Wednesday, March 18

Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!

Alexis' sole reason for deciding to finally walk when she was 13-months old was that it brought her one step closer to jumping. She's a jumper. A bouncer. A hippity hoppity make me crazity leaper. Her foray as a wandering toddler who refused to stay with her parental units in public was pretty short, as she quickly figured out that if she holds hands with an adult, she can use them as a tool of mass jumpstruction.

If Alexis has one parental unit to use and abuse, she grabs hold of your hand very tightly, yanking one of your shoulders down a good three inches, and leaps. And jumps. And uses her upper body strength to improve her high jump. If she's got two parents with her ALL THE BETTER TO CRIPPLE YOU. She adds a little Rockettes routine to her high jumps and long jumps.

It makes me crazy.

If I had a dollar for every time I have told the kid to "walk nice," I would have enough money to pay back all the bonuses that went to AIG executives. And some spare change.

If I had a dollar for every time I told Alexis to "walk nice" the first day we were at Disney World, we would now own Disney World. Right about now my supreme rule over all matters Mouse would have Minnie living in the Polynesian and getting counseling so she would leave the Dirty Rat once and for all.

I don't know why I repeatedly nag Alexis; it does absolutely no good whatsoever.

But! I figured out something that does work! It's totally Mother of the Year material, too.

It happened purely by accident. Alexis was walking like a jerk, as usual, and I realized that my finger that she had been yanking on all day long was throbby and hurty and really not happy. I looked at it . . . and found that I was getting a BLISTER.

Your kid should not have the power to give you a blister.

I got super-annoyed. So annoyed that I didn't really think before I said the words that will surely come back to haunt me. "Alexis, if you don't walk nice, the birds are going to get you."

Oh, yes. I resorted to exploiting the kid's fear of birds for my own personal benefit.

Hell if it didn't work, too. Every time a sCaAaRy bird would fly or walk too close to Alexis, I would tell her the bird was checking to make sure she was walking nice. She bought it hook, line, and sinker. She walked nice (mostly) the rest of the week.

Alexis, darling, I'm sorry to have used the bird thing against you like that. Go ahead and send me the bill for all the therapy you're going to need to get over it. I owe you that much.


  1. scary birds, how funny! I love the pic!

  2. haha. that picture is perfect!

  3. That picture is adorable. And my sister was a skipper- any time she was slightly excited about going somewhere, she'd skip there. You try holding someones hand as they're skipping. She grew out of it, mainly, when she was around 12. Now she only skips when shes uber excited. (yea, it never went away completely. I don't get it)

  4. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

  5. Ohdeargod. I *wish* I'd had the forethought to scare the crap outta Miss O when she was young enough. She is 7.5 and STILL does that leaping yanking prancing thing while holding my hand. Drives. Me. Bucknutty.

    You are a genius.

    Also? That picture is hysterical.

  6. Anonymous9:34 AM

    HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

    That is all. You are hilarious. She won't need therapy, she'll just have an excellent arsenal for her own kids someday.

  7. I love the picture of her! That will be the face she makes when she is getting all her anger out during therapy!

  8. Skye was a runner. She was told she always had to hold the hand of either parent at any given time. She quickly clued in if she held my hand and her dads at the same time, she could confuse us if she let go of one of our hands. Why yes, my daughter is the devils spawn. The last time she unwittingly did that we were in the mall. When her dad and I realized neither of us had her hand, she was running pell mell down the middle of the mall. I swear people split like the Red Sea. You would think seeing two adults chasing a 3 year old down the middle of the mall, someone would stop said child. Ahhh no! I never knew she could move so freaking fast.

    That picture is priceless. I imagine there will be an adult version of that when you tell her someday what you did. (Hugs)Indigo

  9. that picture is hilarious.

    that dress...(or shirt??? I dunno, I'm picturing it as a dress) whatever it is---very cute.

  10. Love the picture and love your parental quick thinking. In the craziness of Disney, anything goes.

  11. I have a jumper, too, but he does it while he's telling you a Very! Exciting! story (which is EVERY story) and it actually makes me motion sick to try to watch him when he talks. Unfortunately, he's not really afraid of much...

    And I agree, she won't need therapy. Her kids, however, will be sending YOU the bill...

  12. I know you said that the getting out of bed issue was getting better. But if it's not completely resolved? You should totally get a canary for her, stick it in her room and tell her the canary will get her every time she gets out of bed.

    Might as well milk the fear for all it's worth... Although, it seems to me you're lucky, mine has freaking NIGHTMARES that leave him in a screaming sweaty heap. I could NEVER pull this stunt.

    And seriously? People accused you of shilling for Disney? LAM-O!

  13. Way to use her fears against her, Mom. I have no doubt that you Mom of the Year trophy is in the mail.

  14. If you weren't already married to Mr. Husband, I'd totally marry you based on that move. Two words: Uber. Sweet.

    And that picture rox sox.

  15. Hahaha!!! That is hilarious! I love it.
    And that pic is perfect for this post. hehehe

  16. The picture is perfect. I wish LM was afraid of something like that. I swear I have one arm that is a good foot longer from all her jerking and jumping.

  17. That's great! My kid is quite a jumper, too. We're both going to need shoulder surgery soon if she doesn't get over it real soon now.

    As to Mother of the Year, you were just protecting yourself from further was all in self-defense!

    I love that pic, and the dress she's wearing in it, too! Great stuff.

  18. Dude - when I was a kid I totally remember wanting to hold the parental hands and use it as a monkey-style swing. They were less enchanted by this than I was, of course. Especially Granilla. But that's another story ...

  19. The picture is priceless. And someday that little gem will haunt you in ways that you can't imagine.

  20. That totally sounds like something I would do. My daughter is terrified of roosters (WTF?) and every now and then, when I'm really bored and she's been annoying all day, I cock-a-doodle-doo. It's mean, but it's so funny.

  21. Dammit I wish I thought of that.

    I just never took mine anywhere except locked in a box that I would drag behind me with a sign 'Beware rabid dog, approach at own risk'

    The pic is a classic. You should photoshop a bird on her shoulder

  22. I can give A the name of a good therapist. But, in all honesty, I think it will make her a better person when she gets older. Besides, who do you think will be picking out your nursing home? She'll remember that birds tactic when she's trying to decide whether to put you in the place with the in-house salon and cushy beds or the one that looks more like a prison.