Tuesday, December 9

What Not to Wear (In My House)

'Tis the season. The season for all the moms and grandmas to go shopping for that very special little dress for that very special little girl. It's no secret that I'm uber-conservative in my opinions of kids clothing. I don't like pink, I don't like ruffles, and I don't like anything that reminds me of Mimi from The Drew Carey Show. I prefer simple clothes for Alexis and find most of her stuff on the clearance racks at the Gap Outlet.

Which is why I have never bought her a "Christmas dress." That's not to say she's never had one; I leave that to my mother-in-law. Who likes pink. And ruffles. And girly stuff. You see, she has a bunch of boys, and never had a chance to shop for a baby girl until Alexis came along.

Despite the fact that we don't necessarily like the same kinds of little girl clothes, I think we can agree that certain standards should be maintained when it comes to buying a Christmas dress for Alexis. Now, that isn't to say that there is anything wrong with any of these things, they just aren't right for Alexis. And maybe all of humanity.

Alexis is a Northerner. Odds are she'll have snow for Christmas, and if she doesn't? She will surely have freezing temps. It's a fact. So, why-oh-why so many places around here carry sleeveless dresses for kids is beyond me. Especially sleeveless wedding dresses parading around as Christmas dresses. In toddler sizes.


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I know, I know. That's a pretty dress. FOR ME, NOT FOR MY 2-YEAR OLD. Personal taste, n'at.

This is another one that's not all that bad:


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However, if you look REAL close, you'll notice that kid's legs are all bruised and beaten. That's because she can't see her feet around all that fluff and she's continually looking at the flower petals as they shift around inside that dress. Or, at least, that's what Alexis would do. I can absolutely picture the kid running into walls, tables, and Bulldogs while she stares at petals and tries to take the exact right step as to shift one two inches to the left.

I don't think I even need to tell you why this? Would be a VERY VERY VERY VERY bad idea for Alexis. Or any kid.


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In all honesty, that would be a bad idea for ANYONE. Especially me.

Also falling into the category of making me look real bad is this little trio:


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Sure, Alexis and I are smashing in our matching pajamas, but that's in OUR house. Not public. And we sure as hell don't include Baby Shell in our 70's retro matching scheme.

BTW, 1970 called and it wants it's velvet and gingerbread men back:


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I don't know who wants this back:

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Pink + red + green = My eyes bleeding cause I stuck a spork in them.


I have no comment:


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Nope, no comment.

Everywhere you look, there are Christmas dresses with aprons. Nothing says Stepford Wives stuck in the 60's like teaching your kid that she should be in the kitchen baking cookies with her cheery little apron on, y'know.


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But, at least the Stepford dress doesn't look like an elf costume.


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Note: Costumes are for Halloween. Any usage of them beyond the parameters of Halloween is WRONG. (I'm talking to you, Miss I Keep Dressing Up as Belle at School Every Day.)

Finally, I recently took Alexis to see Madagascar 2, which prompted her to turn into a huuuuuge fan of Gloria. We spent weeks trying to score the "girl hippo" toy at McDonald's. We failed, and I know Alexis would be very happy to find that hippo under the tree on Christmas morning. That's no reason to take things this far, though:


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51 comments:

  1. Pink do-me boots for kids? I'm sticking with Hanna Andersson and LL Bean.

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  2. wow... just wow... Having seen years of Jean Benet, it's hard for me to believe that anyone still does this. Stand your ground.

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  3. Right this second, I'm glad all I have to worry about dressing is a boy. Red sweater, white shirt, black pants.

    Done.

    I did buy my niece a blue and white, with snowmen, dress/jumper. Totally SEASONAL rather than traditional Christmas red/green/black. Cute and only $16!

    Her mom is sure to HATE it.

    Job well done :)

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  4. These might be scarier than the freaking doll pictures...

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  5. @Uncle Crappy--My work here is done. Thank you!

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  6. absolutely hideous! Where do you find all those crappy clothes? *shudder* My Mom's the one always buying Sis the tacky stuff. Thing is Sis likes it! She also doesn't care if her teeth are brushed before she goes to school...hair either *double shudder* If I weren't here to bump her in the right direction she'd have no teeth AND she'd be wearing a corduroy gingerbread jumper, complete with turtleneck and maybe the stripey tights too. I just hope she grows out of all of it - soon. Good luck.

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  7. OH MY! LOL! The only thing I now feel the need to say (since I had to wait for MY eyes to stop bleeding in order to comment) is that even if your MIL goes a little overboard, cut her some slack.

