Thursday, September 24

So This is Love. Huge Freakin Love.

I am in love with a girl.

Not that girl. Er, well . . . yeah, I *am* in love with that girl, but that's different. That was love at first sight. My new lady love was a little bit different. When I first saw her, my thought process went, "What the f . . . you have to be kidding me. What the hell? Why? Whu? Will I get caught if I stab her?"

But then I walked around for a few moments and pondered things further. A little careful consideration made me realize that I had truly encountered the girl of my dreams. There is so much potential for us to have a lifetime of fun, especially when holidays roll around.

Please say "Hello" to my new lady love.

Her name is Dora the Latina Whore, but you may call her OMG That's a Huge Freakin Dora.

I want her. In my front yard. BAD.

Here's the problem. OMG That's a Huge Freakin Dora lives at KMart. Yes, KMart. I go there something like twice per year, and I just so happened to walk in while they were trying to pretend it's 2006 and Dora is still cool. She's some sort of prop for some blahblahblah promotion. In other words, she's not for sale.

This is devestating.

I NEED that Dora. You see, I feel that she would be a most excellent addition to the massive amounts of awesome that I like to put in our front yard for the holidays. I would LOVE to slap a costume on her for Halloween and watch as the little kids all go running in fear. What's scarier than a 5' 6" blow up Dora? NOTHING.

And Christmas? OH MY HELLSY BELLSY! I could have sooooo much fun with the giant Latina Whore. It would involve Christmas lights and jingle bells and maybe some really big thong underwear and my brain just exploded from picturing all the fun I could have.


The G-20 is currently in Pittsburgh. That means downtown and the surrounding areas look pretty much like this:

(Photo credit)

So what I might be saying is that the authorities who would normally be responsible for making sure that Dora the Latina Whore is kept safe and sound are just a wee bit busy right now. It's very understandable that they are ensuring the health and safety of 20 world leaders and the entire city and not fussing over an inflatable Whore, right?


So, if I were to be encouraging criminal behavior, I might suggest that now would be an excellent time for a little Dora-napping plot. Y'all just have to distract the employees at KMart while I stick a nail in OMG That's a Really Freakin Huge Dora's behind. She'll go flat, some KMart employees will deem her not worthy of their time, and when she gets tossed in the trash? I'll be there. I'll fix the hole in her butt and then Dora and I will be bestest holiday friends forever and ever (that's abbreviated BHFFE, just so you know).

And GO! Let's get OMG That's a Really Freakin Huge Dora!


  1. oh man. you are so evil. I LOVE IT.

  2. Um, wouldn't it be easier to ask if you can buy it after the promotion is over? I used to work with someone who did that once. She wanted to buy something they were using in a display, so she asked to speak to the manager. The manager told her it wasn't for sale. She said, "Fine, it's not for sale. But, how much do you want for it?" She ended up getting it.

    Don't want you getting beaten with a stick, ya know?
    (That dress is so cool!)

  3. When you get it your neighbors will love (or hate) you for providing them with such a great landmark. "We're three doors down from the house with the Giant Dora wearing a Santa hat in the front yard."

  4. Let's be honest, it's KMart. They won't need a lot of distracting.

  5. That would be cool to have the huge inflstsble Dora! I totally dare you to do the pin prick trick!

  6. I am officially worried for you.

    And I'm sure there are some police out there strictly on Whore duty. Or maybe Skippy Skeeve has a hired crew watching her.

  7. You just don't sound conflicted enough over the fact that it's DORA THE LATINA WHORE for me to not worry about the state of your sanity. (Not saying you *shouldn't* do it, just think you should sound a wee bit more conflicted about your very awesome plan.) So...Do I need to call in a welfare check???

  8. Since it's not for sale - it isn't technically shoplifting, right? It's been a really long time since I was involved in any street sign theft - but I still remember the adrenaline of running to the waiting car...

    Not that I don't think this plan sounds like fun, but I agree that you shouldn't even need a distraction - just watch out for the "eye in the sky". For those purposes it makes more sense to have someone else complete the act so you can innocently walk past and find poor sad Dora and offer to take it off their hands.

    Or just do a search for huge inflatable Dora the explorer...but it's not the same.

  9. Do you think you might have a fever? Or the flu? Can I just say it now? You are CRAY-zay! Just say NO to Dora. She will haunt you in your house while you are sleeping, and could try to take you out after all the mean things you have said about her.;o) She is certainly big enough to. I would totally hate to hear that you have been taken down by the evil Latina Plastic whore doll named Dora.

  10. If I could, I would go to Pittsburg RIGHT NOW and help you with obtaining Dora. Because a dressed up inflatable dora would be hysterical on multiple levels, some we've never even reached before.

  11. @JustMiss--She is at KMarts nationwide. Just sayin'.

  12. That is a freaking huge Dora for sure. Stealing things is never as hard as it seems. At least that is what people tell me.

  13. Anonymous4:59 PM

    I think you are looking at this all wrong - you wouldn't be "stealing" (and thereby requiring a lookout, distraction, and/or defense attorney), you would be "freeing the subjugated minority (inflatable or otherwise) from the oppressive confines of Corporate America!" It's really quite noble of you. I don't think even the G-20 could argue with that.

  14. @Anonymous--I love you.

  15. Your new neighbors are gonna LOOOOVE you! HA!

  16. Giant Dora. I can only imagine the kid's eyes. Kinda makes me want one too.

  17. Oh my God! This was the funniest post I have read in a reallllly long time. You're hilarious. Do you know how irritated I'd be if I was your neighbour and you had Really Freaking Huge Dora on your lawn? OMG... you're evil... hahaha... so funny!

  18. Anonymous1:59 PM

    It's Tween Dora:


  19. Sooo, if she's at multiple Kmart's nation wide, AND you still want her, (even if theft is not involved) I bet you could find out who manufactured her and get one. Seriously. And if you do, you MUST send me the contact info, b/c I TOO would be in need of a BHFFE for my front yard.(But I'd totally give you all the creative credit.) ;-)