Monday, September 21

Choreographed Heart Attacks

She can gracefully traverse a 6-inch wide balance beam. She can carefully hold ballet poses longer than many adults. She can balance precariously on her tip-toes while on top of the back of the couch. She cannot, however, stand still on a perfectly level and clean floor without wiping out in spectacular fashion.

Alexis is a klutz.

Thuds, smashes, booms, crashes, and smacks are just a part of life with the kid. In fact, she falls down so frequently that I long ago stopped bothering to ask if she was OK after she randomly kisses the floor. You can tell it's just par for the course because 99.9% of the time, she bounces back up and yells, "I OK!" You gotta love a kid that is so used to hearing words that she doesn't realize when you don't say them. In fact, sometimes she'll say, "I OK! Danks for askin!"

When I went all wild and crazy and bought the kid a 25 cent beach ball at Target (WOAH! Look at me being a big spender!), I knew the purchase would lead to moments severely lacking in grace. I correctly predicted that she would miss a few catches and wind up with the ball smacking her in the face. I knew she would fall flat on her butt chasing the ball around the house. And I knew the second I saw her decide it was a good idea to sit on the ball that she would wind up practicing for a future career as a stunt double.

Of course I was right.

Her genius brain decided to not only sit on the ball, but to try bouncing on it. Mr. Husband cautioned her to stop. I cautioned her to stop. We cautioned her to stop simultaneously. We've been through the routine before, so we knew she was going to wind up flying off of that ball, across the room, and flinging herself into a wall. It's just what she does.

Since she doesn't believe anyone when they tell her she's going to get hurt, Alexis chose to keep on with the bouncing on top of the beach ball. And then, as predicted, she managed to contort just right and launch herself across the room like a cannonball. Mr. Husband and I held our breath as she landed with a resounding *thud* on the bedroom floor.

Alexis looked dazed for a moment, then sprung up and said, "That was part of the plan," as she went back to using the beach ball as a trampoline.

The problem with that genius line is that it proves what I've feared all along: she is planning to send us to our graves early through carefully crafted, stress-inducing feats of hazardous chaos.


  1. My oldest is a huge klutz too! One of the biggest reasons I hate Crocs (other than the fact that they're ugly and make his feet smell like ass) is that he is physically incapable of walking in them with falling in spectacular fashion. Parking lots. Our house. Sidewalk between our house and the park. They are a total lazy fallback for me, and I kick myself every time because he ALWAYS falls. But he comes by it honestly. I am constantly covered in bruises whose origins I cannot identify. My mom's the same way. As for the little one? Verdict's still out.

    p.s. I love "Danks for askin'" Don't you kind of wish certain speech impediments were socially acceptable so they could always talk like that? :-)

  2. You know, I ALWAYS make sure to have nothing in my hands or in my mouth when I sit down to read your posts. It's for a very good reason.

    Laughing the way I do gets messy. I prefer not to do messy.

    Flinging herself into the wall? I laughed so hard... mostly because I could picture it.

    And while my mind is drawing a complete and total blank on the real and actual name of the toy, there is a big bouncing ball thingy that you sit on with a handle on it that I'm betting Alexis would LOVE LOVE LOVE.

  3. I am such a klutz! Alexis sounds just like me. I can find a way to have an accident in the safest environment. I love her "it was part of the plan." Classic.

    Steph @ Stick It in the Fridge

  4. @Jill--THAT is why I loathe flip-flops. I mean, I've always hated flip-flops, but trying to get anywhere with a kid who keeps tripping over her stupid shoes is maddening on a never-before-seen-level.

    @The Sports Mama--I don't know what those bouncy balls are called either, but she has one. Why she thought the beach ball should be used as a substitute when the other thing was RIGHT THERE is beyond me.