    As the mother of only sons and one seriously post-baby-upon-purchase girl, I know all to well how itchy the fingers of the baby-daughterless women of my generation get when given the possible opportunity to dress up such a living doll as Alexis. Believe me, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that you could put on that kid (even any of that craptastic display above) that would even marginally mar her cuteness. Besides, when she is a teenager you ARE going to need LOTS of blackmail fodder available to help keep her in line.

    So, put on the dress, take some pictures, thank the MIL, and then ask Alexis if she wants to go change into something more comfortable. The MIL wouldn't DARE make her precious grandbaby be uncomfortable for one more minute than necessary, so you are good to go. Unless, of course, Miss Cuteness actually LIKES it.. then you are just screwed. Get use to it. It will happen more and more as she gets older! LOL! Someday she will have kids and you can buy them hideous garb. It's just that old circle of life thing in action. ;o) xoxo

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  8. delurking:
    shoot me now but I kind of like that elf costume.
    ; )

    You can find the gloria hippo toy on ebay
    http://shop.ebay.com/?_from=R40&_trksid=m38&_nkw=gloria+hippo+McDonalds&_sacat=See-All-Categories

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  9. I really just want to know how you find all of the scary clothes and dolls! But really who doesn't want to dress their daughter up like a whore, um, rock star. And to be able to dress mom, daughter and doll, come on, what 70s family doesn't want to do that. heh!

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  10. I never did understand the sleeveless dress thing, for adults or kids. It's winter and it's freezing. The men are walking around in shirts and coats, with pants, and us women are supposed to freeze our asses off?!

    Hope Alexis gets a pretty dress this year. I've seen tons of them that I thought were cute. What gets me is, why is the only option for boys, an argyle vest? WHY?!?

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  11. Sweet. Fancy. Moses.

    I... I don't even know what to say.

    *gouges eyes with spoon to try to remove third "outfit" from vision*

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  12. Maybe I'm glad that I have boys after all. The worst we get are jon-jons.

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  13. Oh, no, I would totally dress my Bun in that 'elf' costume. I'm bad like that.

    The rest of these clothes I would have to burn after taking a picture of either of my girls in them. "See she wore it!" Well except for that pink beauty queen get-up. that's just creeptastic.

    ciao,
    rpm

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  14. Maybe you need a darling Bailey Boys outfit with jon jon themes going on? Cause that hasn't been mentioned in a while & needs to be brought up again.

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  15. Dude, you've been playing on Etsy ;-)

    Too funny. I like cute, but sometimes it goes way too far.

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  16. Personally, we like the Osh Kosh outlet. I scored an adorable corduroy jumper for like $9. But Gap comes in a close second. Those outfits? Make me glad I had two boys first...

    And if I had only known you wanted that durn hippo...I just (secretly, of course) pitched three of them.

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  17. ....okay, you know I want a little girl perhaps a bit too badly when a few of those choices looked pretty darn cute to me.

    the pink Christina Aquelera (sp???) number...holy jeez.

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  18. I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.

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  19. You have found a whole new level of hideousness there. I am impressed.

    There are no words for some of those...

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  20. while most of that is either bad or seasonally inappropriate for much of North America...

    Is it wrong I really like the velvet and gingerbred number? Its so cute!
    and the elf? yeah, I kinda like that one too.

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  21. OMG - the pink pageant outfit - LOL!!!!

    I think they make all the holiday dresses sleeveless so that you are forced to buy a fancy jacket/fur coat/cardigan to go on top. Those things cost an arm and a leg! I'd rather just throw a long sleeve shirt under all that sleeveless nonsense. Yes, even here in San Diego.

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  22. Dude! This was a very fun post. Having three daughters, none of whom like dresses, very fun.

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  23. Oh good Lord. Those are hideous! Well, except for the first one, which is gorgeous. For A WEDDING. Sheesh!

    I was just walking around Target and noticed how all the little Christmas dresses are short sleeved. What is up with that? It is 12 degrees here today. And Christmas will probably be colder! Poor little girls.

    That being said, if I ever have a little girl I'm afraid she'll never get out of pink, peach, lavender, and plum. I have THREE boys you know. ;)

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  24. Now really. What is wrong with a little color now and then? Lol.

    I agree about the lack of sleeves. I think it is an evil plot started by Kelly Rippa. Once she got her arms in shape she decided the world had to have skinny arms too, and no sleeves.

    Okay, maybe not. That just came to mind cause I am clever like that.

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  25. OMw thanks for the laugh! What utter rubbish! It must've taken you hours to find all that!

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  26. @Jeanette--Sadly, no. Just Google "Christmas dress toddler" and there you go. All the sins against fashion that you can possibly imagine instantly pop up.

