Tuesday, July 21

Part 3: A Looooove Story

Once upon a time there lived a man and a woman. They were in loooooove. In fact, they were so in loooooove that they didn't need a silly piece of paper or legal designation to declare their loooooove, they just knew they were going to be in loooooove forever and ever and ever. Amen.

One day, the loooooovers decided they needed a house to contain their loooooove. They searched high and low for one big enough and perfect enough for their loooooove, but no such place seemed to exist in all of Pittsburgh. So, they decided to find someone to build them a house for their loooooove. The searched and searched, until at least a company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda said they could definitely build a perfect loooooove house. The happy couple asked for the biggest house The Company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda could build.

"Well, we can build you a 6000 square foot house," The Company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda said.

"Um, we are really, truly, deeply in love, but maybe you could build us something just a little bit smaller?" the loooooovers asked.

"Of course!" The Company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda said. "How about 3400 square feet? We could even finish the basement for you, so really you would have over 4500 square feet of livable space."

The happy couple quickly agreed.

As the process moved on, the man said to the woman, "Sweety Schmuffins, I know this house will be the house of your dreams. It should be the house of your dreams. In fact, it should be your house. Why don't we put everything in your name so that it will be Your Dream House?"

"That's a great idea!" she replied. "I think I'll get every possible upgrade for my Dream House. Wood floors, here I come!"

And so it came to be that the woman secured a Dream House loan in the amount of $278,000. She knew it would be her Dream House, and she knew that her loooooover would be there with her every step of the way.

The time finally came to move into Her Dream House, so the happy couple and their kids gathered up all of their worldly belongings and carefully placed them in their new home.

A few months went by, and the woman began to want to do some fancy things to Her Dream House. She wanted to build a deck, pour a concrete sidewalk, maybe plant a tree or two, upgrade the crappy bathroom fixtures, and all the things that The Company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda doesn't do when they sell a happy couple a home. She talked to her loooooover about all of her big ideas, and he suggested that they wait a little bit.

The woman was not happy. She glared at the man for a moment, and then stormed out to go to work.

The man stood staring at the closed door, trying to think of ways he could make his loooooover happy again. He knew he didn't have enough money for a deck or sidewalk, but he did have enough money for a little paint. So, he rushed out and bought a couple of gallons of paint, with the brilliant idea to paint the room where loooooove gets busy.

He worked and he taped and he painted and he worked, slowly making his way across the giant bedroom with his magical paint of loooooove. Just as he stood back to admire his progress, the woman returned home. The man grinned as she walked up the stairs, just waiting for the moment when his loooooover would be overjoyed at the sight of the paint and throw him to the bed in an act of loooooove.

"What are you doing?" she asked.



"Surprise! I'm painting our room!" he replied.

"Red? You're painting our bedroom red?" she asked.

"Doesn't it look great?" he replied.

His question was met with silence as the woman slowly looked around. Finally, as she looked up at the ceiling, she said, "How are you going to fix that?"



"Oh, that's no problem. I can touch that up, baby," he replied.

"When do you plan to finish all of this?" she continued.

"Well, baby, you know I don't really have a job right now. I'm pretty sure I won't have enough paint, so maybe you could go get a few more gallons? If you do, then I'll be able to finish it in the next couple of weeks. Just as soon as I beat that song on Guitar Hero, I'm all over it," he said.

"What happened to the money I gave you?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah. Me and the guys are having a band rehearsal in the garage tonight, so I had to buy some beer. You know how it is, baby," he replied.

"Oh," the woman said.

And then she saw it.



She gasped, her eyes burst wide open as she stared intently at the red spot. She walked closer then finally drew her finger over the splotch of red paint on the closet door.



"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she asked. "That looks horrible."

"What do you mean? I think it looks fantastic, baby," the man defensively replied.

It was at that moment that the woman snapped. "GET OUT!" she shouted.

"What?" he said.

"GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE."

"Sweety Schmuffins, you can't really mean that," the man said.

"Really? I can't?" she replied as she stormed out of the room. She raced to the phone and immediately called a moving company. She told them to bring a truck right that minute.

Overhearing the conversation, the man grew angry. "Oh, yeah?" he said. "You want to play like that? Well, if I'm not living here NOBODY is living here," he shouted as he slammed a fist through the wall.

"I can't believe you just did that," she screamed.

"Oh yeah? Well, how about this?" he said as he cut the pipes to the faucets in the kitchen sink.

The woman glared, disbelieving. Finally, she picked up the phone to call the moving company again. She had decided that she was not paying for a house if it had a hole in the wall and messed up faucets. She needed a bigger truck because not only was she moving out, she was taking all of the man's belongings as well.

