Tuesday, August 18

Using that Fancy Translation Degree They Gave Me at Kent State

When a three-year old says "I'm not tired," she really means, "I can barely hold my eyes open, and it's your fault. You must pay for your crimes. WAAAAAAH!"

When a three-year old says, "I want to wear my Minnie shoes," she really means, "I was wandering around the house in the middle of the night and decided we should play a fun new game. I hid my Minnie shoes under my pillow. I know you'll never find them there, and I'll LOVE watching you search everywhere. I bet smoke comes out of your ears when you try to decide whether to try to convince me to wear other shoes or to keep looking!"

When a three-year old says, "I need to tell you sumpin," she really means, "I hope you weren't trying to go anywhere important because I'm in the mood to just sorta stand here and stall for twenty minutes by repeating that phrase over and over and over. I'm never actually going to tell you anything, Sucka. HAHA!"

When a three-year old says, "C'mere, Cody," she really means, "I feel like torturing a small animal. You, the small black and white puppy, you look like you're fun to torture. Come hither so I may beat you."

When a three-year old says, "Where are my markers?" she really means, "I can't believe you haven't hung any art on this wall. I'll fix that right quick."

When a three-year old says, "I don't like that dress," she really means, "Let's play a guessing game! If you buy it, will I ever wear it? If you don't buy it, will I spend the rest of my life complaining about how that was the greatest dress ever made? Go ahead, make your choice. No matter what, you're going to lose!"

When a three-year old says, "I can't find my Zoe backpack," she means, "Find. it. now. I'm going to lose my shizznet in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . TOO LATE."

When a three-year old says, "I'm not hungry," she really means, "Good grief, I'm so hungry I could eat that mutt over there. You know what I won't eat, though? That crap you just put in front of me. I wonder if I whine enough if you'll morph into a short order cook and fix me up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?"

When a three-year old says, "I have a booboo. I'm going to die," she really means, "It's been at least four seconds since I had your undivided attention. This makes me sad. So, I'm going to be as overly dramatic as humanly possible because I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!"

When a three-year old says, "I love you," she means, "I love you." No translation required for that one.

29 comments:

  1. This is a fantastic post! Love this one!

    ("I need to tell you sumpin," is way worse when they are 17. Just saying...)

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  2. *SNORT* I love the "3... 2... 1... TOO LATE."

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  3. I love this! Perfect translation of the complicated 3 year old language!

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  4. The boo-boo thing, definitely. My kid fakes boo-boo's just to get attention.

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  5. Love it!
    Does your fancy translation degree work for babies or just 3 year olds? If so could you come over and ask Emma why she is screaming at the top of her lungs at midnight?

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  6. AWESOME! Maren's latest is to tell me, "I want something." I have exactly 2.5 seconds to figure out what it is that she wants, of the universe implodes. I bet you can guess how often that happens.

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  7. When a three-year old says, "I'm not hungry," she really means, "Good grief, I'm so hungry I could eat that mutt over there. You know what I won't eat, though? That crap you just put in front of me. I wonder if I whine enough if you'll morph into a short order cook and fix me up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?"

    That? Translates exactly the same for a teenage boy.

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  8. LOVED this soooo much... You are wonderful! You and Alexis both.

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  9. Hmm, good to know my fancy translation degree from Kent State will still be useful in another year. It sure gets a workout now with the two year old conversations.

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  10. Oh words. Oh beautiful words.

    I need your translation skills. What does "Ya. Nu gog nuh ya," mean? Cause OMG I can't translate small child who can't yet say words! And yes I know, you've heard him say words. But he seems to only say them to you. WTF is that about?

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  11. "Mommy, I'm not sure I was using my thinking brain" is THE worst thing I can hear.

    It usually means "I totally effed up something you really like."

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  12. I love this.
    And I'm waith @chasingalittlelion. WTF does "Bah! Bah! Ya ya, go holla?" mean?

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  13. I think more colleges should ofrer Toddler Translation 101. Moms (and dads) everywhere would be less dependent on Starbucks just to get through breakfast.

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  14. Simply true, and not just true for three year olds. A lot of it is true for 9 year olds too. I remember the days of the three year old. They are iconic for everything you wrote. I LOVED it.

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  15. Most of these work for a 4 year old too. Except since I have boys we don't really have the shoe/dress issues and in our house it's "Mommy, can I tell you sumpeen?" Followed by extended silence, punctuated by Ums from time to time.

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  16. You are quite talented. The degree certainly paid off.

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  17. Haha--love it.

    (And Alex is sitting here with me saying, "fun doggie! Fun Awexis!")

    Alex told me this morning that he loved me for the first time. I can't wait until it becomes a regular thing.

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  18. Good translating! About the marker thing... Please tell me my kid didn't create some art on any of your walls, because he had marker on his hands when we left?!

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  19. When Gracie was little, she would walk over to the bookcase and kick it and pretend to cry so I would kiss her boo-boo. Now she just asks me if I love her best. :)

    Good thing I love yous melt a mom's heart, huh?

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  20. LOL. Yeah, I used to tell people I can speak "brat" because nobody else seemed to understand her. 'Cept her mommy.

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  21. You certainly earned your degree! Did she really do the thing with the shoes?? MAN! Of course the love part is the best!

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  22. Dude. Spot on. I mean, seriously. BB did the, "I'm not tired," thing earlier. I was all, "Thou doth protest too much!" And he was all, "YOU WILL PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Vacation is exhausting.

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  23. @Elaine--Yes, she did. After I spent ten minutes trying to convince her to just wear different shoes, she was all, "Minnie shoes are in my bed!" ::eyeroll::

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  24. well. you have mad translating skillz. mad.

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  25. Wow. Kent's translation program must be really, REALLY good.

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  26. I love this, and can relate to all of it! Those three-year olds (well, mine is three at the end of the month...) are grand with their communication skills, aren't they? You just need to always remember the translations, and not take the words at face value for normal conversation. (That will get you in trouble right quick!)

    I can especially associate with "I'm not tired," (ZZZZZZ,) "I'm not hungry," (which is always followed by, "I have some [crackers|cookies|ice creamn samnwitch]?,") and our booboo one is "I need a band aid, it's bweeeding!" (No, it's not. I don't think you really even know what bleeding is, yet.)

    But, most definitely, "I love you!" sounds like exactly what it means, and is the highlight of any day.

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  27. @David--We gotta enjoy that "love you" one while we can. In a few years, that one is going to translate to, "I want something, but I think you're going to say 'no,' so I'm going to try buttering you up a bit."

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  28. I love it!

    I get something like the "I need to tell you summpthin" one a lot. Then there is a lot of repeating the same 3 words of a sentence. Then my head explodes. So you know some of this goes for 2 year olds too. :)

    And my heart still swells to hear the I Love Yous.

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