Wednesday, May 6

You'll Notice I Didn't Fess Up to Lying

I have GOT to stop lying to Alexis. It's always little white lies, sanity saving lies, or funny lies, but it's starting to backfire on me.

Some time ago, I got really, really, really sick of fussing at the kid for feeding the dogs the food off her plate. When I say "feeding the dogs the food off her plate" I mean literally that--she was shoving her plate in a dog face, letting him or her eat for a minute, and then resuming her own food consumption. Yeah, gross. At some point I decided that fussing at her wasn't getting me anywhere, and I told her that people food will make the dogs really sick. At that precise moment she was feeding Cody a chocolate chip cookie, so it wasn't really all that much of a lie, but I didn't bother to restrict my statement to chocolate. Nope. "People food makes dogs really sick."

It was an instant payoff. She stopped feeding them completely, and even started scolding Cody for being a mooch.

I thought I was a winner.

Until last night.

Last night Alexis and I were left all to our lonesome selves. We might have thoroughly enjoyed a girls night out, but when we stopped at the house to let out the dogs, we walked in to a disaster zone. Cody had broken into the bathroom and drug a week's worth of trash all. over. the. place. After he shredded it to a million little pieces, of course.

To say that I wanted to kill him would be an understatement.

Instead, I begrudgingly picked up the disaster zone and started making dinner. At that point it was too late for Alexis and I to head anywhere fun. And then it happened. Alexis tried to kill Cody. Or, at least that's what she thought had happened.

Somehow the poor kid spilled her bowl of pancakes (only gourmet meals around here, yo) and Cody had beaten her to the pile of goodness. As he snarfed down pancakes, Alexis started freaking out. "OH, NO! Cody eat my pancakes and he's going to get sick and he's going to die! WAAAAAAAAH!" The kid was sobbing as she said it.

She was absolutely convinced that her dog was going to die, and that it would be all her fault. I finally managed to calm her down by concocting some "medicine" for him and shooting it down his throat. It was only water, but after the toilet paper party he had thrown, I won't deny that I was wishing it were poison. Served with a kick to the head.

The guilt I felt that my words had caused Alexis so much heartache was enough to keep the little rat dog safe for the evening. He absolutely couldn't sustain any injuries for a few days (not even a little spork to the face) because Alexis would be convinced it was her fault. That kid LURVES that dog. A lot.

So, it was really fantastic when I found what initially appeared to be another piece of trash on the floor. But was actually an ant trap. Filled with ant poison. Chewed to bits.

Um, yeah. During the great Trash Can Caper of May 2009, Cody had found the ant trap I had hidden in the dark corner behind the trash can and chewed it to pieces.

There's nothing better than having to worry that a dog is going to die at the exact moment that your kid is convinced she has done something to kill him.

I'm done lying. For reals.

(No rat dogs were in any way harmed in the making of this story. Promise. He's totally fine, if by "fine" I really mean still in need of a kick to the head.)


  1. Ohhhhhhhhh!
    I don't know what to say.
    Poor Alexis!
    Poor Cody!
    Poor You!!!!

  2. I lie to my kids all the time too. Mostly for my own enjoyment watching their faces as what I say sinks in. Sometimes to make a point. Other times just to make other people laugh. Maybe our kids will end up with the same shrink later in life and learn to laugh about their crazy moms....or they'll seek revenge. Either way I'm not done making up stories for my own benefit! I'll pay for the freakin therapy, geesh!

  3. Anonymous6:01 AM

    My dog ate an ant trap (or three) in the middle of the night once. The vet said he'd be fine, that they're not particularly toxic to dogs but to watch for respiratory problems or vomiting. He was perfectly ok! I bet Cody will be fine

  4. Oh, Cody... That dog is half goat! Growing up we had a Golden Retriever named Muttley (real regal name, I know) that was also part goat. The best was the time he ate fiberglass insulation. He had to have his backside shaved so the fiberglass wouldn't get tangled in his fur on the way out. He turned out just fine, but dragged his butt on the ground for a week to scratch what must have been a terrible itch. Not that it taught him a lesson...

  5. I love the devotion she has to that beastie. She needs a pig. Imagine how wonderfully in love she'd be then.

  6. Oh...I am glad Cody's to love dogs and their knack for chewing dachshund ate a huge dried starfish with wonderful smelling potpourri infused thru it....I remember screaming at my husband "it is 11:59 on the VET before they stop answering the phone at NOON!!!) (he is yelling about how the cat must have knocked it down and the dog is going to die b/c of the cat) She's still in doghouse (per hubby---I still think dog just decidced to stick nose in and eat it cat is was nose level for 3 weeks before she ate it)...Potpourri moved to a high shelf where the dog now sits, looks up and whines for MORE!...

  7. I apologize for laughing right now because I am. Glad the pooch didn't perish right in front of her! Or, uh, at all. ; )

  8. I had a dog eat a buffet of ant traps one weekend and he survived.

    I hate it when those little white lies bite me in the ass.

  9. Anonymous1:23 PM

    Hmmm... I wonder if Cody and Mijo are twin brothers separated at birth? Because Mijo does all that crazy stuff too... he is on the brinks of being kicked out of the house. (Not by me... I would never give up a doggie... but since its not my house I get no say in the matter!) On the other hand... this sort of reminds me of something that happened to my little cousins, who are 7 and 5. My dog died about a year and a half ago, of cancer, She was 13, really old for a dog. My little cousins really love dher. ANyway, someone in the family supposedly told my cousins that Chopper died because they fed her some table scraps. They may be getting it confused somehow, maybe someone said something else and they misunderstood, but they do believe they killed my dog! :(

  10. Oh no!! That sounds like something that would happen to me. My 4yo is so literal and sensitive... bad combination in that situation.

    By the way, both of my boys have at various points during the highchair sitting phases of their lives, reached out with a piece of food, let the dog lick it, then pulled it back to eat it themselves before she could get the whole thing away from them. Talk about ewww! But I pick my battles and dog slobber is one I've chosen not to fight.

  11. Actually, you didn't lie. Feeding certain human foods to our pets CAN kill them. What's worse (according to my sister-the-vet) is when we feed them people food and then they get sick and we have to stop feeding them people food. They don't understand -- which is a lot more difficult than killing them. For the animal, anyway.

  12. I confess to a small chortle at your expense. In 10 years you will laugh too. OK maybe 15.

  13. That is definitely bad timing. I hope Cody's okay.

    Our dog actually does have stomach problems (allergies or something) and shouldn't eat (much) human food. Luckily, our dog seems to handle the small amounts pretty well now. Because if she doesn't clean up the floor after the toddler, who will?

    And the Pumpkin and I had pancakes for dinner last night, too! I think it was all that talk of syrup yesterday. ;-)

  14. Hmmm...maybe you can backtrack and tell her that you only were referring to chocolate. Of course, that would be another lie...

  15. When a dog gets into the garbage it is like a death wish. Few things make you want to kill the beast more than that.

    It's so sad that she thought he'd croak from the pancakes. Bless her heart!

  16. whew, glad that disaster was averted. That would've been tragic. I've still got that darn chihuahua that I don't like. They're the longest lived dogs on the planet so my prospects of getting a replacement aren't looking good. Chocolate and grapes haven't worked on her either. Good luck.