    @Momma G--I'll save you a spot in the padded room I'm thinking of building for the kid. ;-)

  5. This could be a post about me. My nickname is grace. So I sympathize with the kid. I could totally envision her flying through the air with a resounding thud. Hilarious, and thank goodness it didn't phase her one bit. (Or harm her!)
    Good luck with that one. My mom could tell you horror stories about me in my childhood days and being the ultimate klutz. hehe.

  6. Anonymous8:20 AM

    Peanut also has one of those 25 cent Target balls. He likes to sit on it as well. Sadly for him, I think the ball weighs more. I took it away until he gains enough to be able to catch it without it knocking his skinny butt to the floor. :)

  7. Sounds like you were explaining me as well. I was (and am) only graceful on stage. I danced for 19 years. You would think that would make me graceful in every other aspect right.


    BB has inherited my crashiness. It's not great.

  8. Not to mention she has great comedic timing too.

  9. oh my goodness... I suspect that, the next time my clutziness shines through- I shall proclaim it all "part of the plan" in honor of Alexis.

  10. That was part of the plan! HAHAHAHA!!!! The child is a freaking genius. hehehe

  11. hahaha part of the plan, eh? when she starts pleading for a trampoline - i would distract her whole heartedly lol. broke my leg... twice... on one of those things as a kid. i can see alexis traveling down a similar path!


  12. BWAH! How did you not crack up?!

  13. Yeah, but 25 cents, what a steal! ;-)

  14. Part of the plan? Where does she come up with stuff like that? And will she be using that line when she backs the car into the garage door someday while learning to drive?

  15. OMGROFL!! "Part of the plan"!

  16. I made the mistake of getting Dylan one of those bouncing ball things with a handle. I don't know what I was thinking.

    I probably told you this story. A kid at the preschool I worked at had one of those balls and he was slamming it into a tree as hard as he could, so that it would bounce off the tree and bounce him backwards about 5 feet. Over, and over, and over, he did that, laughing his little ass off. I wish I had that on video because even now, thinking of it, I am cracking up.

  17. Anonymous3:03 PM

    "That was part of the plan." AWESOME! Cooper is a Grade-A klutz, and also has a problem falling down for no apparent reason. He too has taken to popping right back up and saying, "I'm okay." Cracks me up everytime.

    (And he is no longer allow to sit on the ball with the handle in the house . . . he managed to bounce straight into a wooden railing - doing more damage to the railing than to himself.)

  18. Are you sure she isn't watching Special Agent OSO (Juliana's favorite show of late); whenever he makes a mistake he says "It's all part of the plan...more or less".

    I saw this pop-up in my reader last night and immediately realized I was at my computer too late since I don't normally see your posts until morning.

    I'm hoping that the running into walls, falling off chairs and tripping over imaginary lines on the floor is just a stage with Juliana...although she doesn't appear to be improving. She fell off her chair at breakfast this morning and luckily I was able to catch her cereal bowl before it flipped off the table.

  19. @Jennifer--My hunch is that she got it from a teacher at daycare, who may very well have gotten it from Special Agent OSO.

    BTW, I was right about your blogger email being blocked. If you edit your profile and click the checkbox next to "show email" (or whatever it says), I'll be your bestest email friend. :-)

  20. Part of the plan? Paul my other half might agree. He wasn't introduced into my daughters life until she was a teenager. He swears up and down his goatee when solid white by the time she entered college. (Hugs)Indigo

  21. OK, I had updated a bunch of stuff in my Google profile this weekend. Now I just found the chek-box in my blogger profile, I think.

  22. my momma didn't name me grace for a reason so i am LOVING that your baby girl is as touched as i am (does she walk into walls also?). alexis rocks her independence and i love it. go kid!

  23. Anonymous10:37 AM

    "That was part of the plan" - I love it! Very creative!

    I still have a large version of the "ball with a handle to bounce on" at my parents - that one, at least, is called a "Hippity Hop"

  24. "That was part of the plan" is hysterical! The things these kids come up with!

    I really believe that kids bounce. They fall so much, but bounce right back up and are fine. I wish the same could be said for me...