Wednesday, October 17

Hi, I'm Helmet Head

I'm really not one to get involved in the whole to co-sleep or not to co-sleep debate. Frankly, I don't care whether or not you sleep with your infant. I would prefer that you don't come crying to me when he or she is 6 and still won't leave your bed, because in my mind there's a high probability of that side effect. Just do whatever works for you, and for the love of all things insane, please don't use some silly book as your justification for doing it. Do it because it works for you. If it does, then great!

Co-sleeping does not work for us. Mostly it doesn't because of me. In my perfect little imaginary world, we would have a seven bedroom house. Every human and four-legged creature would have his or her own bed to roll around in, sprawl across, and throw the blankets from. I would, of course, have a very serious lock or two on the door to my own personal bedroom to keep out any wandering souls. It would be essential because, dude, EVERYBODY likes sleeping on me. On any given night, you will find me huddled into a tiny little corner of the bed, trying desperately to get an inch or two to myself. I never succeed.

The last two nights have been worse than usual. Somehow, someway, The Toddler has managed to invade my sleeping quarters. The first time it happened because she was listening to music with Daddy, dancing on our bed and having a generally fantabulous time. It was well past my bedtime, let alone hers, so I went for the path of least resistance and just laid down and went to sleep. Eventually she stopped with the cabbage patching and two-stepping and laid down as well. Last night she thought we would fight about going to bed and wound up in Daddy's arms, then in our bed. Both times I was very quickly reminded why that child should not sleep with me. EVER.

Alexis agrees with everyone else that the most comfortable place to sleep is on top of me. But since two dogs, a husband, and a couple of cats have already laid claim to nearly every square inch of my body, she's left with just my head. That works just fine for her because it means that she will have easy access to my hair. Whether she's awake or asleep, if that child can reach my hair, she has her nubby little fingers intertwined in it, creating what can only be described as matted knots. Really tangled, matted knots.

To achieve maximum Zen with my hair, Alexis wraps herself around my head like a helmet. Her legs act as the strap, her feet as the buckle. Did I mention that my helmet gets put on backwards? Of course it does. I lie awake for hours, staring at baby belly, gasping for air as I am suffocated by 30 pounds of human flesh. I can't move the human flesh because it's wrapped so tightly that a mere shake of my head will not dislodge it. What of my hands, you wonder . . . they are weighted down by the 50-pound snoring bulldog. I would kick them both off me, but my feet are restricted by the furry little thing we call Jasmine. She may only weigh 15-pounds, and 13-pounds of it is surely fur, but that dog can make herself weigh 200-pounds if it means staying right where she is. So I just lay there, silently praying for someone to put me out of my misery.

In the morning, the insult is piled on top of the injury. A full night of nubby fingers twirling and tangling leaves me looking pretty much like this:

I would show you a real picture of just how big and bad the hair can get, but I can't seem to find a camera with that wide of an angle. It's that bad. I'm left to wonder, where was Alexis in the early 90's when big hair was a good thing and I was left flat and out-of-style?


  1. I won't debate the cosleeping thing, but are you up for a debate on nutty people who let their dogs and cats sleep with them? I love my bed, I love my pillow, I love my covers, and I LOVE my space.

  2. I'm totally up for that debate! I stand firmly on the side where dogs and cats sleep ANYWHERE but in my bed. On the floor, in the garage, at the neighbor's house, all seem like good options. I've been fighting the battle for over 10 years, but I'm pretty sure I'm not winning. In other words, I am not the nut. As a payback, The Nut gets to hear me whine about the animal co-sleeping every day of his life.

  3. We've conveniently developed allergies to the dogs. Hubby and daughter cannot have dogs in the sleeping quarters, so the entire upstairs is banned. Works for me! I, too, like my space.

  4. Very funny post - I really enjoyed it and all the visuals I was getting. The poodle picture was a nice touch. See ya.

  5. Karen--Hmm, I think I'm sensing that I may need to start developing some allergies. Ahhhh--choo! Would that work?

    Kellan--I wish I were kidding about the poodle hair. That really is exactly what it looks like. Just a little more brunette/blond depending on the day of the week.

  6. Cosleeping..hmmm? As much as I hate to admit it and I have tried to avoid it....I'm pretty sure that is what we are currently doing. We were doing so well for a while there, but Peyton has decided that he wants back in my bed. What started out as him screaming at 5am until bring him to my bed, has now crept up to 12am if I'm lucky! I really am trying to get him to sleep through the night in his crib, but this kid is relentlous. I dont understand, he ASKS to go in his crib at bedtime, but when he wakes up at night, he wants OUT AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

  7. Jill--most of me feels really bad for you because sleep is such a valuable commodity. But then there's that itty-bitty part of me that still remembers you RUBBING IT IN when Peyton was sleeping through the night at 6 months and Alexis was not at all sleeping through the night. So I'll just rub back, even if only for a second :-)