A truck pulled up in the middle of the night and a small army of men hauled out every single item from the house, including some light fixtures, faucets, and air return covers.

And that is how the house came to be abandoned for two years.

And kinda, sorta, maybe is how we came to buy a 3-year old, five bedroom, five 1/2 bath house for under $200,000.

Er, we do know the not married and moved out in the middle of the night parts are true. The rest might or might not be true.

Either way, I'd like to kick the person who got red paint on the ceiling. Hard.

Anybody got access to DNA testing? Cause I have plenty of DNA I can use to make sure I'm beating up the right person.

39 comments:

  1. Wow. Just Wow. The previous owners here painted the dining room red like that, complete without removing anything like switch plates etc. Not only does it look like crap but the paint also has glitter in it. GLITTER! Who does that? Glitter on the front porch, glitter on the highway...I don't care if those aren't the words...

    Good luck?

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  2. Wow. Is there enough primer in Pittsburgh to fix that?

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  3. Yikes, but it still doesn't make my jaw drop nearly as far as my house did. There were NINE (I counted) shades of pink paint in my house, ranging from "blush" to "Pepto-Bismol". The upstairs carpeting was a dusty rose. My kitchen has teeny bright pink tiles as a backsplash while the rest of the kitchen is a dull sponge-painted yellow. My bathroom is true 1950s Mamie Pink tile, along with the bathtub, sink, and toilet.

    Then there were the murals in EVERY. SINGLE. BEDROOM. Oh, and the bamboo grass wallpaper in the dining room and living room that took three weeks to remove. Did you know that grass biodegrades? The previous owner's parents did not.

    I would have been grateful for red paint in my bedroom.

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  4. *cowers in a corner*

    I painted my bathroom that color in our first house . . aAnd I got paint all over the ceiling . . . that I never could fix right. But it was a really tiny bathroom!!

    Good luck with that :-)

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  5. A red bedroom? Yuck! Why don't you just start a rainbow no the ceiling with the red paint, then you won't have to get rid of it. HAHA.

    Sweet deal on the house, though!

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  6. Holy macaroni! After flipping through your flickr stream of the red room.....I have to say, that's special. And who the heck was painting the room? A blind schizophrenic with Tourette's syndrome? Good luck with that...

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  7. OMG. That's the best Love Story Ever. hahaha that red spot on the closet door is effing fantastic.

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  8. I'm still dying that you paid less than $200k. Even with the housing market tanked, I couldn't buy ANYTHING around here for less than $200k. I mean - you can't buy a studio apartment for less than $200k. My one bedroom + den condo that we lived in previously cost $270k.

    PS - I guess nobody told lover boy about the joys of primer.

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  10. First of all, BRILLIANT STORY. :) Second of all, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me this DNA of which you speak if just finger prints pulled off the painter's tape?
    Also, I would not put it past Farfanda to have painted that room like that themselves. I can tell you stories, sister!

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  11. Wow. Just, wow.

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  12. OY VEY! Good story, and I bet its totally true!I am still impressed at the steal of a bargain you got with that house. You are soooo lucky. I am still pondering at the red square on the closet door... umm. Why?? I get the red in the bedroom for a "sensual" look, but it looks like a pig was murdered in there. What color are you going to change it to?

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  13. I'm all for bright paint colors and all, but that red is a nightmare. Not to mention the crappy job lover boy did.

    Nice work. And good luck!

    ciao,
    rpm

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  14. wow- that is a lifetime movie in the making right there - not only did you get a deal on the house, you hav a movie script so you can sell it and make millions!

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  15. @Megan81--Nope, not the tape. There are at least three empty Coke bottles and some other junk up on the ledge. Mr. Husband and I are placing bets on what exactly some of the things are because we can't quite see that high to figure it out for sure. When we finally get a ladder upstairs, it's going to be interesting.

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  16. hmm...now I know how the next people will feel about my house. I'm a painter of red. Our dining room is red (I think it's pretty). Our downstairs bath was red (but I just spent the weekend changing it to curry-orange). Our other rooms are also extremely, er, colorful.

    Meanwhile, we'd like to know why the people who owned OUR house before us walled up the dining room and stored cases of Modelo Especial between the drywall.

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  17. I think being the SECOND owner of a The Company Whose Name Might Sound Like Farfanda home is key - what a deal! I'm pretty sure that paint job easily knocked off $50K.

    I think that's the color I chose for our new bathroom...but it's sooo small and my DH is a very careful painter. Maybe you could paint it a chocolate brown?

    Oh, and always buy Valspar paint and primer ;)

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  18. @The Mommy-I'm using Valspar in Alexis' room, and so far I think I like Behr better. I have many, many Lowe's coupons, though, so Valspar still may win.

