Zoo Boo and the . . . uh . . . Biker Ballerina

(It's not her Halloween costume, but it was what she wanted to wear. No point in arguing, even if I'm not exactly sure what her "costume" was supposed to be.)

Using a Peacock as a Dangerous Weapon

For the past two weeks, it has been a daily ritual for the Toddler to try to con us into taking her to the Zoo. I do believe she would be perfectly content LIVING there, and she has tried every trick in her book to get us to go as often as possible. We've had her slip the sentence, "We go eat French fries AFTER we go to the Zoo," in just to see if we would notice that she was scheduling our day. She has tried convincing the dogs that they want to go to the Zoo in hopes that her little army could join forces and convince the adults in the house to load up the car and take the critters to see some critters. She has tried yelling, "PLEASE!" in a tone of voice that would be better suited for telling a prisoner to stop scaling the prison wall. Today was finally her lucky day (BTW, she's been there four times so far this year. Don't let her try to convince you she's deprived.)

It was a PERFECT day for the Zoo in that it was probably 90 degrees outside. There is no sarcasm to be found in that sentence; hot weather drives away the weak. It rocked to be there when it wasn't terribly busy. It also helped that we went later in the afternoon when the animals are far more active. We actually heard one kid gleefully scream, "LOOOOOOK! The Snow Leopard IS alive! It's actually moving!" The kid had a point there. The Snow Leopard is the first animal you see when you go in and it's ALWAYS sleeping. Except at 3:00 when it starts pacing and hanging out right next to the glass as it waits for it's meal.

Also pacing and hanging out right next to the glass were the tigers.



(I left the kid's head in this photo on purpose so you could see that the tiger really was inches away from us. SOOO Cool!)



While it was fun to see the tigers up REALLY close and to actually see them playing, it was the baby elephant that stole the show. This is Angelina and the other female elephants at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Angelina was born July 10th and I believe is Jackson's 7th kid.




(I don't know why I giggle at these photos of the headless Zookeeper, but I do. Pretend that's not weird, mmkay?)






Apparently it was the day for seeing animals up close through glass, because while we were hanging out in the monkey house, this guy came up for a visit:



And that is when I was reminded that my daughter is a wuss. A BIG wuss. The wussiest wuss that ever did wuss. Mr. Husband was holding her and thought he would be a kind, caring parent and show his animal-loving daughter the monkey-type thing up close.

She flipped out.

She yelled at him to, "Back up, Daddy!" over and over until he finally did. But the wuss didn't end there. Oh, no it didn't. After the monkey house we ventured to the little eating area for our customary fresh cut French fries fix. As we were sitting there fighting over the crispy ones, a peacock wandered into the area.

(Now, I would have some seriously incredible photos of that peacock if it weren't for one little thing: I am The Queen of Forgetting to Pack the Extra Camera Battery. I'm expecting my crown in the mail any day now because that is the THIRD time I've left for the Zoo with a nearly dead battery and no back-up. Don't you wish you were as talented as me?)

Anyway, we were happily eating French fries when the peacock wandered into the area. And headed straight for us. Right when the peacock moved close enough for Alexis to kick him, she noticed him.

And freaked the f*@& out. That? Is an understatement--there is no adjective that would accurately describe the level of freak that went on. Think about how badly you would freak out if Michael Jackson were to walk up to you, lick your face, then pull his nose off and shove it in your mouth. Now double it. She freaked out MORE than that. I picked the Toddler up to calm her down and then we all enjoyed twenty more minutes of trying to eat French fries and ice cream while the kid flipped her lid because a silly bird was in the same time zone as her.

The kid is scared of the peacock. A lot scared.

Mr. Husband, being the outstanding guy that he is, loves to exploit weaknesses. For example, he knows I hate to be called a common nickname derived from my first name. HATE IT. WILL STAB YOU IN THE FACE WITH A PITCHFORK FOR SAYING IT. So what does he do when he wants to irritate me? Calls me that name over and over and over and over. What did he do once he found out Alexis was scared of a very friendly (and GORGEOUS) peacock? He kept saying, "Look! There's the peacock!" and singing a lovely rendition of, "The Peacock is Coming to Take You Away." The Toddler was not amused.

This story brought to you by those who would like everyone to remember that I am not in fact the mean one in this house. Although, I do totally plan to yell, "Hey look, a peacock!" the next time Alexis tries to steal ice cream from me.

