Thursday, October 15

Conspiracy Theories

The mission is to freeze her face off. Every day, no matter the weather, the kid rolls down her window in the car. E-V-E-R-Y day. Today it was 40 degrees and rainy, which can only mean that somehow she managed to convince Mother Nature to go in cahoots with her. It's a conspiracy.

I asked her to close her window. I was met with what I assume was an eyeroll and some sass. I'm not sure because I was too busy shivering as the 40 degree wind and freezing rain blew all through my car. It was then that I remembered I had let Alexis eat dry cereal in the car earlier in the day. I distinctly recalled that she had picked through it, hunting for and consuming marshmallows while tossing the actual cereal over her shoulder. For some reason, I don't have "Scrape Frankenberry goop out of the car" on my Bucket List, so it was definitely time to close the window before water met cereal.

I reached down and closed the window using my Master of the Universe buttons.

She rolled it back down.

I rolled it back up.

She rolled it back down.

I rolled it back up and locked that sucker so she couldn't keep on keeping on.

The short person in the back seat got angry. She kicked my seat, sassed off, and then promptly shut her face when I threatened her with a trip to time out.

I'm full of win.

The CD changer flipped over to Jonas Brothers and everything went back to quiet. (Side note: SHOOOSH! with the Jonas Brothers grief. Once I had heard the High School Musical 2 soundtrack for the eleventy seventeenth bazillionth time, I switched our listening time over to regular radio. That lasted about fifteen minutes until words the kid isn't allowed to say came wafting over the airwaves, so I tried tossing in a little Black Eyed Peas. That lasted about three minutes until I had to shout, "THANKS FOR THE PARENTAL WARNING, ITUNES" because apparently their list of Not-Cool-Coming-from-a-Three-Year-Old words is different than mine. Jonas Brothers it is. I can't handle my kid hearing and saying words that would make my grandma cringe.) As we cruised on down the road, the song "Paranoid" came on.

Alexis loves to sing along with music. A lot. The only problem is that she doesn't know all of the words to that particular song. In fact, she knows exactly one word. Paranoid. She managed to scream that one word approximately all. the. way. through. the song.

PARANOID!

PARANOID!

PARANOID!

Never before has a child managed to spread so much fear and paranoia in such a short amount of time. Between the expectation of revenge for the Window Thing and her shouting PARANOID!, I figured I was screwed. For reals.

My fears were realized when I suddenly noticed that silence had fallen over the person in the backseat. I glanced in the mirror and saw the ultimate threat a kid can make: she was sound asleep.

I'm pretty sure she took a nap just so she can exact revenge in the middle of the night.

I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight.



*******************************************************

Psst . . . If you have a minute, I would love you forever if you ran over to The Bump and tossed a vote or two or ten in for me. There's a real prize in this one and it turns out I snap to attention when somebody says "Pottery Barn Gift Card." Thanks! And HUGE thanks to Firemom for the nomination!

Vote!

34 comments:

  1. I voted. You absolutely deserve it. I love my power of the universe buttons. I couldn't live without them. Okay, maybe I could live. But I would absolutely not drive anywhere with my children.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are so hosed, but you know that. I'll head to The Bump even though I don't know what that means exactly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. congrats on the nomination :) (by the way, i found your blog through 'the bump.')

    love your writing style. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I voted. Just think of the damage you could do at Pottery Barn!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yay for being nominated! We used to have Disney Radio somehow/somewhere on our radio when the kids were little. It was a godsend. I don't know how much I could handle HSM, Or the JB's. I bow to you Mama for surviving through it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Jen--I think $100 at Pottery Barn will get you a couple of napkin rings, but, you know. ;-)

    @Dina--Radio Disney is nothing but Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, and the like right now. It's the same difference.

    ReplyDelete
  8. this is the only "mommy blog" i read. not sure how you make this place so awesome that even a single and childfree woman who is 38 years old reads daily, but you do. so yeah, i voted.

    but back to the post...i crack my window every day, regardless of temp or precipitation. if you rolled the window up and locked it, i'd throw up.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're welcome. And I keep voting. Pimping you on FB today.

