of course, there are the people that think because they are turning right at the next light, they have the right to drive 40 mph down the effing SHOULDER. You know, where PEOPLE walk, where cars are pulling out of stores. It makes me SO irate for some reason, that often I ride half in the right lane and half in the shoulder with my Explorer so no one can pass me.

    Admittedly, this pisses a lot of people off and it actually makes me giddy when it does.

    However, I suppose I should be a little more careful of what I call these wonderful Americans, because I overhead my daughter calling one of her dollies she was mad at "a douche nozzle"

    Parenting in traffic is hard. :)

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  6. Poor Snow White. That's awfully personal. Did anyone ask her if she wanted her bum opened?

    Happy New Year!

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  7. Being stuck in traffic with a toddler is no fun - esp at dinner time!

    That is a hilarious question, how do you even go about answering that...um, no I can't..."

    Happy New Year to you also - I also enjoy seeing you pop up on my reader!

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  8. At least she wasn't screaming her head off while sitting in traffic. That's never fun! No bum opening going on around here!

    Happy New Year!

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  9. That child is simply too too much. At least she wasn't wearing Snow White and stripping in the car, right? And, I'm a maniac behind the wheel during traffic.

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  10. Dude! Are you freaking kidding me? I want your life. Trade me. NOW! :D

    Happy New Year!!

    hahaha (still laughing!)

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  11. Happy new year, my friend!

    Peace - D

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  12. I bet your next move was to say something perfectly parental like, "well, Alexis, we don't open other people's bums without their permission..." which shows what a fabulous mother you are.

    I would have responded with something like, "Look! A monkey! Right there!" all the time praying for them to forget they ever asked such a thing. I was all about avoidance, even then.

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  13. The question truly is.. what exactly she wanted her bum open for to begin with? Ah, the mind of toddlers, eh? LOL

    Happy New Year :)

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  14. What color ARE Goofy's pants? (Do I ever leave a comment that is remotely like any of the others?)

    Happy New Year!!

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  15. @Lisa--It took me a while, but I figured it out. Snow White has underwear painted on her, and Alexis wanted her underwear off, too. She didn't know the right words, and went with . . . um . . . an interesting choice instead.

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  16. I am SO RELIEVED that someone asked why, exactly, Alexis wanted the royal bum opened. Because I was truly wondering what she expected to find, and was busily scrolling down to the end of the comment form to ask just that.

    One mystery, solved.

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  17. Please tell me she didn't hear that phrase coming from your bedroom one late night when she was out hallwalking.

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  18. Yikes. No open bum please.

    Happy New Year!

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  19. happy, happy new year.

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  20. Hmm. I always try and think, after the deep breath, that the jerks who are cutting in line are trying to get to a hospital or have someone in the car having a baby or something. It saves me going through the whole high blood pressure thing. Happy New Year!

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  21. my word!!!
    happy new year :)

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  22. I will never forget that traffic. We used to live out past Monroeville and I had to drive through downtown and down 79 to get to work. It was amazing I even got there every day.

    Thanks for all the laughs this past year. Have a great 2009!

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  23. Goofy's pants are blue....

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  24. Happy New Year & thanks for linking to us! Straight allies rock!

    -- Heather @ Freedom to Marry

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  25. What on earth did that mean? Does Alexis have some other doll whose bum opens?

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  26. I may have had my bum opened for Christmas, but it wasn't by a toddler.

    Sorry. I couldn't resist.

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