20 Months Later, I'm Still Not My Mother

In just a few hours, Alexis will officially be 20-months old. If someone could explain to me where all that time went, I would really like to know. Seriously, did we all time warp forward a year when I wasn't paying attention?

I may not have any idea what I've done for the past several months, but I do know that I have not (yet) turned into my Mother. The proof is in the pudding:

1. Alexis has never dined on a single TV dinner, Banquet chicken, or tuna noodle casserole. These days, I don't have to whip out that fancy stuff since she's decided she can survive off crackers and water. She's a cheap date.

2. The words, "If God had wanted holes in your ears, he would have put them there" have not come out of my mouth. Sure, Alexis is still waiting to get her ears pierced, but that's because Daddy and I agreed that she should probably ask for it before we submit her to that kind of pain.

3. Play-Doh. I have definately played with it more in the past few weeks that in all the rest of my life combined. It doesn't make that big of a mess, geesh. But I do have to admit I have flashbacks to that time I made it myself every time I get screamed at while I'm cutting out the most perfect little blue and red star-shaped Play-Doh cookies of all time. Toddlers and their control issues.

4. I let Alexis do this at the Zoo a few weeks ago. And I only slathered a half gallon of hand sanitizer over her entire body after the fact.

Suck on That

We made another trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo today. Shockingly, we didn't leave any valuables there. Certainly a step in the right direction. While Grandma, Alexis, and the rest of the crew were busy watching the animals, I was busy with my favorite past-time, people watching. There are some sights to be seen at the Zoo, let me tell you. Even though there weren't a lot of people there today, those that were there were FASCINATING. There was a dude rockin' the full-blown mullet, the likes of which haven't been seen since Joe Dirt. Then there was the little boy who had the greatest rat tail since Jordan Knight. While it may qualify as child abuse, it was still an amazing sight. There was the usual blend of large children walking around with pacifiers in their mouths. I always enjoy seeing a four or five-year old kid that can't walk two feet without one. My favorite part is how the parents always say the not-so-little one NEEDS the pacifier. Um, yeah. Whatever. Alexis thinks she needs one too, but she ain't getting it.

My most startling moment came in the ladies room while Alexis and I waited to use the changing table. There was a little boy getting the full-blown diaper cream slather routine. I wasn't paying much attention to anything other than the fact that it was taking like 15 minutes for these people to move on when the kid said, and I quote, "Can we go look at the baboons in the monkey house next?" DUDE! Complete sentence! Complicated complete sentence! And when he went strolling out of the bathroom past us, it became clear that he either started kindergarten last week, or is really, really big and very, very smart for his age. On one hand, you've got the parents that want their infants potty trained, but then you've got the ones that want their kids to stay babies so badly that they don't potty train them for years and years and years.

Speaking of kids sucking on pacifiers well past necessity, Alexis found one the other night. It was probably under the bed, hidden amongst the discarded dog toys, tennis ball remnants, and dust bunnies. It must have had some extra special flavoring going on because Alexis wasn't giving it up. Easily, that is. After World War III broke out, I burned the thing in effigy. Try sucking on melted plastic, Alexis. Go ahead.

I Heart the Pittsburgh Zoo Security Guy!

For just a moment, I forgot how upset I am that my favorite cat died because TONY FOUND MY RING!

Wooooohoooooooo! Tony found my ring, Tony found my ring, Tony found my ring!

P.S. Don't tell Powder and Coal about that "favorite" thing. I wouldn't want them to feel bad.

Is it Gone?

Remember when I mentioned something had happened and I didn't know if there would be a happy ending or a life long tale of woe? Well, I still don't really know how it's going to end. It's looking like a lifelong tale of woe, but there's a small glimmer of hope. I can't decide whether to cling to it with all my might.

So here's the story. You should read it in slow motion, because that's how it happened. In extreme sloooooow mooooootionnn.

First, let me describe the scene to you. We had just survived a torturous day at the Pittsburgh Zoo. Torturous because Alexis was in a foul mood. And when Alexis is in a foul mood, Daddy is in a foul mood. And when Daddy is in a foul mood, I am in a foul mood. Anyway, we were riding down the very long escalator on our way to the car. Daddy was in charge of the stroller (we bypassed the elevators because of the 15-mile line). I was in charge of the Alexis. (Anyone with a one-year old is laughing at that sentence. No one is ever in charge of a one-year old. The one-year olds are in charge of us.) There had been many fights about whether Alexis was free to walk wherever she wanted to or not at this point. About halfway down the escalator, her constant screaming while I held her had me convinced that a social worker would be meeting us at the bottom. So I put her down.