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  27. I'm not a parent, nor do I have any nieces. I'm one of the least fashion conscious people in the world. But dear God, if I saw anyone with a child dressed like these poor girls, words would be said, and I'm sure it would include things like "Holy f*ck!", "Are you trying to blind me?" and "That is unfathomably awful. We're talking you're off the pukebucket scale. You should be arrested for child abuse."

    I'm subtle like that. :)

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  28. @Three--You just made me spit coffee all over my computer screen. Thanks!

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  29. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

    make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  30. I really have nothing to add on those, uhm, dresses? However, I do have the McDonalds Hippo. Does Alexis still want it? I've got too many of those dumb toys that start talking with every little movement. I was driving down the road the other day kid free and I kept hearing talking. I thouht I was losing it for a little while there! Alas, it was just the lion jabbering away everytime a turned a corner!

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  31. I guess it's wrong that I would so be changing her into that first dress with a cute sweater and those twirly gem hair thingys when you weren't looking? lol

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  32. Oh ewwwwww! Those are awful.

    We were given a dress for Amy to wear on Xmas day by my grandmother. It's blue and cotton (summer here, although you can't tell) with a few ruffles. But the best bit? It's going to reach nearly to her ankles. Yay for not having a mini skirt!

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  33. Yeah, well, the toddler options are better than the options available in sizes larger than 6x.

    If I wanted my daughter to look like a hooker, I'd just let her run naked and call it a day. Ugh.

    I go for fugly over slutty.

    btw, I may be able to connect you with a Gloria. Will let you tomorrow (seriously.)

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  34. Genius. The selection of absurd little girl outfits you posted was just brilliant. You know what else is absurd? The sheer amount of strappy sandals and short-sleeve outfits available in winter, and even more absurd, the amount of people who wear them here, in NY, where winter is pretty damn cold. I understand suffering for beauty (eyebrow plucking and high heels), but this is absurd.

    I like pink and sometimes I can tolerate a ruffle, but I hate those too-girly outfits too!

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  35. this is why I don't buy my kid a Christmas dress- she wears pants and a nice top- at least that I can manage to put together into a modest and reasonable outfit.

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  36. *Rejoicing yet again for my male child*

    Umm ... I admit, though, I like the elf dress. *hangs head in shame*

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  37. Sorry BB, didn't mean to make you spit coffee ... but then again, I'm absolutely renown for those "OMG, he really just said that" moments. :)

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  38. Whoa, those are some gaudy dresses! But I have to admit, I kinda like the 1970's-lookin gingerbread one! ::blushing::

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  39. For once, you have found me at a loss for words. Wow. Just. Wow.

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  40. OK. I actually think the elf costume one is really cute.
    At least you've got choices. With two boys my options are: polo shirt, dress shirt, dress shirt with vest, sweater, or uh, that's it. Well, maybe a dress shirt with tie. Oh wait! Dress shirt with tie and VEST! My goodness look at those options.

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  41. And just like that, you've reminded me once again how thankful I am to have boys. We have none of this fashion creepiness in my house.

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  42. Why is it that most holiday dresses are sleeveless? Hello, it's cold up here in the winter!!!!!

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  43. That last one is TOTALLY out of control. That poor, poor child...

    And that first one... I thought you were showing us what you were wearing to your company party or something. Seriously.

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  44. Yeah, what's with the sleeveless Christmas dresses for little girls? I think it is just so you have to also buy a sweater to go with the dress.

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  45. um, i'd totally disturbed by that "pageant" outfit

    and that odd patchwork thing, that poor little girl, i'd look that sad if my mom made me wear that too.

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  46. Dear Burgh Baby,
    I lost my gingerbread, flannel, velvet dress from when I was a kid in the 70's. Can you please send it back? I was kinda saving it for my daughter.

    Hugs,
    hellpellet

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  47. That first dress is so pretty... for an adult! What the heck is it doing in a toddler size?

    You say that pink two-piece number would be a bad idea for anyone, but not for a whore. I'm sure it would be perfect to pick up some johns. Again, not in toddler size, cause that's nasty.

    And you know why all the dresses come as sleeveless--so you have to spend money on matching sweaters!

    Hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

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  48. Little Miss "Days Numbr'd"'s days will most CERTAINLY be numbered if she leaves the house wearing that thing ... Just think of the insults and jokes that will follow her for the rest of her life. Kids can be brutal!

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  49. Not being a mom and therefore not exposed to these things, I have only three words "Oh My God"....

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  50. There are no words...

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  51. Maybe instead of digging like this, I should send Alexis an outfit....

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