Friday, May 1

Five Things that Scare Me More than the Swine Flu

1. Mystery wet spots--Get your head out of the gutter, I'm not talking about THAT kind of wet spot. I'm talking about the kind that I sometimes step in during the middle of the night while walking down the hall. Every time it happens, I'm frozen in fear. Was it one of Cody The I Refuse to be Fully Housebroken Pup's fabulous pee spots? Did the cat puke up five gallons of dog food? Is it poop? If so, who was the pooper? Is Nashea Davenport hiding in the closet? The fear of not knowing if it is in fact some sort of bodily discharge that has squished up around the bottom of my nekkid little feebie is the stuff of nightmares. *shudders*

2. Creepy dolls--Oh, I've shut up about them, but that doesn't mean the things aren't still frightening enough to make me want to sit in the corner, curled up in the fetal position and whimpering. Who could ever forget this face? *whimpers*

3. Bulldog farts--It starts with the unmistakable sound of a wet stream of air puffing out of the Bulldog's ass. When I hear it, I freeze in place, afraid to so much as blink for fear that any movement whatsoever will cause the air to shift and will force the odor to waft my way. *cries*

4. Zac Efron's eyebrows--Have you ever really looked at those things? They totally give me the heebie jeebies. They look like two giant, well-pruned, hairy caterpillars. Every time I see him (and that's a lot since we live and breath High School Musical these days), I cringe, just waiting for those caterpillars to spring to life and attack me. *winces*

5. Herds of small children--I am petrified of picking Alexis up from daycare early because I know that the second I walk in that door, 20 short people will surround me. They bring with them screaming, interrogations, snot, and enough energy to power New York City for years. If they were to get organized, I'm positive that a large group of 3-year old kids could take over the universe. Just imagine the things they would make us grown-ups do. Like watch hours and hours of High School Musical. *runs away screaming*

PS--Never, ever do anything JanePitt tells you to do, or you'll need to expand your list to six things that are scarier than swine flu.


  1. Okay, funny post! Doesn't it amaze you how people have the energy and patience to take care of that many young children every single day?

  2. I bet you were just waiting for the right post to come along to use that picture with :-)

  3. What in the HALIBUT is that THING?! A cricket mated with a spider's offspring? Zac's eyebrows, shaved, and come to life? And why does it look so happy?! It's probably going to eat the world, morph into a flying creature and multiply in the hundreds of thousands. GAH

  4. oh damn those creepy dolls!

  5. Ugh, why did I click? It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I figured it would just be the chicken in a can (which is nearly as frightening).

  6. @Jayna--That's a brand spanking new photo, actually. No waiting was required!

  7. I'm with you on the wet goo and creepy dolls. My great grandfather used to bring me a new porcelin doll every time he visited. The ones with the real looking eyes, you swore followed you everywhere. My mother insisted on keeping them displayed. Every night I would collect them all and line then up by height in my closet and shut the door. If that closet door had ever came open on it's own...I would still be screaming years later. (Hugs)Indigo

  8. Anonymous7:18 PM

    There's a stanza of a dog haiku poem that goes something like:

    My owners' mood is
    Romantic. I lie at their
    Feet, farting gently.

    Our "grand-dog"'s farts can paralyze at 50 feet. :-(

  9. That is the creepiest doll I've ever seen. Someone gave Rebecca a smiling porcelain doll that is creepy, because the evil smiling baby has teeth, and they just look weird. But Alexis' freaky baby doll tops teeth baby hands down.

  10. So you are probably not a big fan of "Chucky" either - I mean he is Ugly and Psychotic at the same time!

    Thanks for that up close and personal view of that bug - I don't mind bugs, but I sure don't need to see them that close!

    Dog farts are the worst, no matter what dog they come from.

    What's wrong with caterpillar eyebrows, I have one that goes from end to end! :)

  11. If you aren't usually so darn funny, I would have to stop reading this blog after that P.S. I absolutely and always do the opposite of what people say, so of course I clicked on TO DO before I clicked on Jane Pitt. JESUS!!

    UGH! I haven't even had any coffee yet;)

    Feel free to send the kiddos my way for the next round of HSM marathons though--this is one guilty pleasure for me. sigh. When will I ever grow up?

  12. Imagine what Zac Ephron's eyebrows will look like when he's 55.

  13. HP--OMG. Those things are going to crawl into his ears. YIKES!

  14. Anonymous12:06 PM

    Oh LORD!! Why, oh why did I click? And creepy dolls? I had a life sized one that my cousin called Bloody Mary....and then she told me a story about dolls coming to life.....I still can't even have a stuffed animal in my bedroom and I'm going to be 40 something!