She rode nicely down the escalator for a bit. Then she decided to start walking down the stairs of the escalator. She was blocked in by the volume of adults all around, so I let her. As we neared the bottom, the adults started to clear out of the way and she started to rocket her way down. I needed to pick her up. I wrapped my right arm around her. Then I slowly reached out with my left hand. She flailed. She screamed. She kicked. She kicked my wedding rings off of my hand.

Oh yes, my rings went flying just as we neared the very bottom of the esclator. I had some choices at this point. I could throw the screaming baby aside and rescue both of my rings. I could keep holding the baby and carefully rescue the nearest flying ring. I could just stand there and start screaming myself. I chose to hold the baby and rescue a ring. And then I watched the other one roll . . . and roll . . . and roll, not knowing whether it would be kicked up and over the escalator edge, crushed by the evil teeth as the escalator stairs turned to make their way back to the top, or what the fates of had in mind.

What the fates had in mind was to have my precious ring roll perfectly between the teeth of the escalator and plummet to whatever is below. I listened as the people behind me on the escalator gasped then inquired about what had just disappeared into the escalator abyss. "Just my wedding ring," I replied. Security was called, the escalator was reversed, and several people stared, confused as to why Daddy and I were staring at a moving escalator. But alas, the ring had not managed to grab hold to some part of the escalator and wasn't going to come riding back around. It was gone.

Then, the kindly security guard informed us that there is a pit--a pit!--below the bottom of the escalator. And the maintenance company would be by in just six short days for routine maintenance. They could look around for my shiny gold ring and try to rescue it from the debris that surrounded it. As the days passed, I worried about my poor little ring. And then Friday rolled around and I waited and waited for a call that would tell me that my ring was safe and sound. But the call didn't say that. Instead my friend the security guard said that they hadn't found the ring, but that they would check again next Friday.

So do I hold out hope that this Friday will be better than the last? Or do I continue on in my life knowing that Daddy will never let me forget The Day That My Wedding Ring Went Under The Escalator? I have yet to decide.

Oh, and if anyone finds a wedding ring under the escalator at the Pittsburgh Zoo, there just might be some sort of reward in it for you should you choose to hand the ring over to Tony, the bestest zoo security guard there ever was.

Time Will Tell

We made another trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo today. And let me just tell you, Alexis was in a FOUL mood. We didn't stay long because of it. And as we were leaving an event occurred that will either lead to a funny little story or will lead to a life long tale of woe. I won't know how the story ends until next Friday, so you'll have to wait to hear it. But if you could do me a little favor, please cross your fingers for a happy ending. Pretty please?

MUCH better:






Any guesses at who bought Alexis that swimsuit? Hint: Could it possibly cover any more skin? I mean, it's practically a turtleneck. She learns fast, though, she started hiking her nearly knee length shorts up just as soon as Daddy was out of sight.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

I hereby declare myself a winner. I have fought the "Bear stays here" battle and I WON!

Ever since Bear came home from the Zoo with us, he has been going everywhere. He went to Eat 'n Park for dinner. He went for a car ride to the bank. He went to the grocery store. It's a wonder his ears are still attached to his head because he really has been drug to every possible locale. But no more.

I, the master of the one year-old universe, have managed to convince Alexis that Bear wants to sit in her chair when she's not playing with him. And she's taking me very seriously. Earlier today she realized she had left Bear on the deck. She ran as fast as she could to save him and put him back in his chair. (Well, OK, so the screen door was closed and she actually ran into the door, peeled herself off, opened it, and then ran as fast as she could to save Bear. But that's not the point.) When Bear fell on the floor, she dutifully picked him up and put him back in the chair. When I put Bear on the couch so I could clean her chair, she yelled at me then put Bear back in the chair. Bear even stayed in her chair when we ran to Dairy Queen earlier today. So, I win.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get Daddy to put his change, wallet, iPod, car keys, hammer, mail, clothes, shoes, notes, jackets, movies, or even his coffee cops away. I'd be willing to settle for any one of those items. Just one. Please?
















One more thing, Bear needs a name. Alexis repeats "Bear," but she doesn't seem to think it should be his name. We are now accepting suggestions.

It's Great to be a Burgh Baby, Volume 3

It's great to be a Burgh baby because we have this guy . . . everybody, meet Jackson.