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  19. Haha--oh man, love the story.

    I know red can be hard to paint with, but there is no excuse for getting it on the ceiling and then painting a SQUARE on a door. WTF? That is insane.

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  20. That's just wrong. Especially the closet door. Oy.

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  21. Sounds like a great couple! Better luck to you in the new place!!! Maybe you should have a priest come to exercise the demons that possessed those nuts.

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  22. So, uhm... Yeah. Confession time.

    I'm a really, really crappy painter. I've had to cut out spots in Little Man's room's carpet where paint fell down. Red paint and Blue paint, to match his fire truck comforter.

    And his ceiling? Also looks like that.

    Although, in my defenes, his closet does not, because I was apparently not smoking what crappy ass painting previous owner was smoking.

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  23. I don't envy you that mess. Also? I've found that if it's an unpainted ceiling, primer is almost the same color as the plaster/mud/stuff. It would also hide red better than just about anything. Ouch.

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  24. That red is horrible. Maybe in a dining room, but bedroom? And getting swipes of red on the ceiling? Good luck... I suddenly feel grateful that our previous owners were just addicted to pink walls, pink floral wallpaper borders, burgundy carpet, and mirrored closet doors plus mirrors on nearly every wall.

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  25. Haha, that is great. We bought a foreclosure. Every single wall in the house was painted a different color. 5 different colors in just the living room, red, brown, dark green, yellow, and tan. It took us 6 days to repaint the entire house. If I never have to look at a paintbrush again I will be happy. The previous owners also thought it would be a good idea to unhook the dishwasher water hose, cut down all the plants in the yard, and cut all of the wires leading to the outdoor lights. It was really fun walking into the kitchen and finding water all over the floor after we ran the dishwasher for the first time. I'm still afraid that there is something I haven't found yet.
    That red is just awful. They did a miraculous job painting it on too :)

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  26. Great story. The Mommy is correct about the paint job shaving off a bunch of money from the selling price. It's amazing how a crappy paint job or really strong colors can scare away a lot people when it's such an easy fix. And cheap too. I love crappy paint jobs & strong colors when I buy. That's money in my pocket right there. Oh, and Kilz is your friend when covering that up. I'm going to be lovin' seeing your after pics. Have fun!

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  27. Ouch. That looks like it is going to be a project and a half. I am now thanking my lucky stars that the owners of our foreclosure were in debt deep enough to not be able to paint!

    How timely that I just saw a commercial for a new line of paint from Behr that combines the primer with the color - it is guaranteed to cover in one coat. Get thee to a Home Depot!

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  28. What a mess. Good luck.

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  29. Anonymous2:26 PM

    where does everyone get these coupons??

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  30. WOW - that redroom looks fantastic. Because nothing says looooove like the look of blood being poured on your walls!

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  31. @Anonymous--Lowe's coupons? Go on their website and tell them you're moving and they will send you dozens of $10 off $50 purchase, 10% off any item, and $25 off $250 purchase. TONS.

    They're also in the Sunday newspaper about once per month.

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  32. @Fishsticks--I have already tried that new paint Home Depot claims to be primer and paint in one, and dark colors still need two coats. They are LIARS.

    For as much painting as we have done, and it's a lot, I still haven't found anything that truly does well with one coat (unless you like battling drips because you put it on too thickly). I will never ever ever use Sherwin Williams paint again, Sears is OK, Valspar is seeming OK, and Behr is my favorite. So far.

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  33. Anonymous4:03 PM

    Sweet! Thanks :)

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  34. Wow. Just...wow. That was an amazing story, though. :) I'm glad you cleared up the DNA mystery, but the visual I got was full of not-good-outloud words. So, um, yeah - good luck with that!

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  35. Behr is best. Porter Paint is good too.

    WOWZA did they fark that up or WHAT?

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  36. 1. You could totally make a living writing childrens books. Or teen horror fiction.

    2. What is wrong with people? Red is a warm color. Warm colors do not belong in bedrooms. Somewhere Crayola crayons are crying...

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  37. Anonymous7:20 PM

    Benjy Moore paint seems OK too, my daughter is using it on her house.

    No matter what, it's going to take two coats to cover a wall *that* ugly. The only way to do it with one coat is to make it even uglier, black or something. Sorry, that's just the rules. :-)

    Don't forget to keep your Farfanda Fixing Fund up to date. If you do, you'll be ok; if you don't, the house will bite you in the butt.

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  38. Anonymous11:07 PM

    Great *story*!!! You totally crack me up! I can't wait to see the after pix!

    Justina

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  39. OH MY GOD, You are awesome.

    And prime the F out of it, and it'll go away. Pinky swear.

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