Friday, December 28

Hi, I'm Old and Feeble

It has been precisely one year since a trained professional told me that I was getting old and feeble.

It all started because I am, and have always been, an ungrateful little soul. Last year for Christmas, Grandma purchased two really, really frilly dresses for Alexis. The concept is one that I still don't understand. She is but one child, Christmas is but one day, and yet there were two dresses. Remember how cheap I am? I don't see the point in spending lots of money on a dress that a kid will wear for no more than half a day. In my mind, if the kid isn't going to wear an item at least twenty times, it's not worth buying, regardless of the price. But it was Grandma's money, so I decided that we would make her wear one of the dresses, and the other would get returned.

Keep in mind that at 11 months, Alexis was not yet walking. I do believe that frilly dresses with no waists are the sworn enemy of crawling girls everywhere. For the brief time that Alexis wore the dress, she continually would try to crawl and would end up with her knees caught in the dress and thereby slam face-down onto the floor. After the twentieth time I saw her do it, I said the heck with appeasing Grandma and saved her from the evil frills. (Remember that Alexis--when bodily harm is involved, I do go to bat for you.)

The day after Christmas, we headed off to the mall with frilly dress and gift receipt in hand. More importantly, we had coffee in hand. If parenthood has taught me anything, it's the value of a $4 cup of caffeine. Anyway, we parked outside of the Sporting Goods store and made our way into the mall. (BTW, Mr. Husband was carrying Alexis.)

That is when it happened. The curb leaped up from the ground and attacked me.

I landed face first on the pavement.

Always one to try to pretend nothing has happened, I rushed into the store, still grasping EVERY SINGLE DROP of my precious $4 coffee (I find that detail to be very, very important). Assessing the damage, I found that I had ripped a brand new pair of jeans, tore a gash in my knee, and my left foot was really quite unhappy. I must have been quite a spectacle because all the parking lot witnesses stopped to inquire about my status. I told each and every one of them, "I didn't even spill a drop of my coffee!"

Yes, I do know what's important in life.

We continued on our way and managed to exchange the evil frills for some very sensible Alexis-sized jeans and t-shirts. My brain wanted to do more shopping, but my foot insisted that it was time to skedaddle. I spent the rest of the day not Christmas clearance shopping like I am supposed to, but rather sitting on the couch icing my very unhappy foot. Those of you that know me can probably suspect just how bad it had to be. I NEVER miss Christmas clearance shopping (just as an example, we stopped at 3 Targets just on the drive back from Indy this year).

For the record, I have a kick butt tolerance for pain. Really, kick butt. Not taking that into account, I decided that since I was able to wiggle my toes, the foot wasn't broken. I figured I had probably just strained some ligaments and that it would be fine in a few days.

We returned to Pittsburgh, a few days passed, and I found that the foot hurt just enough for me to think maybe, just maybe, I should go to the doctor. When I found myself sitting in an empty training room no more than forty feet from an Emergency Room with no indication that people would be attending class, I decided it would be ridiculous to not take a trip down. In my head, they would take a quick x-ray and I would head for home, feeling like an idiot for wasting a co-pay.

By now I'm sure you know where this is going. Of course the foot was broken. I spent the next four hours doing lots of impatiently sitting around and grumpily waiting and a little bit of sitting nicely while a Resident put a cast on my foot. As he was wrapping it, he made me feel absolutely fabulous by telling me that as we get older, our bodies start to become more feeble and that's why a little thing like slipping off a six-inch curb can result in a break. He was two years younger than me. If he hadn't already lost all credibility with that fact alone, he then went on to tell me that I would have to keep all weight off of the foot and use crutches until I was able to get in to see the specialist AFTER New Years (5 long days).

Hello?!?! 11-months old don't suddenly become self-sufficient just because Mommy is old and feeble.

Needless to say, I did a crap job of staying off the foot, but it healed fine all the same.

Last week when we were in Indy, we made a trip to the scene of the crime. Daddy parked on the opposite side of the mall knowing that the curb outside the Sporting Goods store has it out for me, then proceeded to hold my elbow as we walked in. Just like he would for a feeble, old lady.

17 comments:

  1. What a sweet, sweet, man! I'm sure he's thinking along the lines of how you would have to deal with an almost two year old with a broken foot.

