Sunday, August 23

Trouble Comes in Threes

On one shoulder sits an angel whose sole responsibility is to direct Alexis to do good. That angel strongly resembles The Rock. On her other shoulder sits a devil who squawks out bad ideas made of chaos and mayhem. That angel strongly resembles David Spade. More often than not, The Rock kicks David's ass all over the place. The kid is 3-years old, so of course once in a while David manages to squawk out some terrible, no-good idea, but it's only a matter of moments before The Rock shows up and smacks him around.

That is to say, Alexis is a goody two-shoes.

I'm OK with that. REALLY OK with that.

I can leave a whole bag of candy sitting open on a table and the kid will take exactly one piece. She may be tempted by the spirit of that butthead David to partake in a few more pieces, but The Rock runs the show. He'll keep her in line.

It helps that she really isn't the biggest fan of junk food I've ever seen. (The title Queen of Junk, Crap, and Otherwise Bad Food is me. Clearly the universe has a sense of humor when matching kids with parents.)

So, it was no surprise when Alexis continuously walked right past a table full of cookies, brownies, cake, and other junk at the daycare picnic. It was even less of a surprise that she stepped right over a mountain of Tootsie Rolls that were left on the ground after a piƱata experiment gone awry. Between her general ignorance of the bliss that is junk food and The Rock smacking David around, I didn't even have to think the words, "Stay out of the junk food, please."

Until Trouble showed up.

Trouble is Alexis' bestest friend in the whole wide world. She's not really trouble so much as she is Alexis' partner in fun. The two of them are nearly the exact same age, so they've been in the same classroom practically their entire lives. Every day I hear about the Tales of Trouble and Alexis. One minute they are begging to spend the night at the other one's house, the next minute they are both in time out for getting into a cat fight. One minute they are grinning at each other as they whisper plans and intentions, the next minute they are yelling, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND," at each other.

I seriously have no idea how they would survive without one another.

Trouble has a sweet tooth. Trouble's sweet tooth has Tootsie Rolls written all over it. When Trouble saw the mountain of Tootsie Rolls, she immediately dropped down and started cramming them in every pocket, crevice, and nook she could find. She managed to cordon off the area, her eyes darting to and fro as she worked to scoop up dozens and dozens of pieces of candy.

When she realized she was out of places to hide Tootsie Rolls, Trouble went looking for Alexis. Of course, the two of them are seldom more than two feet apart, so that was an easily accomplished mission. Then the two of them picked up another friend ( I like to call that kid Third Wheel because she always hangs with Trouble and Alexis, but she's never going to manage to get in "tight" with the two of them. It's not her fault--she started going to the daycare a year after the other two, so the bond was already impermeable.), and then headed over to a nearby picnic table.

All of us parents stood back and watched as the three of them conspired to destroy the pile of Tootsie Rolls. Trouble's parents mused at how the kid never met a Tootsie Roll she didn't want to eat. Third Wheel's parents shared that the kid never met junk food she wouldn't consume. I proclaimed that I was surprised Alexis was even eating the things. She hadn't liked the one I had given her a few months prior, and ended up spitting it out and putting its slimy remains into my hand.

"Peer pressure," we all said in unison. It seemed that the only explanation was that Alexis had just fallen victim to Tootsie Roll Peer Pressure.

She ate and she ate, working hard at keeping up with the other two, the two who were obviously pros. You could almost see that jerkwad David Spade jumping up and down on her shoulder, hooting and hollering and generally throwing a party. The Rock was nowhere to be found, so David was going all sorts of crazy.

Once the Tootsie Roll gorge session was over, Alexis sought out Mr. Husband to ask for a drink. As they bent over a bucket of iced juice boxes to make a selection, Alexis whined, "My belly hurts."

Mr. Husband replied, "That's because you ate too much candy." It was then that he noticed that Little Miss Prepared for Anything was still hoarding a huge wad of Tootsie Rolls in her mouth. She likes to see if she can make food last for hours by tucking it up into the roof of her mouth. Mr. Husband did the big ol' sweep of her mouth and cleared out the wad of candy, thinking that if her belly hurt, she really didn't need to suck down any more sugar.

Alexis walked over to me, having passed up the juice in exchange for a bottle of water. (See? I told you she's a goody two-shoes and picks healthy over junk ALL BY HERSELF.) "My belly hurts," she said.

I laughed.

She puked on me.

I stopped laughing.

She wasn't sick. In fact, right after hurling half-chewed Tootsie Rolls all over my arm, she was ready to find Trouble and Third Wheel and start causing more chaos. She was totally fine.

My dear Alexis, in about fifteen years (I refuse to acknowledge that it could very well be less LALALALALA *I can't hear you telling me you first drank when you were like 12 or whatever* LALALALALA), your friends are going to peer pressure you into a whole other kind of binge session. I think that little performance on Saturday proves that you'll be that kid. That kid who ends up passed out on the bathroom floor after several minutes of kissing the throne. Every time.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


  1. I love this post. Both because it's well-written, and also because WOO BOY, are you screwed. LOL ;)

  2. oh hell.
    I had something witty and then I got to that picture.
    M.. you're screwed.
    love ya

  3. On the upside...Miss Peach doesn't live nearby to give her more bad ideas;) I think the two of them together would be trouble!

  4. you. are. in. t.r.o.u.b.l.e.

    but it'll be darn cute to watch it unfold.

  5. God, Amy used to bypass junk for the healthy stuff too. Then my MIL and FIL kept stuffing her full of sweets when I wasn't around and gave her a full blown sugar addiction. I cut off her sugar today. I expect tomorrow is going to be fun.

  6. Anonymous8:29 AM

    Oh ho, you are screwed.

  7. My oldest isn't much for candy either. He actually leaves popsicles and ice cream bars half eaten from time to time. And he will play with his Halloween candy for weeks after the holiday is over and not actually eat any of it. Meanwhile, he'll wonder where all his candy has gone when he gets it out to play, and I'll be surreptitiously throwing wrappers way down deep into the garbage can. tee hee (more for me!!)

  8. Anonymous9:47 AM

    Cooper is starting to develop quite a little sweet tooth, but Maren is a lot like Alexis - both in terms of food selection, and in terms of caving to peer pressure . . . I suspect that is going to be a problem with her.

    What a cute trio! And the look on Miss Alexis's face . . . priceless!

  9. Peer pressure starts with Tootsie Rolls. With any luck, our kids' generation will leave it at Tootsie Rolls. I'm okay with that notion. :-)

  10. Doesn't look like she succumbed to the "get your face painted" peer pressure so at least there's that. Maybe no tattoos in her future then... hee hee...

  11. So cute.

    Also, good luck. Because you're absolutely correct. (I won't even TELL you how old I was when I started sneaking liquor...LOL)

  12. OMG that was a hoot!I was that girl too growing up. I was the goody two shoes, but only cuz my mama scared the heck outta me to be naughty! Alexis is a lucky girl and your doing a great job!! (psst! by the way.. Its a girl!)

  13. I'm sorry, did you say something other than The Rock? I got all fuzzy headed after you mentioned him.

  14. so cute, the three of them... this post was adorable.

  15. haha oh my god what a perfect alias for the devil - david spade. i love it.

    the picture really emphasises the day. i take it that's trouble with the chewed up tootsie rolls peeking out of her mouth? cute. lol

  16. Even in the picture it looks like she is saying, "I have no idea how this happened!"

  17. I have said it before, and I will say it again.

    Alexis is Moo.

    Be afraid.

  18. Well, if she ever was going to get into junk food, that might discourage her - silver lining? Of course it's easy for me to say, since I wasn't the one she puked on.