Jackson is the Man. Now you may be wondering why they keep him in that rather unsuitable area. The Pittsburgh Zoo claims its because male elephants are solitary. But really, it's because Jackson truly is the Man. Here, I'll prove it.

Meet Jackson's son, Scotty. He lives in Louisville.



Now meet Jackson's daughter, Tufani. She lives at Disney's Animal Kingdom.



OK, now meet Jackson't daughter, Kianga (she's the bigger one). She also lives at Disney's Animal Kingdom.



And now, meet Jackson's son Kedar. He lives at the Indianapolis Zoo.



Wait, we're not done yet. Jackson also has a daughter in Pittsubrgh. Her name is Victoria. And let's not forget about her step-sister, Calee. I couldn't find a photo of the two of them (and they weren't out when we were at the zoo, as far as I can tell), so you'll have to use your imagination.

These two were out when we were at the Zoo, however. Guess what . . . they're pregnant. Anybody want to guess who's the daddy? (The baby in the middle apparently wasn't fathered by Jackson.)



And that makes Jackson the most "productive" (totally not my word) elephant in the United States. That's one pimp of an elephant, and he lives in the Burgh.

And just what does Alexis think of all these elephant babies?



She thinks Jackson is cheese-tacular.

And Now for a Happy Post--Meet Bear!

Now that I'm done ranting (for the moment, anyway), here's a nice fluffy story. You can tack it on to our zoo adventure.

When you try to exit the aquarium at the Pittsburgh Zoo, you are essentially forced to walk through a little gift shop (thanks, Disney, for giving everyone that idea). That, of course, leads to all persons under three feet in height suddenly sprouting octopus arms and grabbing everything in sight. Since Alexis is a genius, she went for the biggest stuffed animals she could find.



She stumbled around carrying this bear and fish for a solid twenty minutes, risking her own life as she rammed into shelves, people, the floor, and pretty much everything else. Then I told her she had to put them back. She looked at me for a minute and then made a decision. She quickly ran over to the fish pile and threw the two-foot Nemo wannabe back where she found him. And then hugged the bear. Tight. So I told her to put him away. She hugged him some more. So I took him away and put him on the shelf myself. She giggled and smiled and was so happy to see him go. OK, that's a lie. Actually she threw a really major fit in the middle of the store. But I can dream.

So we left empty-handed. But to be honest, we had planned to buy her something on this zoo trip. We just didn't want to carry it around the whole time. So, as we were leaving, we stopped at the gift shop by the exit. Daddy grabbed a miniature version of the bear and tried to hand it to Alexis. But by then, she had already seen him. Her Bear. Her two-foot tall, greatest of all time stuffed Bear. She risked her life again, climbing over fixtures and stacks of books, and grabbed. her. Bear. Then hugged him for dear life.

And that is how Alexis got Bear. Bear is now her very best friend in the whole wide world. I think she might even like him better than Dora. She takes Bear everywhere. No one has to help her carry Bear, because she can do it herself. And when she falls because she trips on him, it's OK, he breaks her fall. Bear is the best.

The Zoo Crew

Saturday we made another trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo. Right about now you 'Burgh folks are probably thinking "You what?" But yes, we ventured up Route 28 even with the US Open going on just a few miles away. I correctly predicted that everyone who wasn't watching Tiger choke would be avoiding the area.

So this trip to the zoo was odd for several reasons.

1. There weren't very many people there. It strangely disconcerting to not be elbow-to-elbow with annoying people while walking through the place.

2. This happened:

That is Alexis. Sitting in her stroller. Willingly. And by "willingly," I don't actually mean we glued her butt to the seat then shoved happy pills down her throat to keep her there. She WANTED to sit in her stroller. As in, she ASKED to be there as we were walking in. She was all, "Excuse me, Mother and Father, but I wish to sit in that lovely little stroller for the next few hours. I feel that it will be delightful." It was really weird.

3. We actually saw animals. A lot of them. Maybe even all of them. If you've ever been to the Pittsburgh Zoo, then you've probably suspected, as I have, that the signs announcing animals are actually part of a huge scam. The zoo CLAIMS that there are animals there, you pay to see them, and they pocket a ton of cash. They add to the scam by having stuffed animals scattered about so that you will think the animals are "sleeping." But no, it turns out that there really are bears, elephants, beavers, crocodiles, monkeys, giraffes, rhinos, and lots of other animals AND they are alive. Here's some proof:








The not so weird--Alexis still likes the aquarium the best. Go figure.