    Also, BB knows various words to his favorite songs. (Did I ever tell you that his favorite song is Roxanne? And that while it doesn't have any bad words it still sounds... okay, REALLY FUNNY... coming from a not-quite-four-year-old. I digress.) When he doesn't know the words to a part, he mumbles. Which is hilarious. We're having a dance party over here today after nap. Because I need to dance. And laugh as he attempts to sing.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are gaining in the voting now :)

    I keep the windows locked at all times. In the back of the van there are side-ways opening windows that open just a little bit, so you might not notice when you park for the night...Juliana has a button right next to her seat and thinks it is great fun to have the window open.

    And the posed pictures - I get the worst pictures that way. My favorite outdoor picture technique - have her run and then freeze - take pictures during the running and at the exact moment she stops - some of my favorites come from that method.

    ReplyDelete
  11. hey saw this come across FB and read your latest post...that alone deserved my vote! As a dad of a 2.5 yr. old I felt like I was driving the car, lol!

    Why are toddlers hard wired to exact karmic revenge on their parents?!?

    I'll certainly stay tuned in.

    ReplyDelete
  12. @Brian--Thanks! Also, I believe small children exist purely because the government likes to dabble in top secret experiments designed to test the limits of the human psyche.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Preschool mom11:26 AM

    I know the feeling on the window, my 3 year old boy is the same way...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Check out http://www.tantrumsandtequila.com/2009/10/one-lovely-blog-award.html

    you have a new award!

    ReplyDelete
  15. oh my gosh. Her expression is fantastic!

    Agreed. I don't want my TEN year old listening to radio or BEP. (and i was pretty bummed about that too...) You know, there's always Taylor Swift. (ugh)

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Misty--I was SO mad that the BEP album didn't have a warning. "Sh*t" is a cuss, I don't care who you are. That was $10 wasted.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your daughter is adorable. I love her cheeks! Aaron is only 9 months old but if your girl ever decides to become a cougar (ggrrr) send her this way. IF, she can over look the football rivalry of course! LOL. ;0)

    PS - I voted!

    ReplyDelete
  18. What are you doing on a website called "the bump"?

    ReplyDelete
  19. I wish you had never told me the Jonas Brother sing a song called Paranoid. I have to now try to erase that from my memory before I hear Ozzy Osbourne's version again. I am off to vote.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Our love for James Bainbridge grows... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  21. @James Bainbridge--I was sent a link to "The Bump." Don't you be getting any ideas in your exclamation point-filled head.

    @Katie--This is why you need to be on twitter. You could watch me get abused all day long by members of the peanut gallery who finally learned how to use the comment box. Sadly, I think some only learned to use it so they could dish out more abuse.

    ReplyDelete
  22. @Otter Thomas--If you want, I could send Alexis over to sing Paranoid for you. It would be my pleasure. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. @ Burghbaby - There is no way to get to the bump without a link. That's how it works! <--justified, FYI>

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Burghbaby is quiet... STRANGELY quiet... (crickets chirping...) chirp, chirp, chirp... Swear to God, I saw her at Lowe's picking up pink and blue paint swatches.

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Mr. Gonna be Wearing an Exclamation Point Where No One Should Ever Wear Punctuation--

    Never mind. I got nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. See now, THAT posed picture is the bomb!
    I can just hear her, "You go, Girlfriend. Mm Hmm."

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hi, I am the Amanda who posted on the pgh nest forum about the contest. one of the other ladies replied with your Tweet about it! So I figured I could come out of "lurk" mode so to speak. Love your blog, and writing style. Good luck in the contest, looks like you are ahead! When does voting end?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Party in Burgh's bedroom at o'dark-30! Maren has gotten a little bossy when it comes to the radio lately - and GAWD FORBID they don't play a song she likes. And thank goodness "I've Got A Feeling" is kid-appropriate - Cooper knows all the words, and asked me today what 'mazel tov' means.

    ReplyDelete
  29. @Amanda--Hi! And thank you! It ends Monday.

    ReplyDelete
  30. That totally reminds me of Pufferfish! She controls the window by her seat all the time and puts it down, even when it is rainy or cold out... and every day when she gets into the car she DEMANDS her Wee Sing tape and sings along, and throws a fit if I change it!

    ReplyDelete
  31. PS: Any chance you'll be at the game tomorrow freezing your face off?

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so sorry about the Jonas brothers thing. You poor, poor woman. That's all I can say.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You are so funny.. and so is your girl! Of course, I voted for you! :)

    ReplyDelete