    My brother-in-law and his wife got our ten month old a beautiful white crochet dress for Christmas. I'm off to return it tomorrow.

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  2. There's a reason all those dresses are still in the stores on clearance in January--they're useless!

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  3. Way to go with the coffee! It takes sheer amounts of pure talent to save every single drop.

    Those dresses are indeed evil. You've no idea how much I wanted to make my 1 year old not-walking-yet niece a jumper for her birthday, but refrained. I am a mom, after all.

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  4. Hi, there!

    I'm just cracking up at the vision in my mind of your husband escorting you to the door like a 90 year old, oy!

    I have to agree with you about the dresses, for a baby it's pretty impractical, jumpers or pants are just so much easier.

    Nice save with the coffee, high five! BTW, I LOVE the picture of your daughter and your dog in his cute red Christmas sweater, aaawww!

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  5. Ah yes, the face-first-slam. Funny the first few times, pitiful after that. Darn good thing you were able to return the second one! I guess I'm glad all of E's grandparent's have assumed I'll dress her like me and never in a dress - makes it a lot easier.

    And that picture of Alexis and Meg is so freaking cute that it's almost making me want my own cuddly, droopy, snoring bulldog. Almost :-)

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  6. Those silly dresses. Cute as the dickens on the hangers, but as you say, completely useless otherwise. I'm all for trading them in for jeans and t-shirts!!

    You have my sympathy and my kudos for making it through a broken foot and mobile almost birthday girl. Even without being broken, it's hard!!

    Evie somehow manages the crawling and face slam with footed jammies. She catches one foot of the PJs under her other foot and trips herself. It's actually kind of a talent of hers.

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  7. The funniest thing to me is that I just wrote a post about aging last night! We do seem to be on the same wavelength a lot of the time.

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  8. Oh, darn those curbs! You never can tell when they will jump up and bite you1 So glad that this year you had help!

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  9. Old and feeble my ass!

    Although, I did crack up at not spilling any of your coffee (we do have priorities!!).

    LOVE the pic of Alexis and the dog. We had an English Bulldog...he was awesome.

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  10. OH! You poor old thing. I hate punk doctors, too.

    Hot damn woman. You must have some serious pain tolerance. You broke it & didn't go in for days in the plural?

    We seem to differ about kid clothing. Mine had three Christmas longalls and two shirts (one was personalized) this year. I'm rather notorious for kid excess.

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  11. Oh, and the coffee? Thank the Lord you managed to salvage that. The whole thing reminded me of those beer commercials. Where the guy is holding his beer & won't put it down when they fly ball hits him.

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  12. Argghh! But at least you didn't spill your coffee. I thought you were going to say you spilled it all over the dresses and weren't able to return them. I eye the frilly dresses every year but I'm in the same boat you are -- if they aren't going to wear them for more than one day, they really aren't worth it. I found the cutest red velour yoga pants and hoodie for Punkin at Target that was dressy enough for the holidays, but can still get everyday use.

    Alexis looks like a little Ice Princess in that white coat! Precious!

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  13. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch!!!

    The picture however, is adorable!!!

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  14. The only people who buy those frilly dresses for CRAWLING infants are those who've never had children and those who have forgotten. I know before I had kids I dreamed of the day I'd dress my imaginary daughter in the frilliest dresses. There would be velvet, bows, and petticoats on holidays.

    My daughter has exactly 0 of these dresses. Even at 4 years old.

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  15. Actually, I do know a mom who bought and used those dresses. Daily. She had 4 boys and was so incredibly thrilled when she finally got a girl that she dressed the poor thing in frills, lace and patent leather shoes to play in the sandbox. No kidding.

    The girl is now a teen and wears grunge. Oh, the irony.

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  16. see, that's why i like you...you know how important a $4 cup of coffee is! but, you sound like me...i was walking back to my car from dropping my son off at his preschool, holding my travel cup of homebrewed cheap coffee...anyway...i wiped out (it was icy), landed on my back and DID NOT spill my coffee! so, from one klutz to another...congrats!

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  17. kudos on the coffee save! I think I would've done the same thing...so cheap that I'd rather break my fall with my face than spill any of that expensive coffee! at least my face is insured...the coffee, not so much.

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